The Real Housewives of Dubai Recap: Beggars Can’t Be Choosers

A civil war breaking out just before the cast trip is perfect timing.

I still get a special tingle when I watch a show finally find its groove. In reality TV, that formula — a combustible mix of narcissistic personalities, producer-fueled tensions, and escapism — is delicate. This week, however, the girls of The Real Housewives of Dubai figured out that careful cocktail and delivered, resulting in the first five-star episode in the franchise’s history. In one episode, we had two significant events and witnessed a friendship reach a tentative mending point, only to fall apart during an all-cast dinner event. Its peak docusoap excellence is only furthered by the absurdity of having Dubai as the backdrop for the simmering chaos.

Let’s start at the beginning. Ayan is finally having the launch event for her much-discussed business venture, Ayan Beauty, in partnership with her makeup artist, Toni Malt. The event itself is pretty straightforward by Ayan’s standards, but it’s hard to deny how much the moment means to Ayan, who flew in her sister and brother for the occasion. The show somehow understates just how much Ayan has endured to have the life she has now. When she lets her guard down and opens up the way she does with her siblings, it becomes clear how so much of her current day-to-day feels nearly miraculous to her after everything they have endured.

While the moment may have been sentimental for Ayan and her family, we are in the business of soapy reality television where the mess doesn’t stop for anyone — and Brooks and Taleen are more than eager to step up to the table. After arriving late to Ayan’s show with an unexpected plus one for backup (who never says a word on camera), Taleen and Brooks publicly reach an uneasy détente, with the duo revealing that they apologized to each other one-on-one. Brooks, by her own admission, accepts that she can be sharp with her words and her delivery overshadows her message. As someone well-versed in feminine passive-aggression, it’s obvious this declaration of peace was not long for this world. Their mouths may have said, “We’ve made up,” but the Botox injections in their faces were declaring lifelong enmity.

Brooks lands the first blow, meeting with Sara and Lesa to spread her side of the story. Brooks admits to apologizing, but not for placing Taleen through the rumor mill — she apologized for calling her a beggar, saying it was a low blow to a friend. Despite her admitting that it was below the belt, Caroline did not restrain herself from making the case for Taleen, indeed, being a beggar: begging to be welcome in Caroline’s social circle, consistently asking for invites to parties, and making previous (uncredited) appearances on Bravo’s cameras before integrating herself into the cast. The story Brooks is peddling is believable — Taleen is a newcomer to the reality scene who was pressed for camera time and attention. A few things, however, don’t square with Brooks’ narrative: namely, that Taleen was previously scouted for Netflix’s Dubai Bling and that her and her in-laws families both have massively successful enterprises in the Emirates, automatically granting her access to social circles that Brooks is excluded from. The truth probably lies somewhere around Taleen being interested in reality TV, Brooks encouraging her to campaign for a Bravo casting, and the duo having a strategy going in that has since completely fallen apart.

Whatever the truth may be, Taleen has committed a cardinal newbie mistake: feeling secure enough to abandon the person who brought you on the show. Ayan and Lesa may not trust Brooks as far as they can throw her, but they are aware of her flaws and willing to cede her respect as part of the original cast. To the group, Taleen merely looks disloyal and strategic, even if her gripes are rooted in very real friction in her relationship with a longtime friend.

Thankfully, this meetup finally gives Lesa something to do, and she faithfully carries that conversation to a poolside get-together with Ayan, Caroline Stanbury, and Taleen. It is immediately clear that Taleen was not prepared for the information that Lesa had to relay. The Cheshire grin that was frozen on her face as she crowed about Brooks apologizing to her fell as soon as Lesa informed her that her former friend was painting her to be a social climbing hanger-on in retaliation to their conflict. Taleen immediately begins to spiral; being called a social climber in reality TV is a scarlet letter that can ruin her career early, after all. However, she dealt herself this hand in choosing to break ranks with her main ally on the show.

With all of the simmering tension in the air, Caroline’s upcoming housewarming is no longer an occasion for the cast to come together but a battleground where lines are quickly drawn. Brooks set the pace early, bringing sage and an uninvited guest to a seated dinner, much to Stanbury’s visible frustration. When Taleen arrives with her husband, she remains polite, but her demeanor is notably icy, and she is preparing for the moment when Brooks inevitably strikes. It happens at the dinner table, as Taleen makes small talk with the rest of the women; Brooks can barely contain herself, muttering “fake” repeatedly, yet not admitting to her clear attempt to rankle Taleen when called out on it. At one point, she whispers, “I’ll throw my drink at your ugly face,” a juvenile insult that was completely out of scale for the level of tension in the room.

Predictably, the conflict escalates as the two camps retreat to opposite sides of Stanbury’s house to make their case for being justified in their frustration. Stanbury is fretting about the issue for a good reason. They are in Dubai, not America, and don’t have the same license for conflict without being potentially reprimanded. Nevertheless, the women resume their fighting, with the added factor of Taleen’s husband intervening, throwing a new wrench in the back and forth. Now Taleen has lost the upper hand of feeling targeted by Brooks’ antics by involving her husband in the matter, which prompts Lesa to jump to Caroline Brooks’ defense. Whether or not Brooks is an alcoholic who has borrowed from her entire wardrobe is irrelevant; Raffi is now a bull in a china shop, arguing with cameramen, crew, and producers in a misguided attempt to defend his wife.

We have now reached complete civil war within the group, just before their planned all-cast vacation to Bali. What could possibly go wrong? I’m sure we will continue to see the aftereffects of this conflict as the weeks continue. Until then!

Golden Nuggets

• Sergio’s new tan is so egregious that it looks like he went to the salon and gave the tanning specialists a picture of an Oompa Loompa as a reference point. Snooki would be proud.

• Caroline and Sara’s friendship breakup is a lingering storyline that simply does not interest me. Stanbury simply seems to be over Sara’s Instagram quotes, while Brooks is currently receptive to them. It is not a compelling or interesting dynamic shift in the group in any way, at least not at this moment.

• The quick aside that Caroline’s best friend Michael is funding the majority of her lifestyle was an unexpected plot twist in the Stanbury saga. Has she fully stopped trying to live off influencing at this point? How exactly is she making money to stay afloat?