Biden Passes the Torch, Vows To Cure Cancer in Slurred Primetime Address

President Joe Biden refused to resign on Wednesday, but finally explained his decision to begrudgingly "pass the torch" after losing a bitter power struggle with Nancy Pelosi and other top Democrats who forced him to end his bid for reelection.

Speaking from the Oval Office, surrounded by family and loved ones, Biden praised his accomplishments, as well as his selfless decision to withdraw from the race and endorse Vice President Kamala Harris. Even though he clearly didn't want to, Biden congratulated himself for having the courage to "unite my party" and "defend democracy" by stepping aside.

"I believe my record as president, my leadership in the world, my vision for America's future, all merited a second term," he said. "But nothing—nothing—can come in the way of saving our democracy. That includes personal ambition. So I decided the best way forward is to pass the torch to a new generation."

Biden's slurred, semi-coherent address marked his first public appearance since last week, when he fled to Delaware on Air Force One after allegedly testing positive for COVID. The president, who regularly invites elite historians to the White House to compliment his historic presidency, insisted that "America is at an inflection point, one of those rare moments in history when the decisions we make now determine our fate of our nation and the world for decades to come." 

The speech was written by Jon Meacham, one of Biden's favorite historians. In a New York Times op-ed published earlier this week, Meacham described Biden's reluctance to keep fighting for a second term as "one of the most remarkable acts of leadership in our history, an act of self-sacrifice that places him in the company of George Washington." Just days earlier, Meacham had slammed the "totally false" reports that he was working on an "exit the race speech" for Biden, which turned out to be totally true.

America would have to choose, Biden said , between "hope and hate, between unity and division." He half-heartedly threw his support behind Harris, and promised to continue pursuing his own agenda for the remainder of his term in office. That agenda includes "Supreme Court reform," whatever that means. Biden also vowed to "end cancer as we know it because we can do it." In 2019, he told Americans he would "cure cancer" if elected. He has about six months left to keep that promise.

"We've come so far since my inauguration," Biden said while struggling to read from the teleprompter. "On that day I told you as I stood in that winter. We were stood in that winter apparel, and a winter of possibilities, apparel of possibilities."

Hours before Biden's address, Israeli prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu addressed members of Congress on Capitol Hill, while left-wing activists burned American flags and defaced nearby Union Station with pro-Hamas graffiti celebrating the death of Jews. Biden's hand-picked replacement has not commented on the chaos.

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