Everybody Wants Biden to Lose

It has to be a conspiracy (this isn’t about the unsorted details of the Trump assassination attempt; that will or won’t work itself out). I’ve no idea what people are at the center of the plot—and it’s a cunning maneuver, for those who correctly view politics, as a Reality TV Show and entertainment—but when White House Puppet Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre referred to Joe Biden’s upcoming “big boy” press conference last Thursday, it was a quintuple peppermint ice cream cone, difficult to pull off this year, and really funny, probably intentionally so.

I’ve written, jocularly (and with impeccable prescience!), in the past year about Biden’s “second childhood” and apparently a faction of the President’s team—the “mystery team”—agrees. It conjured up sweet memories: when my kids were small, they graduated to “big boy” beds and “big boy” suitcases for trips. As usually doting, but not “helicopter,” parents, my wife and I looked at each other and grinned when either Nicky or Booker would express, at the age of three, pride in handling their “big boy” luggage for an excursion to Los Angeles, London or Italy.

I’ve zippo sympathy for the incapacitated Biden, and don’t agree with soft-brain doofuses that it’s mean-spirited to poke fun at a man nearing a final curtain call, when Mama Cass is the bus driver driving him to eternity: he’s president, he’s “running the world,” he put down Putin like a dog, as he told ABC stooge George Stephanopoulos in a ditzy interview last week, and is legitimate fare for commentators (too many) and comedians (as scarce today as cerebral movies). Although, once again, Donald Trump, is currently the only “go-to” guy for humor in the free world. (Despite his head wound, I’m certain Trump won’t miss a beat at the Republican Convention this week, although I hope he skips a beat and nixes hillbilly-for-the-USA J.D. Vance as Veep.)

Nicky, Booker and I talk about politics a lot—how can any half-way intelligent person who follows the news not?—and mostly agree that a well-coordinated bloodless coup against Biden is taking place as the Democratic Medicine Show rolls along every single day, and I’m happy to be a spectator. (There will be one lucky author, and only one, to detail the DNC’s dirty money, the capture-without-a-shot of the gullible media, and alignment with elected officials and movie stars, for campaign dish-the-dirt books now sell less than a Thomas Mallon novel. I like Mallon’s body of work; not so with political books, none of which will ever top Richard Ben Cramer’s 1992 What It Takes.)  I think it’s plausible that the DNC—and the you-don’t-know-their-names people who rule the world, no matter what party has the White House—are purposely trying to throw the election, positioning already for 2028, a “government-in-exile,” after what they assume is a disastrous second Trump term (learn to swim in deep waters, guys and gals, for another four years of Trump might be a rousing success) and lining up candidates to restore, not democracy (that canard has lost steam), but power, power and more very remunerative power that’ll set up the Democrats for perhaps a decade or so.

Is Barack Obama a key operative in this scenario? I doubt it: Obama, whose attention span is shorter than a “big-boy” first-grader, shorter than his “legacy”—the first black man elected president, Affordable Healthcare Act, and introducing a 21^st-century kind of narcissism to the country, as he campaigned vigorously only when his name was on the ballot. Why more Democrats aren’t still pissed that Obama sat out the 2010 and 2014 midterm elections is beyond me; and though I get he and Michelle had/have no affection for Hillary Clinton maybe he could’ve helped out for more than a spot appearance or two in 2016. He does have larger concerns: making loads of money giving canned speeches, hanging out with celebrities—notably the “bromance” between him and “Bruuuuucccce” that keeps Chris Christie up at night—and coasting with a lifestyle similar to the extremely wealthy people he still has the gall to excoriate, in condescending language meant for “ordinary folks” like you, me and a Dog Named Boo. Could be the heaviest lifting Barack did in the past month was giving George Clooney the line “democracy is messy” for the actor’s New York Times “guest essay” telling Biden to retire.

The media, since Biden’s rhapsodical June 27^th debate, thinks it’s central to this election, but that’s a self-charade. The Washington Post’s Karen Tumulty tweeted last week, “This week has felt like a year,” meaning she was just so, so, so busy receiving texts from politicians and watching TV, with no understanding that for most Americans it was just another week. And let’s not forget that despite vacuous protestations, reporters, pundits and media shareholders have a strong preference for a second Trump term, since it’ll be more profitable, in treasure (but not blood) and attention. If Biden wins, and Trump’s exiled to the links, “legacy” newspapers staffs would shrivel at a quicker pace, and The Atlantic would be deprived of apocalyptic Project 2025 material, and forced to find new crusades. If there’s no Trump to kick around, how would the see-no-evil-but-“45” David Frum make a living?

—Follow Russ Smith on Twitter: @MUGGER2023