Dear Abby: Husband refuses to be intimate and won’t tell me why
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been together for 15 years and share a 14-year-old son. We no longer have a physical relationship. I'm trying to decide if it's worth getting a divorce. Our marital relations were what I would consider normal, at least once a week, before and during my pregnancy. However, once my son was born, it became less and less frequent. We have gone as long as two years without being intimate. This is because of my husband's lack of interest.
We have been to counseling and had countless conversations, with me begging him to explain what the problem could be. He has spoken to his doctor and ruled out a medical issue. He refuses to admit he's no longer attracted to me but claims he's simply "not interested." Is it fair to me that I have spent 14 years without the physical intimacy I long for? Must I give up the idea of ever having it? Is this enough to leave him over? — LONGING IN MICHIGAN
DEAR LONGING: Is being married to someone who refuses physical intimacy fair? No. From what you have written, I'm not sure your husband has been completely honest about his problem. This may be from embarrassment.
The problem may be psychological — that he's not attracted to any woman who has given birth. (He wouldn't be the first.) It could also be that his hormones need supplementing — something that should be discussed with an endocrinologist. If he's having erectile difficulties, the specialist to consult would be a urologist.
Of course, none of these doctors can help if a man doesn't WANT to be helped, has a girlfriend on the side or is not completely straight. If that's the case, the person you should consult is a lawyer. Hopefully, the divorce will be amicable.
DEAR ABBY: I am a woman over 50, and my job has become more demanding as I have worked my way up the corporate ladder. The problem is, I can no longer put in the long hours and extra days. I'm a salaried employee, and I'm not compensated for all the overtime. I take my job seriously. I love what I do and don't want to quit.
On top of this, my husband of 35 years puts pressure on me when I get home. He's retired and waits around for me to do things for him. He will cook, but he won't wash dishes, do laundry, sweep floors, etc. I'm at the end of my rope. I don't know where to turn. — CAN'T DO IT ANYMORE
DEAR CAN'T: There is nothing I can do to help you regarding the money you are earning (or not) at your job. That's why it may be time to remind your retired husband that you are over 50 now and can no longer work full-time at a demanding job AND do all the housework. Then suggest that because he has so much time on his hands, he find a part-time job so you both can hire someone to do the housework he finds so unappealing. At this point, you're entitled to more help than he has been giving.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
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