Heading Downhill: Another One of Those Lists I Do

Based on real adventures in aging. Of which I hope to have more.

(Feel free to add your own.)

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Getting older is hilarious. Or, at least, that’s the best way to think about it. Here are more signs that time is a damn freight train and your foot it stuck in the tracks.

You can no longer see the instructions on your statin bottle.

You need a nap after going to Home Depot.

You consider that trip to Home Depot an outing, and you announce after that you’re done for the day.

Friday night is laundry night. Saturday night is laundry-folding night.

You have a favorite burner.

You stay home when a package is coming.

You stay off the highway if it rains. In fact, best to just stay home.

You can no longer see the instructions on your Wellbutrin bottle.

Huh? is the most used word in your love language.

You’re excited about your new hose reel.

You leave “closed captioning” on for all shows (in part because you can’t seem to turn it off and in part because you can’t hear shit).

You say things like, “Who calls after 8:30 p.m.?” and “I’m pooped!” and “Turn the music down.”

You watch movies in two stages.

You ask a teen what the deal is with all the hashtags.

Your phone volume is set to “max.”

Your old rock station no longer emits any recognizable music.

Trash Day is the very best day.

You watch (from the window) when the trash guys empty your cans.

If you can’t get your computer to do the thing, you don’t do the thing.

There’s no clear reason for it to hurt, but it does.

You can no longer see the instructions on your antacid bottle.

Your TV volume is set to “yell.”

You call it the TikTok.

You complain aloud about your bunions/ hemorrhoids/constipation.

You get your teeth cleaned twice a year. On schedule.

You make a special grocery trip when brisket is $2.00/pound.

You miss flip phones.

You realize you know nothing about anything. And you’re fine with that.