The Woman Unsure If She’s on a Date or a Job Interview

This week’s sex diary.

In this week’s story, a newly non-monogamous woman navigates dates with new people and domestic life with her partner: 30, in a relationship, California.

DAY ONE

7 a.m. Thank God it’s Friday. I do significantly more than what’s in my job description — I work at a start-up — and am exhausted after a week of back-to-back meetings aiming to hack the growth of this company. I can’t wait to get everything done that I need to today and sign off early to go for a hike.

11 a.m. Work is a lot. I turn my video off in a meeting to make some coffee. I started adding raw milk recently and became that kind of person.

3:15 p.m. I head out for a hike with my dog and call my mom. Hiking with her in my AirPods is a strange feeling that I don’t love, but we haven’t talked enough this week. My mom is absolutely the closest person to my heart and we share 100 percent of the details of our lives with each other, including things like my newly opened relationship and general romantic chaos.

After ending a very long-term relationship four years ago that made me feel emotionally and sexually disconnected for longer than I’d like to admit, I made a promise to myself that I’d explore non-monogamy in my next relationship to see if it felt more right or true to myself. My partner, K, and I have been together for two years, and recently decided to try being ENM. He had also been curious about non-monogamy in the past and had explored it very lightly, but it’s the first real experience that we’re both trying out within a long-term relationship. My mom knows about it all!

4:15 p.m. Driving to yoga to clear my head before heading to my partner K’s dad’s house. We haven’t seen him much lately so are planning to hang for a bit this evening after a quick flow. I belong to a studio where everyone seems to be attractive?

9:30 p.m. We get home and have sex that makes me feel really connected to him. I feel so grateful that K is very down to use a vibrator in our sex life. Before him, I felt so awkward to ever bring that up with partners. We’re both into the local art scene, which is how we met. I think that tends to flow into our bedroom. In a world of men who don’t always know how to talk about feelings, he leads with empathy and compassion. And I think that’s pretty hot.

11 p.m. I read for a bit and let my mind wander to M, a very talented chef 15 years my senior whom I previously dated. He was very avoidant when we were together, but I genuinely adore him. I have permission from K to explore with him, and I recently got back in touch with him.

DAY TWO

8 a.m. K makes coffee before I wake and is already on the move. I wish we could stay in bed. I work remotely and he doesn’t, so he’s ready to leave by the time I open my eyes most days (including weekends).

9:30 a.m. K’s sister calls while we’re in the car on the way to meet friends for a craft day. We randomly get into the topic of non-monogamy, and she says she just learned that ENM exists in the world. She’s married with two young kids in the suburbs, and I feel too nervous for her to know that we’re exploring this. She’d tell everyone in my partner’s family. No thank you!

4:30 p.m. I do some journaling about what it means for me to connect in the world of non-monogamy. I deleted Feeld recently after going on a date that felt very unappealing (he showed up wearing Birks with socks and — not kidding — a sleeveless robe). Too bad that guy wore such an awful outfit — he seemed very successful and kinky.

5 p.m. K and I chat about ENM stuff. It’s been about a month since we opened things up (we tried it a few months ago too but I panicked and closed it up after a few weeks). Now we’re committed to trying it in a real way, and yet we are both still feeling a little confused about how to navigate it. Luckily it feels so safe to share all the feelings with him, and vice versa. He’s not yet dating anyone else yet, and I haven’t a ton, but we’re both definitely interested in exploring it further. We both did a lot of reading about it before we were even together. This new era feels both fun and scary for both of us.

6 p.m. I need some solo time, so I take my dog for a sunset walk to clear my mind.

DAY THREE

10:15 a.m. I get out of the ocean after a quick cold plunge and see a text from A, a founder who is definitely younger than me who I interviewed with before taking my current role. He asks me to get a drink tonight and wants to talk about my work experience. Is this an interview or is he interested in me? I still think about working for his company, so am a bit confused on how to navigate. I say that I’m busy, but that we should get together next week.

1 p.m. Head to the farmers’ market with K before it closes to grab what we need for the week. Stone-fruit season is here, baby!

5 p.m. K heads out to go surfing, and I promise to read then end up scrolling through Instagram instead. Damn, the algorithm has gotten so good.

7 p.m. I do some prep for work tomorrow morning and light a candle and stretch. I’ll get dinner started in a few since K will be out of the water shortly.

9:30 p.m. K and I get in bed after a long day and a nice meal made together. My libido has been all over the place recently, so we kiss and talk and ultimately choose to read. I feel very safe to exist in this way at this moment with him; it’s new to me to feel comfortable having a sex drive that feels like it only operates at zero or 100.

DAY FOUR

11 a.m. M texts me photos for his restaurant pop-up this week and asks me for feedback. He looks good in all of them. I miss his cooking, but can’t make it to this one. Now I’m just distracted thinking about the way he used to fuck me after making hand rolls. He’s aware that I’m currently non-monogamous and he’s into it. I guess it pairs well with being extremely avoidant?

12 p.m. Okay, focus mode for work. First of many strategy sessions this week with my boss is done. I blocked my calendar this afternoon for deep work focus since this week is full of meetings. What motivates me is the possibility of a hike or yoga session later (and, in the grand scheme of things, maybe even retiring early).

5:30 p.m. I head to post-work yoga with a friend who is moving away soon. I’ll miss this ritual with her.

7:15 p.m. I send a group text to a dozen or so friends, an invite for a birthday hike to low-key celebrate next weekend. I had a nasty friend breakup last year that took me months to get over, and it feels incredible to be grounded and present with my community again. She’s now seeing my partner’s friend, so he unfortunately is not invited.

DAY FIVE

9 a.m. Two hours of work meetings in, I take a quick break to drink coffee outside and fantasize about M. Trying to do this without shame is a work in progress. I wish him luck for his event today.

1:15 p.m. I break for lunch and see a text from C, a friend of my good friend, whom I recently met. My first girl crush, who opened a very new portal for me. I love when she texts! I don’t yet understand with her what’s flirting versus just kindness, but I’m glad to be developing a connection regardless.

4 p.m. I meet with my therapist after back-to-back meetings all day and some long conversations with my counterpart at work around strategy. I’ve never worked with a therapist before that I felt so aligned with from day one, and am really thrilled about where we’re headed. We’re also going to do some work with psilocybin soon, which I’ve been needing.

6 p.m. I head to yoga and get super sweaty, so rush out afterward to avoid running into people I know.

8 p.m. K and I relax in bed and binge Bridgerton, and he gives me an amazing back massage. I’m too tired for sex and he doesn’t initiate. And yes, that is a theme currently, but we have great communication around it so I’m not concerned.

DAY SIX

7:45 a.m. Start the day with yoga at my favorite spot with a newer friend (I’m a grumpy bitch in the morning so I am relieved that I even got here) and chat about her recent poly dating experiences.

9 a.m. Her partner picks her up from class and they look so happy and connected. It gives me hope that I can make this new ENM dynamic work in my life. Feeling flowy and grab a coffee afterward from the spot down the street. Work can wait.

12 p.m. Back-to-back meetings all day and I’m out the rest of the week, so I need to lock in and focus.

6:30 p.m. Meeting A, that founder, for dinner tonight for the second time recently. Waiting at the bar with a book I can’t put down and order a negroni. I’m wearing a new blazer, platforms, and just the right amount of lip liner. A is late, but I’m really enjoying this time to wind down alone.

7 p.m. A arrives. We get personal right away. We also lock eyes the entire time he tells me about his journey in therapy to help navigate his own reflections on his potential narcissism and his sex life. I assume he’s a dom? I want to ask, but am still clueless about what is happening. I get a little uncomfortable because our connection is intense and I still don’t know if it’s a date or an interview? So like any avoidant person, I run to the train and head home.

10:30 p.m. I get home to a big wrapped birthday present from K. He’s not really a gift-giver, so I’m a little overwhelmed. I’ve had two negronis, so I politely opt out of opening it for now and head to bed with him! We chat for a while before sleeping, and I feel so grateful to come home to such a safe space. I never knew it would be possible to be my full, honest, non-monogamous (I think) self with a partner.

DAY SEVEN

8 a.m. When I wake up, K has already left for work. I lie in bed and process last night. A represents basically everything that I don’t like in this world and our values couldn’t be more different, but I’m so drawn to him? I text and say thanks for dinner, and ask for an invite to his office soon. He tells me I should thank him for something else (the juicy gossip he told me about a former co-worker we both can’t stand). I like the cheekiness.

8:45 a.m. I try to masturbate before work, but can’t distract myself with anything that feels steamier than the eye contact last night.

10:45 a.m. My best friend, S, is flying in for a visit. When she gets to my house, we head out to get coffee and gab about … everything. She’s staying with me tonight and has been in town to visit often lately. I feel so grateful that we can make a long-distance friendship work. She’s dealing with a friend who is denying her boundaries in a way that I navigated last year, and I’m so proud of her for addressing it way sooner than I did.

3:45 p.m. We go to yoga and afterward sift through each other’s Instagrams and who we stalk — including people we’ve never met. God, true friendship is the best. I don’t know if I could feel embarrassed to share things with her if I tried.

9:45 p.m. K gets home! S and I are both exhausted and get ready to settle in for the night. We’re driving to Big Sur tomorrow when our other bestie, W, arrives, and I’m very ready to unplug and have some space to decompress and connect. K isn’t coming with us, which is a shame, but I am so looking forward to friend time and sunshine. I unbox my birthday present from him before bed — he drove hours to pick up my dream vintage stand mixer for baking. I’m so grateful for this feeling of love.

Want to submit a sex diary? Email sexdiaries@nymag.com and tell us a little about yourself (and read our submission terms here.)