The Funniest Tweets From Parents This Week (July 13-19)

Not my parents getting same-day delivery on a Lite Brite for my kids when I spent two years asking for one in the '90s.

— meghan (@deloisivete) July 18, 2024

My smallest child told the entire nursery staff that we are going to Australia for the summer holidays, so they made kangaroos and learned all the animals. This lie was maintained for three solid days. When I challenged said child, I was sternly gaslit and told that we ARE going.

— CrimeGirl © (@CrimeGirI) July 17, 2024

My 10yo spotted Land Before Time on Netflix and asked what it was.

Uh, it’s smash that play button and don’t plan on bedtime being enforced tonight time because I’m about to give you SO much trauma.

— Katie Cook (@katiecandraw) July 17, 2024

Me to my friends with kids: no one cares if your house is messy! Everyone knows children live there! We love you, not your house ☺️

Me when friends are coming over: tidy tidy tidy empty trash clean clean clean clean clean HURRY HURRY HURRY THEY CANNOT KNOW WE LIVE IN FILTH ????

— Amy Colleen (@sewistwrites) July 14, 2024

them: he's a seasoned dad, he'll want to hold our baby

me: I sure as shit do not.

— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) July 15, 2024

I accidentally planned my kid’s birthday party when all his pals were at camp. The party was at an arcade and realized it too late to reschedule. So I invited a bunch of my friends and we all bowled & played laser tag with my kid & his pal. & he declared it the best party ever ????

— Lyz Lenz (@lyzl) July 13, 2024

My husband and I just spent 15 minutes watching the intro waiting for our movie to start. Turns out we were watching the credits of a movie we’d already seen. And if that doesn’t describe the tiredness of parenting, I don’t know what does.

— Mumnipotent Ruler (@MumOfTw0) July 16, 2024

Wife just convinced daughter we couldn’t set up a camera to film the tooth fairy ‘because of GDPR’.

Handy being married to a compliance manager.

— Alistair Barrie (@AlistairBarrie) July 16, 2024

I turned off the TV and my 3yo yelled "WRONG BUTTON!"

— sarah (@sarahradz_) July 17, 2024

if, at flag football, your child is the one picking daffodils in the backfield, you, as a scholar of romantic poetry, have succeeded

— manu chander (he/him) (@profchander) July 13, 2024

Welcome to fatherhood -- Weird Al Yankovic is now your favorite musician.

— Daddy Go Fish (@daddygofish) July 13, 2024

My 4yo just asked “why did they take Pluto out of space?” and I realized we had not been clear enough when we explained Pluto used to be a planet but isn’t anymore.

— Lucy Huber (@clhubes) July 14, 2024

Nothing makes you appreciate your own kids more than spending a week with other people’s kids.

— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) July 19, 2024

My dogs are always 100% by my side, unless my kids are eating food in their rooms, which they are not to do. So, whenever I am sans dogs, I yell, “Get the food outta your room!”

Just heard my 10 y/o say to his Fortnite buds, “Omg you guys, I think my mom’s a witch!”

Success????

— DonutHawk (@StruggleDisplay) July 17, 2024

My teen says there’s nothing I can do to embarrass her and that sounds like a challenge to me.

— krista pacion (@kristabellerina) July 18, 2024