Harriette Cole: This is just how I am, and it might cost me a good friend
She says we shouldn't be friends anymore.
DEAR HARRIETTE: My friend recently told me that she thinks we shouldn’t be friends anymore because I am so closed off.
This has hurt me because I value our friendship, but I also understand where she is coming from. I am naturally introverted, and I tend to keep my thoughts and feelings to myself.
It’s not that I don’t care about her or our friendship; it’s just that expressing myself openly is challenging for me. I often find social interactions draining, and I need a lot of alone time to recharge. This can make me appear distant or uninterested, but that’s not the case at all.
I care deeply about my friend and our relationship, and it hurts me to think that my introverted nature is driving a wedge between us. I don’t want to lose her as a friend, but I also don’t know how to change this aspect of who I am.
I have tried to be more open and communicative in my friendships, but it feels unnatural and exhausting. I’m worried that if I push myself too hard to be someone I’m not, I’ll end up feeling even more isolated and stressed. On the other hand, I don’t want my friend to feel neglected or undervalued.
How can I find a balance between honoring my introverted nature and being a good friend?
— Reconnecting
DEAR RECONNECTING: You are a good writer. Why not write your friend a heartfelt note telling her what you have said here — how much you value her and her friendship and revealing your introverted nature.
Ask her not to leave the friendship, but to have patience with you. Pledge to do your best to say more about what you are thinking and feeling. Then make a big effort to communicate with her.
DEAR HARRIETTE: My partner and I have been in a long-distance relationship for six months now.
I’m based in New York City, pursuing a fashion-related job, while my partner lives in Sydney. We met in university and have been inseparable, until now.
The 14-hour time difference and our demanding schedules have recently made communication challenging, leading to a growing sense of disconnection.
How can we bridge this distance and maintain our intimacy despite the time-zone gap? What strategies do you recommend for our transcontinental relationship dilemma?
— Longing in New York
DEAR LONGING IN NEW YORK: How long do you anticipate being 14 hours apart? It is surely possible to survive a long-distance relationship — many have done so — but it helps to have a timeframe.
From there, get creative with how you communicate and when.
Find times when you can steal a moment to have a FaceTime call. Send each other messages via WhatsApp or other apps that you can receive when it’s convenient. Send gifts and messages that show each other that you truly do care. Keep a countdown calendar for when you will see each other again.
On the weekends — or whenever you have free time — take each other to a new favorite place using video chat so that you explore your new environment together. Remind each other of your love and commitment, and don’t give up.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.