Wedding dilemma for many couples: Should God be invited to the marriage celebration?
Roxanne Louh, a family therapist in Florida, conducts marriage seminars with her husband, a Greek orthodox priest — and together, the couple offer key insights into how faith factors into marriage.
'Tis the season ... for weddings.
More couples walk down the aisle in June than at any time of the year.
Right now, countless brides are making final arrangements for their nuptials — focusing on the flowers. the seating arrangements, the caterer's final guest count ... and all of this impacts the budget.
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The average cost of a wedding in 2024 is $33,000, with the amount, of course, depending on how many people attend. Venue and catering are the two largest wedding expenses.
But aside from all of this, and along with invited guests, is it necessary to invite God to your wedding? Do couples need God in their lives to transform the wedding of their dreams into a marriage made in heaven?
Family therapist Dr. Roxanne Louh of Florida said she believes so.
"Marriage is a challenging relationship at times because you're merging two completely different histories, two different life stories, two different dispositions," said Louh.
She added, "If you don't have God at the center of that, holding you accountable to something much greater than your own feelings — then your feelings can become quite divisive."
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Dr. Louh is married to Greek Orthodox priest Fr. Nicholas Louh, the senior priest of St. John The Divine Greek Orthodox Church in Jacksonville, Florida.
Together they conduct marriage seminars on how couples can increase their chances of "happily ever after."
And making God the center of a union is key, they say.
"You're not a random act in history," said Fr. Louh. "God has a purpose for you, whether you're married or single. And so, is that person in my life going to help me fulfill, or work toward the purpose that God has for me?"
On a recent episode of "Lighthouse Faith" podcast, the Louhs talked about what makes a good marriage, what makes a bad marriage, how to stay married — and how to know when it's time to call it quits.
From a strictly religious point of view, said the Louhs, God designed marriage as one of the first acts of creation.
Said Fr. Louh, "In the very first chapter of the Old Testament, the Book of Genesis, the first thing that God does is establish a family with Adam and Eve."
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But it doesn't stop there. Fr. Louh said, "The very first thing that we see done in the New Testament … is this merging of a family of Joseph and Mary in the birth of Christ."
And also, said Fr. Louh, "The very first miracle ... that we see chronicled in the Scriptures takes place at a wedding. It's the wedding service of Cana."
So God likes to be invited to weddings, he noted.
Experts agreed with the Louhs.
Brad Wilcox, who heads the National Marriage Project in Charlottesville, Virginia, writes in his new book, "Get Married: Why Americans Must Defy the Elites, Forge Strong Families, and Save Civilization," "The research tells us that American men and women who regularly attend a church, synagogue, temple or mosque are significantly happier in their marriages, less likely to end up divorced, and more satisfied with their lives — and their children are more likely to be flourishing."
Despite couples wanting their union to be divine rather than divisive, the other "D" word looms ever so close despite good intentions.
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As it stands now, almost 50% of all marriages in the United States will end in divorce or separation — and researchers estimate 41-43% of all first marriages end in divorce.
Eight years is the average length of a marriage before a couple divorces.
The United States has one of the highest divorce rates — fourth behind Russia (the highest rate), Belarus, and Gibralter. By religion, though, Hindus have some of the lowest divorce rates at 5%, while evangelical Protestants have a divorce rate more than double that, at 14%, according to Forbes Advisor.
But Wilcox, who is also a senior fellow at the Institute for Family Studies, makes a similar case as author Professor Nancy Pearcey in her book, "The Toxic War on Masculinity."
And that is this: What's key when looking at the stats on religion and divorce is separating those couples who occasionally attend religious services from those who are regular attendees.
Pearcey wrote her book to defend evangelical men who were getting a bad rap about levels of domestic abuse among them. But she says the facts show the exact opposite when you talk about men who are regular churchgoers.
On an episode of "Lighthouse Faith" podcast, Pearcey said, "Evangelical couples are the least likely to divorce [and] less likely than secular couples. And here's the real surprise. Evangelical couples have the lowest rates of domestic violence of any major group in America. And so they completely contradict the media message that we're getting today."
The Louhs' message, however, is from a Greek Orthodox perspective — which has a unique view of marriage exemplified in the actual marriage ceremony.
Far from being a protestation of devotion by two people, the loving couple in an Orthodox ceremony say nothing — not "yes" or "no" or "I do."
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So sacred is God's holy altar that if two people have stepped on its threshold to be joined in matrimony, the priests do all the talking — becoming the mediator between the couple and God.
The service is actually in two parts, which traditionally had been on two separate occasions; the betrothal, which is the blessing of the rings ... and then the actual wedding ceremony in the church.
Most ceremonies combine them today.
Unique to the Orthodox wedding is a deeply spiritual moment of the ceremony: the crowning of the couple with the Stefana, two crowns joined by one ribbon.
They are, said Fr. Louh, becoming a mini Christian church.
"Not only are the husband and wife becoming like the king and queen over this new church or over this new family," said Louh, "but more importantly, it is revealing to them that ‘I need to die for us.’ In other words, my ego, my own will, my own personal desires now take second place to that. What's in the best interest for our family?"
After the crowning, the couple, led by the priest, walk around the altar three times. This, too, is deeply significant.
"It's to proclaim several things, but not just for the sake of the show," said Fr. Louh.
"One of which is that [for] the two of them, their first steps are taking place in the church. And second of all, I would argue that they're also being led by the Word of God … The priest holds the gospel, holds the teachings of Christ in his hand as he's holding their hand, leading them around this table."
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The Louhs understand that people often lead with their emotions — and that becomes a basis for a marriage that may not have the fortitude to withstand the ups and downs of everyday life.
God, said Fr. Louh, is a much firmer foundation than feelings.
"I don't think God yearned for us to be in a marriage that we're unhappy with," he said. "But I think sometimes when we have the wrong kind of foundation that we're building the relationship upon, that ends up having a cascading effect years and years down the road."
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Being married can be a tremendous joy, despite the hard work; the rewards far outweigh the costs, he and others suggested.
Dr. Louh said, "A little bit of advice would be realizing that we are all still learning how to journey through life. You, your future partner, the person you're trying to ‘do life’ with — there's a lot we have yet to learn. And if you're willing to learn it together, you can really see beautiful things come out of this."