Ask Amy: She’s divorced and rarely goes to church, and she says I’m the horrible one
Yes, we exclude her from our family events, but it's because she doesn't fit in.
Dear Readers: The following Q&A first ran in 2014. It has been flying around the world, shared on various platforms, ever since.
Dear Amy: Every fall, my sister, cousins and a cousin’s sister-in-law have a weekend shopping excursion in our home city.
We stay in a hotel, treat ourselves, shop for our children and go out for lunches and dinners. It is a great time to reconnect.
I have another sister, “Wendy,” whom we do not invite. She is offended to the point of tears when she finds we have not invited her.
My sisters and I are very close in age, but Wendy hasn’t been as close to this set of cousins as my other sister and I have been through the years.
The rest of us are married stay-at-home moms. Wendy is a divorced, working mom with one young child.
There are several reasons we do not include her. We know she doesn’t have very much money for such an outing. She also does not have many of the same interests as we do. Her life is quite different from ours. We’re not interested in what she has to talk about.
She complains about her ex-husband who left her for another woman, but everyone knows it takes “two to tango” and she is not without fault.
We’re all very active churchgoers, while she only sporadically attends services. She claims to have some kind of neurological disease that some of us feel is more psychosomatic than real and which she uses to avoid getting up for church on Sundays.
Plain and simple, she does not really fit in with us.
She takes it very personally, and last year even came over to my home unannounced crying about it, which upset my children and caused my husband to threaten to call the police if she did not leave.
Now she barely speaks to me and has told our relatives that I am a horrible person (even though I’ve helped her).
How can we get her to understand that she should perhaps find another set of friends whose lives and interests align more closely with hers?
– Sad Sister
Dear Sad: Let’s establish that I agree with your sister: You are a horrible person.
Obviously, you can do whatever you want and associate with — or exclude — whomever you want, but you don’t get to do this and also blame the person you are excluding for not “fitting in.”
The only way your sister would ever fit in would be for you to make room for her. You are unwilling to do that, and that is your choice. But her being upset is completely justified, and you’ll just have to live with that.
Perhaps this is something you could ponder from your church pew, because despite your regular attendance, you don’t seem to have learned much.
Dear Amy: My husband and I have a son who is 18 months old. He seems on track for all of the developmental milestones.
He goes to daycare three days a week. The children are separated according to age. The place came highly recommended by other parents in our neighborhood, and we’ve been happy with the quality of care.
Last week, one of the staff members told me that his behavior is worse than the other kids in his group. She said that he has trouble sharing and that when he doesn’t get what he wants, he will cry.
My husband and I are wondering if we are spoiling our son by reinforcing this behavior at home.
We’re not sure how to react to this.
– Wondering Parents
Dear Parents: Your child is 18 months old. No child is born knowing how to share, and children cry when they don’t get what they want because they lack the language skills to use their words.
Being around other children should be good for him – if the adults respond patiently and appropriately when he hits the skids.
You should follow through with the director, ask for their assessment and advice, and perhaps spend some time observing your child in this setting.
My take on this is that your son seems perfectly normal, but I wonder about this daycare – or this specific caregiver.
Dear Amy: “Worried” was overwhelmed by her elderly mother’s depression and oversharing.
Most of my elderly relatives had a bad habit of sitting around their house all day watching TV.
Worried should make sure they spend ample time outside to get sunshine, fresh air and exposure to nature.
– Been There
Dear Been There: Great advice. Thank you!
You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.