Welcome back to Barf Bag. Next week is the Republican National Convention when the RNC will vote on its platform and Donald Trump—the convicted felon and adjudicated sexual assailant—will formally become the party's presidential nominee for the third time. Trump will also announce his Vice Presidential pick after months of buildup and one person has hilariously volunteered for the job. Trump's second wife, Marla Maples, recently did an interview with U.K. publication The Evening Standard in which she said of the 2024 campaign: "I am available if needed and I’m not sitting back anymore.” The outlet writes that sources close to Maples, mother to Tiffany Trump, "have suggested she is ambitious enough to take on the vice-presidency." In response, she said: “I’m open. I’m open to whatever way that I can serve. Right now everyone [in the Trump family] is just seeing how we can help.” First: lmao, and second, I don't know if everyone is trying to help. What's Melania been up to lately? Exactly. Maples, who rattled off covid conspiracy theories in the interview, also said some gross things about Trump's sexual assault of writer E. Jean Carroll. “I do know my daughter’s father well enough to know that he’s never had to push himself on another person. He’s always had women throw themselves on him instead,” Maples said. “I don’t believe there was a crime done.” View this post on Instagram A post shared by Marla Maples (@itsmarlamaples) Back in the realm of running-mate reality, Ohio Sen. J.D. Vance, Florida Sen. Marco Rubio, and North Dakota Gov. Doug Burgum are said to be the three finalists. Perpetual bachelor Sen. Tim Scott of South Carolina was in the running early on, but GOP donors were reportedly concerned about him being unmarried at age 57. Scott started dropping hints about a girlfriend he met through a church friend and then actually proposed to her in January shortly after endorsing Trump—but even after all that, it seems like Scott isn't getting the VP nod. It's possible the snub has more to do with Scott being vehemently anti-abortion, and having an abortion hardliner running mate doesn't currently match Trump's (laughable) claim that he supports leaving abortion to the states. Just this week, Trump said that Burgum signing a six-week abortion ban is “a little bit of an issue, it’s a really strong ban.” At the convention, RNC delegates will vote to adopt the party platform, the abortion plank of which doesn't call for Congress to pass a national abortion ban, but was carefully worded to leave the door open for courts to establish fetal personhood under the 14th Amendment. Same effect, different path, and definitely not "moderate." Happy(?) almost convention eve to one and all. Rumors are swirling that Trump may not pick Vance because he doesn't like facial hair and the Ohio Senator has a beard. This is a problem because, as one Trump adviser said, “without the beard, Vance looks like he’s 12." [The Bulwark] Failed GOP presidential candidate Nikki Haley had said that Trump needed to earn her 97 delegates, but Trump scorned her in the VP race and didn't invite her to the convention. She released the delegates and urged them to vote for Trump anyway. [Politico/NBC News] Ivan Raiklin, a man who calls himself Trump's "secretary of retribution," has a list of 350 people he wants sheriffs to arrest. [Raw Story] After Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis (R) vetoed an anti-hemp bill, a hemp grower gave $100,000 to his PAC. [Tampa Bay Times] Rep. Lauren Boebert (R-Colo.) suggested Joe Biden’s terrible debate performance was not due to…
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