Asking Eric: Since she saw the family gravesite, she refuses to speak to us
Dear Eric: My husband is one of the nicest people you’ll ever meet.
His father died and he placed a headstone at his burial site. His mother died and the funeral home’s price was very high, so he did not buy a headstone for her site. She is right next to her husband, so anyone who wants to visit her would find her.
His cousin, who lived next door to my husband for about 15 years and was best friends with us for 50 years, happened by the grave. She was there for someone else’s funeral. She noticed that there was no stone on my husband’s mother’s grave and she has not spoken to us ever since.
We invite her to our house for holidays, but she won’t come. What do you think?
– Burial Slight
Dear Burial: Unless the cousin is helping with the bill, it’s really not her concern how your husband marks his parents’ graves.
Of course, having an opinion about things that aren’t our concern is one of humanity’s favorite pastimes.
Try reaching out with an email or letter. Say, “We can tell that you don’t agree with the choice that we made. We hope you love and respect us enough to talk it through.”
She may see the missing grave marker as callous. She may be hurt on behalf of your husband’s mother. You don’t owe her an explanation.
If she doesn’t want to actually listen to what you have to say about this difficult period in your lives, then you don’t owe her additional effort either.
Dear Eric: My husband of 24 years has no interest in me.
He’s a hard worker and stays busy all the time. I asked for a divorce, but he won’t do that. There is no intimacy, only the occasional kiss on the cheek, nothing more.
For the past year, I have been reconnecting with an old friend from school. He is so affectionate with me, is intelligent, and loves to have intellectual conversations. He compliments me on my intellect, appearance, kind heart and everything I have never had. We talk, hug, even kiss, and watch movies while holding hands.
It feels so good to have someone show feelings for me. Do I just keep on this routine?
I know my husband cheated on me in the past, but I have never strayed.
I just need to feel loved, cared about and to have adult conversations. Where do people usually go from here?
I’m 59. My friend is 59. My husband is 68. The age difference started to become a problem about six years ago.
– Caught in Feelings
Dear Feelings: I’ve thought about your letter for a few weeks now and I keep coming back to the same solution. You should talk to your husband about formally opening your relationship so you can pursue a fulfilling intimacy with your friend without guilt or confusion.
Yes, I know this is a non-traditional arrangement for many. Yes, I can hear the email responses already madly dinging in my inbox, but let’s face reality – you’re kissing and going on dates. The relationship may not be currently open, but it’s certainly ajar.
Your husband’s outlook on life has changed, due to age, retirement and perhaps other factors. It’s possible that his sex drive has decreased or his understanding of himself has shifted. This is natural. There may be remedies, if he’s interested.
It’s worth asking him if he has any concerns about what’s changed for him and then sharing your own concerns. Marriages, like all relationships, are ever evolving. You owe it to each other to process this stage of its evolution.
From what you’ve written, it sounds like you’ve already started talking about the way your lives differ from what you’d like. I’m sorry he hasn’t been more responsive. Perhaps he’s comfortable with how things are.
You are not. And you haven’t been for a long time. You deserve to listen to that discomfort.
Have frank conversations with your husband and with your friend, separately, about your needs and the way your friendship has evolved. It will probably be useful to engage the help of a marriage therapist to guide this conversation with your husband. This can also be a time to process the times your husband has been unfaithful, should you so choose.
Opening your relationship isn’t a tit-for-tat arrangement, however. I offer it as a way of formalizing the connections that are already happening and getting everyone on the same page.
Tristan Taormino’s book “Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships” will also give you good models for navigating this phase. You deserve to feel loved and cared for. You deserve intimacy. Establishing healthy communication around love, boundaries, and intimacy will only make the bonds you have stronger.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.