After That Debate, the American People Deserve the Nuclear Codes

Thursday night's debate between Trump and Biden was kind of like if a train crash happened inside an active volcano that was then destroyed by an asteroid which then imploded because the sun swallowed the Earth. (Or maybe that's what I wish happened.) Trump lied about everything, even nonsense that no one asked him about, while Biden sounded like a family of frogs built a Kardashian-sized compound in his throat. They both looked bad; they both looked old; they both looked like the final nail in the coffin of the U.S. So after all that, I personally think Biden should just give the nuclear codes to the American people...it's the only relief the government can offer us at this point. Then, maybe the election in November won't be between two old white men who spent more time arguing over their golf game than they did discussing abortion rights, childcare costs, or climate change—it'll be between whether or not we decide to use the nuclear codes on ourselves. Just a thought! If you didn't watch Thursday night, congratulations. You successfully maintained your peace of mind for one final night because it's probably all you're going to hear about for the rest of the summer. I don't really know where we go from here, except that Biden (or someone?!?!) has to beat Trump otherwise Project 2025 is as good as greenlit...but he can barely beat a cold. And what's the best place to go when you don't know where to go? Twitter! (I will never call it anything else.) So, in a blog reminiscent of a simpler time before 2016, I gathered some of the best tweets from Thursday evening, since silly little 280-character internet jokes are probably all we have left. Biden: look, the fact is, we can’t… we don’t… look. Here’s the deal. And this is no foolin Trump: there are ten billion guatemalans attacking the lincoln memorial right now — drew janda (@drewjanda) June 28, 2024 two men near death arguing about who is better at golf to attain access to the nuclear codes. should i kill myself — matt (@mattxiv) June 28, 2024 biden: unintelligible bullshit trump: straight up not-true bullshit moderators: thank you. — sarah (@sablaah) June 28, 2024 this game sucks lol pic.twitter.com/IrInHFEKEo — adam (@burgerkrang) June 28, 2024 Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue — Lizzie O'Leary (@lizzieohreally) June 28, 2024 They shoulda just done hot ones and whoever lived can have it — Akilah Hughes (@AkilahObviously) June 28, 2024 First to convert then attach a PDF gets to be President — Ryan Aguirre (@aguirreryan) June 28, 2024 we need her pic.twitter.com/zRDcQgnT0x — my flop era???????????? (@hello_itsnotbi) June 28, 2024 i think joe biden would pass a drug test right now (derogatory) — Kylie Cheung (@kylietcheung) June 28, 2024 Every time Joe closes his eyes I’m like. Not sure if he is gonna open them again — eliza (@elizamclamb) June 28, 2024 Biden coughing like Beth in Little Women I'm sure it's fine — Mike Scollins (@mikescollins) June 28, 2024 the adderall shortage is out of control — . (@jaboukie) June 28, 2024 They have Biden’s goal for the night written in the lower corner. pic.twitter.com/Cj4h3tuVl8 — Joe List (@JoeListComedy) June 28, 2024 god they're both so hot — bald ann dowd (@ali_sivi) June 28, 2024 I like both candidates but I think we need someone older — ettingermentum???????? (@ettingermentum) June 28, 2024 trump bringing up hunter biden pic.twitter.com/9PFtMNLQRi — subscribe to the state of the league patreon (@JoestarJokic) June 28, 2024 whole time obama was shuffling through chappell roan’s…