Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr. Margarita Holmes.

Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in three continents, he has been training with Dr. Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives.

Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.

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Dear Dr Holmes and Mr Baer:

I love my boyfriend so much. He has this fantasy of having a threesome.  I mean, two girls including me. He asked me if I would agree to his fantasy, and I said yes. 

But I also told him that I am not ready yet for now.  Is it okay if I let him do this just this once? I am worried that he might like it so much that he will ask for it again.

Thank you,

Desiree

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Dear Desiree,

Thank you for your email.

Three of our recent columns (here, here, and here) deal with threesomes and you may wish to look at them.

However, there are also other issues, the principal of which must surely be: what kind of relationship do you want with your boyfriend (let’s call him Jose)?

Is this just a short term relationship or do you hope it will develop, even as far as marriage? If it is the former, then if you are ok making his fantasy come true, that’s fine. If however you want the latter, then you should seriously consider the consequences of agreeing to a threesome.

Threesomes are not a problem if they are consensual and those involved are adults and happy to enjoy open relationships. However, most people have a different view of the ideal relationship, a view which includes respect for each other, exclusivity and fidelity (not for nothing do typical marriage vows include the words “forsaking all others”).

So if, even at this relatively early stage in your relationship with Jose, you are being requested to include a third party into your bed, you need to ask yourself some questions. Will this be a once only event? What will Jose’s next fantasy be and will you be willing to indulge that too?

Finally, one interesting way to explore Jose’s attitude further would be to see how he reacts to the suggestion that, yes, a threesome is fine but the third person should be a man! Would he be willing to show his love for you the same way as he is asking you to do so?

Best wishes,
JAF Baer

Dear Desiree:

Thank you very much for your letter.

While you did not mention how you first reacted to your boyfriend’s (let’s call him Tim) request, I think it was with some horror for three reasons:

1. You start your letter by saying you love him very much as if reminding yourself that, if you love Tim very much, you must agree to his fantasy.
2. You’ve given reasons to not do it just yet:
   a. you’re not ready;
   b. you’re asking “permission” to say no (which you have every right to say) if he asks you again; permission to do this (only) once”; and, it seems, permission to let him know you don’t ever want to do this again should he ask sometime in the future.
3. While you shared quite a lot about your not wanting to have a threesome more than once, you described your response to his request in just 3 words: “I said yes.” It’s as if you wanted it over and done with, almost as if it never happened (your saying yes).

This, of course, leads me to ask: “If being part of a threesome is anathema to you, why say yes to begin with? If the thought of being part of a threesome is so unpalatable that having done it once (because you said you would) you don’t ever want to do it again, why agree to be part of it to begin with?”

I suspect the reason is that you love him and thus want to please him so much you have agreed to do something that you don’t want to.

The only thing I would ask you to think about is: What happens if you break up? I know, I know, a break up is probably the last thing you want to think about (with actually being part of a threesome being a close second) and I am not saying a break up is inevitable. It is much more difficult to end a marriage, and yet husbands and wives still break up. Single people break up with each other even more.

In other words, speaking of your possibly breaking up is no reflection on you or him as individuals, or even of your having had a threesome. It is merely a reflection of reality.

People who love each other enough to get married break up. So do people who love each other enough to agree to a threesome mainly to please boyfriends they love so much. Should you and Tim break up, would having agreed to a threesome be one of your biggest regrets OR would it be something you could easily shrug off as “win some, lose some”?

If the latter, then by all means give it a try BUT make it very clear that this is a one-off thing. Emphasize that you are saying yes to this threesome because you love him but he can only ask this of you once. If he asks this of you once more, you will leave him (but say this only if you mean it and can follow through).

However, if the former, then don’t agree to this threesome. Yes, it may be one of his greatest fantasies, but it seems to me that one of your greatest fantasies is not to be asked to be part of a threesome. So…patas lang kayo (you are both invested in your own fantasy).

Answering your needs and making your dreams and fantasies come true BEFORE answering anyone else’s needs or making another’s fantasies come true is definitely healthy not only for yourself, but also for your partner.

All the best,

MG Holmes

– Rappler.com