Living in regret: ‘I married the wrong man and made it worse by having children with him’

Sinenhlanhla Masilela

When making long-term decisions such as marriage and having children, it’s always advisable to wait before you make a move because one wrong decision can alter your life in a way that is damaging to your life.

Its not often that people talk about the harsh realities that come with having children with someone they consider to be wrong or incompatible.

Mavis Nkuna* is one of very few people who are willing to admit that marriage and children only brought them misery.

Nkuna said she when met her husband, she thought she had met her happily-ever-after, but now, after 14 years of marriage and four children, she wishes she could have chosen differently.

Speaking in a low tone, the 42-year-old said her marriage and having children had brought her nothing but strain and poverty.

“I don’t know what I regret more, the man that I married and having children with him, or having children in general. It’s been difficult, raising four children on its own is a challenge and to do it with a man who is not supportive, and is also financially and emotionally abusive is 10 times harder,” she said.

Nkuna said when she met her husband, he was good to her, but in hindsight, she realised that there were warning signs that she ignored regarding the man she was dealing with.

Detailing their history, she said they were both young when they met and she was not experienced in the dating field.

She said when they were still dating, after every argument, he would disappear for days on end without making contacting and also blocked her calls and messages.

Sometimes he would cheat on her as a form of punishment and when he came back they continued like nothing happened.

“we never sat down and communicated our issues, it has always been like that, I somehow got used to the toxicity,” she said.

“We met when I had just finished high school, I was naive, I didn’t know about red flags. I come from a family where I was raised by both parents and I never saw them fight. I genuinely thought that would also be my reality. Again, marriage has always been an integral part of my family, my parents were big advocates for that.”

Nkuna said she fell pregnant with their first child while she was still in college and she dropped out to raise their son with the intentions of resuming her studies when her son turned one, however, it never happened.

“I wanted to go back to school but somehow he convinced me that it wasn’t a good idea, he told me that our son was still young and needed me. I saw my mom listening to my father and I thought I was also doing a good thing, plus he was working and taking good care of our son, so I didn’t see a problem.”

Nkuna said after two years, they had their second son and he decided to pay lobola and they moved in together.

“He paid lobola because my parents were not happy that I had two children out of wedlock. My parents were very strict and religious people. So I did what I thought was right.”

Nkuna said she now lives in daily regret because her husband’s toxic behaviour escalated immediately when they started living together as a married couple.

“He sometimes doesn’t come back home on weekends, he doesn’t hide his cheating. When he’s at home, he calls me terrible names, he belittles me every chance he gets. He does the bare minimum for the children and eats the food that I buy, without even knowing where it comes from.

“Where will I go with four children?’’ she asked.

“My parents are dead and my siblings and I sold our home because we didn’t want to fight over the house. Living with this man means my children have a roof over their heads.”

When asked what is her biggest regret, Nkuna said it was not pursuing her tertiary education and letting others define her future.

“If I had just gone back to school and not listened to this man or my parents, maybe I wouldn’t be here. My parents drilled this marriage thing into my head. Had they just left me to make my own decisions, maybe I wouldn’t be here. I also made it worse by having four children, had I just left it at one or never had them at all, my life would have been so much better,” she said holding back the tears.

For income, Nkuna said she works as a domestic worker three times a week and she earns enough to make sure they don’t sleep hungry.

“It’s literally hand-to-mouth, it’s just enough to buy what is needed in the house. Sometimes I get lucky and my bosses give me good second-hand clothes for my children. But this is not the life I envisioned for myself. I would have done better if had I chosen me. My children also don’t deserve to live like this,’’ she concluded.

sinenhlanhla.masilela@iol.co.za

* Not her real name

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