My husband blames us not having sex for him messaging other women – I’m so hurt and angry
DEAR DEIDRE: MY husband claims he only joined a sex site because I’ve been neglecting him after work.
This feels like a lame excuse — and victim-blaming — and I am so hurt and angry.
I am 41 and my husband is 44. We’ve been married for 20 years and have two boys, aged ten and eight.
As I also have a busy full-time job, by the time I get home, cook and see to the children, I have little time or energy left for sex.
I thought my husband was happy. But, lately I’ve begun to suspect he was up to something.
He was spending much more time on his phone, withdrawing from me and ignoring the kids.
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I decided to go through his phone and found conversations between him and several other women.
Some of the messages my husband sent were sexually graphic.
When I confronted him, he denied talking to any women.
But I had the screenshots to prove it. With nowhere to hide, he finally admitted it. He said it was only for fun and didn’t arrange to meet any of the women.
And then he had the gall to blame me, saying if we had more sex he’d never have done it. All the trust has gone and I feel I want our marriage to end.
He is in denial that anything is wrong and wants me to forgive him and carry on as though nothing has happened. I can’t do that.
I am at a loss and I don’t know where to turn.
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DEIDRE SAYS: Your husband is the only one to blame for this. He needs to take responsibility.
Perhaps if he’d helped you out more with the children, you would have had more time and inclination for sex.
Your trust has been shattered but it is possible to rebuild this and your marriage if you are both willing to try, and it will be good for your kids.
Tell him you feel undermined. Let him know how worried and hurt you are and impress the need to sort this out together.
Good communication is key. Instead of turning to sex sites, he needs to talk to you.
Perhaps also suggest he takes a more hands-on role when it comes to cooking and childcare, so you feel less tired and have more time for intimacy.
My support pack Cheating – Can You Get Over It? will help you both.