All Middle East wars end after student protest
MIDDLEBURY, Vt. — In a stunning turn of events that has left world leaders and military strategists speechless, all conflicts in the Middle East have come to an abrupt end following a spirited albeit loosely organized student protest on the quad of Middlebury College in Middlebury, Vermont.
The protest, led by the Students for World Peace and Consensual Hugs, has been hailed as the most effective peacekeeping operation in modern history. Political analysts are still trying to understand how a small group of college students could achieve what decades of diplomacy, economic aid, non-profit presence, nation-state backing, sanctions, and military intervention could not.
“It’s unprecedented,” said Dr. Chad Stokes, a professor of international relations and sociological anthropological mysticism. “Clearly, the power of youthful idealism, some chalk, and random spray paint cannot be overestimated.”
“We knew we had to take a stand,” said Skylar Johansen, a protest leader and sophomore hospitality management major. “We gathered our most powerful weapon: cardboard signs with hashtags. Proven to fix the ills of any complicated multi-generational, continent-spanning, centuries-old geopolitical issue that our bucolic 224-year-old university was absolutely involved in. We chanted, we marched, and we even did a flash mob to ‘Give Peace a Chance.’ And just like that, the wars ended.”
The protest, which lasted approximately three hours and included free vegan brownies, featured speeches on the importance of peace and love, and discussions based mostly on the protesters themselves, which starkly contrasted the real-world situations in countries the protestors will absolutely never attempt to visit or assist in any significant way beyond making the previously mentioned cardboard signs.
“We also made sure to light some incense and form a human chain around the campus fountain,” added Johansen. “Some people came to speak. Others to listen. But I think most of us came for the vibes.”
Even the Adjutant General of the Vermont National Guard was left speechless. “I’m speechless,” said Maj. Gen. Gregory Knight.
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Sources in the Middle East confirmed that military leaders and combatants on all sides laid down their arms upon hearing of the students’ efforts.
“We were in the middle of a firefight when we got the news,” said one IDF soldier. “Someone shouted, ‘The students did it! The wars are over!’ and just like that, we all stopped shooting. It was surreal; like hearing the voice of God. It turns out the voice of God is some kid on the east coast of America majoring in consumer sciences.”
Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu and Supreme Leader of Iran Ali Khameini were both seen visiting the protest to extend their thanks and blessings to the students. The men even shared a spicy hummus dip.
“No one else could have possibly accomplished such an amazing bridging solution to global affairs,” Netanyahu declared after being spotted on the quad eating a vegan burger with students. “I’m going to name a new settlement village after Skylar and build it from the rubble of war and some recycled plastics.”
Other world leaders are scrambling to adjust to the new reality. And the Pentagon and Kremlin have both reportedly ordered all troops to stand down. Meanwhile, the U.S. Congress is debating a resolution to recognize the students’ contribution to global peace.
“I guess we can finally cut the defense budget,” one senator was overheard saying. “Who knew all we needed were some dedicated students and a lot of organic hemp paper?”
As news of the successful protest spreads, other universities are being urged to follow suit.
“Imagine the possibilities,” said Johansen. “If we can end wars with a small group of 18-year-olds who don’t wash their hair, there’s no limit to what we can achieve. Next week, we’re staging a sit-in to end child poverty. We’re bringing cruelty-free lentil soup for everyone.”
Though gratified that their unique blend of activism and artisanal snacks has changed the world for the better, Middlebury students are not content to simply bask in their success.
“We always knew we could make a difference,” said Johansen, smiling serenely. “But I never imagined we’d end all the wars, I just figured we would solve Israel-Palestine and call it an afternoon. So, we’re thinking of tackling climate change next. We’re going to make some really powerful signs and maybe even do a drum circle. That should solve it.”
G-Had contributed reporting.