Harriette Cole: We had to decide whether to forget each other or get married
DEAR HARRIETTE: Regarding “Time to Make a Move,” the reader whose boyfriend hasn’t proposed after five years, I like your advice.
It reminded me that 73 years ago, my girlfriend came to New York City from St. Louis to spend a week with me and my family. When it came time to go back, she said, “Where do we go from here?”
I was in the military and didn’t know where they would send me, possibly even farther from her. We had had enough of writing to each other, and phone calls were too expensive then.
That left two options: Forget about each other or get married.
I never asked her to marry me, nor did she ask me. We simply agreed that marriage was the right way to go.
She was the love of my life. We made it 71 years with children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren. She passed away last year. She was in a care home with dementia, but I visited daily for close to three years.
Toward the end, she said she wanted to marry me. That was the best parting gift anyone could give to one’s partner.
— Memories
DEAR MEMORIES: What a perfect love story! Thank you for sharing how you and your partner made a beautiful life together.
Even in the later years, for you to experience joy through dementia is a sign to others who may be struggling with that disease that joy can be found in the direst places. Blessings to you!
DEAR HARRIETTE: I’m a recently divorced mom with three adult children.
My husband was physically and emotionally abusive throughout our marriage. He originally left me and my young children when they were just toddlers, but we eventually reconciled. When the kids were in college, he sent me divorce papers, then reneged after I begged him to reconsider.
Several years later, after two of our children got married, he again filed for divorce, moved out and purchased a new home without me.
The divorce was acrimonious and, to this date, despite the judgment against him, he has failed to pay alimony and still owes assets from the original settlement. Because of this, I haven’t been able to properly settle down.
Meanwhile, he appears to be living happily ever after and has even remarried.
My two sons don’t want anything to do with him, but my daughter continues to communicate with him. She has even hosted him at her house.
I can’t believe she would want anything to do with him after all of the terrible things he has done.
She has mentioned that he will be visiting and bringing along his new wife. I have tried to explain to her how hurtful it is that she is letting this new woman into her life, but she doesn’t seem to understand.
How can I convince her to change her mind, or at minimum persuade her to tell her dad that his new wife is not welcome?
— Devastated Mom
DEAR DEVASTATED MOM: Your relationship with your ex is separate from his with his children. Stop trying to control how they engage with him.
You should get therapy to help you heal.
Your children are going to forge their own path with their father. Don’t try to guilt them into siding with you. Do your best to live your life and get stronger for yourself and your family.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.