We’re in couples therapy as it’s impossible to be parents and keep the passion alive, says Kate Lawler
ANYONE who follows Kate Lawler on social media will know she is searingly honest as she documents the ups and downs of her private life.
From her struggles with post-natal depression to deflecting attacks by body-shaming trolls, the DJ and TV personality is not at all shy about baring her soul — or body.
But her admission that she and hubby Martin “Boj” Bojtos are currently seeking help from a couples counsellor may come as a shock to fans.
“Before we got married, we went to couples therapy regularly and we still do from time to time,” Kate confesses.
“You talk things out and it helps you to see things from your partner’s point of view, and makes you think, ‘Well . . . actually maybe that was my fault’. It’s hugely beneficial.”
Couples counselling is on the increase.
Charity Relate reports a 30 per cent rise in the number seeking therapy over the past ten years.
Kate, 44, previously revealed how it was Martin — with whom she has three-year-old daughter Noa — who first suggested they get help to stop them going “down a road that’s going to lead to anger and shouting”.
It may not work for everyone.
Friends star Courteney Cox recently revealed she and her long-term partner, Snow Patrol rocker Johnny McDaid, “broke up within the first minute” of attending a joint therapy session in LA — although they later got back together.
But for Kate, who’s been with Martin for 11 years and married for two, it does work.
“For me, marriage is about being there for each other — through the tough as well as the good times,” she says.
“I like the challenge.
“We made a commitment to each other and you work through it.
“You need to find time for each other and that’s not always easy.
“Right now, we’re planning to have a spa day together — my mum bought Martin a voucher for his 40th back in January.”
Making sure to spend quality time with her man is clearly a struggle for the former Big Brother winner, who admits she and Boj definitely aren’t swinging from the chandeliers every night.
“Of course we’re not!” she says with a laugh.
“When you’re a parent, you have to accept you’re not going to have the time — or the energy — to do things you did before your child came along.
“I guess it’s easier when you have a newborn and they’re going to bed early and sleeping through — but not when you have a toddler who wakes and comes into your room.
You talk things out and it helps you to see things from your partner’s point of view. It’s hugely beneficial
Kate Lawler
“Martin is more, ‘Come on, we haven’t had time for ourselves for ages, let’s get in the bedroom’ than me.
“I take a bit of convincing.”
In fact, when Kate recently tried to make time for nookie, disaster struck.
She says: “I headbutted a door frame, nearly knocked myself out and ended up with a massive bruise on my head.”
But Kate knows that putting her sex life on the backburner would be a huge mistake.
“It’s so important to keep the magic and passion between you alive, even though it isn’t easy,” she says.
“People say having a child is the hardest thing you’ll do, but keeping the magic alive and working at your relationship takes just as much effort.
“You have to give each other attention and show lots of affection.”
Kate admits she and Martin have to consciously schedule one-on-one time together.
Suicidal thoughts
“We always try and do a date night once a month,” she reveals.
“But because we’re both tired with childcare and work, sometimes we’re both like, ‘I know that we’re supposed to be going out for dinner, but shall we just stay in?’.
“It’s not just about sex, though.
“If you can manage to kiss and cuddle every day, at least you are making time for each other and showing you love each other.
“Martin gave me a really big hug this morning and it made me feel great.”
But it’s not just the pressures of marriage that Kate is so open about — she is famous for her generally warts-and-all approach on social media.
Never was this more apparent than when she was struck down with crippling post-natal depression.
She hit rock bottom in the weeks following Noa’s birth in February 2021, telling Fabulous how she struggled with suicidal thoughts as a new mum.
She said then: “I thought, ‘I don’t want to be here any more.
“I’ve ruined my life.
“I’ve ruined Boj’s life’.
“You can’t really understand it but there were many times when I sat in the nursery feeling so low that I wanted to kill myself.”
Kate believes being open about the trauma she experienced was crucial. “I told the truth and admitted I wasn’t coping,” she says.
“I couldn’t understand why, before giving birth, everyone had told me having a baby was the best thing ever and that motherhood was great.
“I was like, ‘You lied to me! No one said it could be this bad’.”
Happily, Kate is now fully recovered from her PND and, while family life today is undoubtedly hectic, is coping well.
She says: “I call myself a mother of three because, in addition to Noa, I have a rescue dog — a terrier cross called Shirley — and Baxter, an OAP border terrier.
“It can be stressful, but that’s life.”
While Kate describes her daughter as “feisty and headstrong”, she’s certainly no pushover when it comes to parenting.
“She loves TV and playing on her tablet, but we ration that,” Kate says.
“She’s allowed to go on her tablet for three minutes in the morning as a reward for brushing her teeth, and we let her watch an hour of TV from 4.30-5.30pm while she has her tea.
“Then it’s bath and bed.
“The tablet thing does worry me.
“But for now, she knows the rules.”
As much as Kate loves being a mum, she tells us in no uncertain terms that her family is now complete.
Asked whether she would like another baby, she says: “Absolutely not.
“More dogs? Yes.
“More kids? No, thank you.
“I’m almost 44 and don’t have the energy.
“One is enough. Maybe if I was younger I’d consider it, but I’m not.”
Kate was body-shamed on social media last year after posting a picture of herself looking trim in a bikini, then later in 2023 in a skimpy beige top.
Trolls insisted she was encouraging anorexia.
“It was crazy — such double standards,” she says.
More dogs? Yes. More kids? No, thank you. I’m almost 44 and I don’t have the energy. One is enough
Kate Lawler
“If someone is on Instagram showing their curves and grabbing their rolls, it’s all, ‘You go, girl! Well done, you!’.
“They’re celebrated, called real women.
“Well, why can’t a real woman be a healthy size eight?
“I’ve varied between 8st 4lb and 8st 8lb since the Nineties.
“The only time I was bigger was on Big Brother in 2002.
“I put on a stone as I was sitting around for weeks eating junk and drinking sugary, alcoholic drinks.”
Right now, Kate is 9lb heavier than her usual weight because she has been laid up after an operation for varicose veins.
“I’m wearing compression stockings as we speak,” she says.
“I had surgery because my legs were feeling very heavy and draggy.
“Since the op, I haven’t been able to exercise and I do feel rather out of shape.
“I need to do more weights because I’m perimenopausal and my bones are becoming weaker.
“I’ve also been offered HRT.
“I want to start running again, I’ve always been sporty.”
One of her sporting passions is cricket, which makes her the ideal star to promote Tape Ball — a version of street cricket.
Body-shaming trolls
She recently took part in a showcasing day in Birmingham, in anticipation of the joint men’s and women’s series between England and Pakistan, which began on Saturday at the Edgbaston ground.
“Wouldn’t that be great if women’s cricket became as big as women’s football?” says Kate.
“It’s a lot about getting kids interested.
“Noa is already playing cricket — or rather beach cricket — on holiday.
“She loves it.”
- Tickets to watch England Women’s cricket this summer are selling fast.
- Supporters can find out when they are playing, at their nearest ground, at ecb.co.uk/tickets.
- Prices remain great value, in line with 2023, starting at £1 for juniors and from £10 for adults.
