Angry all the time? The invisible dangers of bottling it up – and 5 quick tips to contain your rage
Holding it all in? It’s time to express – not suppress – your anger.
Seething with rage, but squashing it down and carrying on through gritted teeth? Anger is an emotion we tend to keep hidden for fear of being seen as unkind, high-maintenance or overly emotional.
In fact, women have been made to feel like they’re not allowed to get angry.
From when girls are toddlers and told to “be good”, to midlife when, despite all our overwhelming responsibilities, women must keep calm and carry on, anger is deemed unseemly rather than a sign of strength.
It is not how “nice girls” act, or those in control.
Certainly not black women, who historically, have been forced to suppress their rage so as not to be characterised as an “angry black woman” – a stereotype that tennis champion Serena Williams routinely faced following outbursts on the court.
“I think we’re scared of being seen as the bitch, the crazy one, or the one that makes a scene, because it can mean being ostracised,” says psychotherapist Jennifer Cox, co-host of the Women Are Mad podcast.
“So we bottle things up and act as the perennial peacekeeper. We write ourselves off if we think we have gone too far, said too much or been too honest. It is why we keep ourselves shut down,” she adds.
And repressing anger comes at a detrimental cost to women’s relationships, careers and even health.
Jennifer considers her new book, Women Are Angry, a call to arms. “I suppose it is radical because we are often told to calm ourselves down through breathwork, meditation retreats and so on,” she says.
“But that is like treating the symptom, not the cause. I say: ‘Rile yourself up! Let yourself feel all the stuff you’re pushing down, and then let it out, giving yourself permission to let people know how you feel.’”
Avoiding negative emotions
Remember being called a “good girl” as a child when you behaved well?
Our parents tend to guide us away from tantrums and negative emotions.
“We are never encouraged to sit with feelings of frustration, irritation or crossness,” says Jennifer.
“Instead, it’s: ‘Be nice, be pretty, be good, be polite, think of others.’ When we reach adulthood, we’re so far from being able to identify what we’re feeling as anger, that it gets expressed in all these other unhealthy, roundabout ways – guilt, shame, anxiety, social nervousness, depression, sadness and helplessness,” she says.
“The relief women feel when they identify their feelings as anger is palpable.
“It is like they have been given a gift because they can do something with it.”
Feeling sick of It
It’s not just anger you are suppressing, but all the other emotions it encompasses – such as hurt, bitterness, loss, grief and humiliation.
According to the NHS, the physical symptoms of anger can include a faster heartbeat, tense muscles, clenched fists and tightness in your chest.
Anger is associated with the stress hormones adrenalin and cortisol, and stress can manifest as digestion problems, headaches or insomnia.
One study found a link between suppressed anger and high blood pressure, which can increase the likelihood of inflammation, stroke and cardiovascular disease.*
Another found people with higher emotion suppression, including anger, had a 35% higher risk of death over 12 years, including from cancer and heart disease.**
Anger doesn’t magically disappear if you ignore it.
It festers and turns into resentment or feelings of helplessness or depression, which then influence behaviours, such as comfort eating and drinking alcohol.
Seeing red? How to handle it
Next time you feel anger rising, give expression a go. “Dare to let yourself say: ‘I feel anger,’” says Jennifer.
This might be uncomfortable and goes against a lifetime of being conditioned.
“Think about that little girl within you,” she advises.
“Allow her to be heard and be honest about her discomfort.
“Honesty gives the other person a real window into who you are and what you need.
“By saying what you actually mean, you will be better at communicating your needs.
“Often, it will be something that is not that difficult to resolve – a question of asking your partner to pick the kids up more often, or seeing if your boss will agree to you working from home once a week.”
Anger expression doesn’t always mean flying off the handle in a white-knuckle rage, and it’s not about hurting people or being unjust.
If you’re full of rage, you need to release it before having a conversation.
After all, it is difficult to be succinct and clear when your voice is trembling and your body shaking.
“At work, go to the loo, lock the door and run on the spot or do star jumps,” says Jennifer.
“Then take a few deep breaths and think about what you want to say.
“Boil it down to two or three sentences, then go back into the meeting, make an appointment, or speak to the relevant person.”
There’s also a lot to be said for talking to someone removed from the situation, to release your anger.
A little validation or fresh perspective may be exactly what you need to focus on the most important thing to say.
“When discussing what you are angry about, use the words: ‘I feel…’” says Jennifer.
“Nobody can take that away from you, it’s your business.”
Evidence shows “I feel” statements, such as “I feel uncomfortable about this”, improve communication, whereas saying: “You are…” can put the other person on the defence, rather than creating empathy between you both.
“Back up your statements with evidence as to why you feel that way, then allow the person space to express their point,” says Jennifer.
“You’ll be surprised how issues can be resolved in simple ways.
“It’s about how we communicate with each other.”
WHY ARE WE SO ANGRY?
Jennifer’s clients are typically full of rage, but you would never know it. “They are polite, high-functioning women from different demographics, but the feelings are so strong,” says Jennifer.
“Of course, there are issues involving women’s rights on a global scale, but on a more day-to-day level, women are angry because we have been gaslit.
“We have been sold a lie that we can ‘have it all’.
“But actually, it means we’re just doing it all – the daily neverending lists, the emotional and cognitive burden of taking care of everyone, as well as striving to have successful careers.
“We are burnt out and furious because men do not have to make the same choices,” says Jennifer, who describes it as insidious rather than blatant sexism.
“Sexism is hiding behind the banner of equality.
“In reality, we are expected to do twice as much because the support isn’t in place to ease the burden elsewhere in our lives.”
And society reminds us we have more options than our predecessors, which we should be grateful for.
No wonder we’re annoyed!
Express yourself
- Learn to identify how you feel in the moment.
- Tell people what you need – don’t ask.
- Say it all, especially when you feel the pressure to shut down.
- Take a time-out, then stand up tall and get back in the room.
Photography: Getty Images Sources: *Journal of the American Heart Association **Journal of Psychosomatic Research Women Are Angry: Why Your Rage Is Hiding And How To Let It Out by Jennifer Cox (£16.99, Lagom) is out now