Feeling Left Out? What to Do When Your Kid Prefers the Other Parent, According to an Expert
We’ve all been there: you’re ready for a cozy cuddle session with your little one, only to hear, “I want Daddy!” or “I want Mommy!” Ouch! For parents of teenagers, who express things more directly, the scenario might look a bit different. Imagine gearing up for a heart-to-heart conversation, only to hear, “Can I talk to Dad about this instead?” or “Mom gets me better when it comes to this stuff.” Double ouch!
If you’ve ever felt a pang of jealousy because your child seems to prefer the other parent, you’re not alone. But don’t worry, it’s not necessarily a sign of bad parenting. Let’s explore this common challenge to get a clearer picture of what’s going on when your child preference for one parent over the other.
Why Do Kids Play Favorites?
Kids can be mysterious and unpredictable little beings with their own quirks and preferences. Sometimes, their favoritism can be as variable as their taste in food (yesterday they loved broccoli, today it’s the enemy). Here are a few reasons why your child might be gravitating towards the other parent:
Developmental Phases: Just like they go through phases of loving certain toys or kind of music, they can go through phases of favoring one parent. It’s a normal part of their development.
Personality Fit: Sometimes, one parent’s personality might mesh better with what the child needs at that moment. It’s not a reflection of your worth as a parent.
Routine and Comfort: Kids thrive on routine and predictability. If one parent usually does bedtime, they might become the go-to for nighttime snuggles.
Power Tactics: Children can be surprisingly clever. Sometimes, they might favor one parent to get what they want, knowing who is more likely to say yes to that extra time using the iPad or extended playtime.
Sending a Message: Sometimes, a child’s preference can be a subtle way of communicating that something isn’t working out within the relationship dynamics. They might be seeking more attention or connection from the parent they are favoring, or there could be an underlying issue that needs addressing.
What to Do When You’re Not the Favorite
Before jumping to conclusions, it’s essential to ask yourself: Am I spending enough quality time with my child? The key word here is quality. One-on-one time with your kids, with no one else around—no competition from the TV, cellphone, other siblings, or distractions—is essential to create a real close relationship.
Quality time allows you to connect deeply with your child, understand their needs, and build a strong bond. It’s not about the quantity of time — five or 10 minutes daily taken to just be next to your child can be enough to create a deep connection that makes the difference. Here are a few tips to ensure you’re making the most of your time together:
Be Present: Put away your phone, turn off the screens, and focus entirely on your child and the activity that they are choosing to do. Show them that they are your priority during this time.
Engage in Activities They Love: Whether it’s reading a book, playing a game, or going for a walk, engage in activities that your child enjoys. This shows that you value their interests and appreciate spending time with them.
Listen Actively: Pay attention to what your child is saying, ask questions, and show genuine interest in their stories and thoughts. This helps them feel heard and valued.
Create Traditions: Establishing regular routines or traditions, like a weekly movie night or a Saturday morning family breakfast in the backyard, can create cherished memories and a sense of security for your child.
Acceptance and Openness: Ask yourself if you are openly accepting your child just as they are during the time you are with them. Do they feel completely accepted, or do they have to earn your time and attention? Are you sending a message that your attention needs to be bought by “behavior,” or can your child come to you openly and imperfectly as they are without feeling conditioned?
What If I’m Still Hurt?
It’s the big question: How to handle feeling left out? First off, take a deep breath. It’s okay to feel a bit hurt, but remember, this phase will pass.
For example, you can turn this situation into a fun teamwork exercise. Plan activities that require both parents, like a family game night or a cooking project. This way, your child sees the joy of spending time with both of you together.
It can also help to create special moments with your child that are uniquely yours. It could be a weekly trip to the park, a special bedtime story ritual, or even a secret handshake. These little traditions can strengthen your bond.
If your partner (or ex) is the current favorite for a specific activity, like reading bedtime stories or talking about the latest news from school, embrace it. Take this opportunity to enjoy some “me time” or to do something with other members of the family instead. It’s a win-win!
Be careful not to pressure your child with “Why not me?” This can make them feel guilty or confused about their preferences and can strain your relationship. Instead, focus on the positive aspects and find other ways to bond with your child.
Kids pick up on our emotions. If you stay positive and playful about the situation, they will too. Instead of saying, “Why don’t you want me to read to you?” try, “Wow, you and Daddy had such a fun story time! How about we all read together tomorrow?” or “Can I read this particular book together next time?”
If the established relationship is healthy and bridges of communication are open, you can make the other parent part of the equation. Talk to them about how you’re feeling. They might have some insights or ideas to help balance things out.
Parenting is a team sport, not a competition. Be grateful your kid has someone they can trust and embrace the emotional support that person is offering them. Your child’s preference for one parent over the other is just a phase and doesn’t diminish your importance in their life. Each parent brings unique strengths and love to the table, and your child benefits from all of it.
But above all, keep a sense of humor. Kids are always evolving and their preferences change as quickly as the weather. One day you’re the favorite, the next day you’re not, and that’s okay. What matters most is the love and care you consistently provide.
So next time your child says they want the other parent, take it as a moment to relax, recharge, and maybe even enjoy a quiet cup of coffee. Parenting is a wild ride, but with a little patience, teamwork, and a lot of love, you’re doing just great.
Welcome to Family Reset, a monthly column and must-go destination for all parents seeking guidance (and grasping for some sanity) in the wild adventure of raising children. Behind this compelling and candid read is New York psychotherapist, writer, editor, and “mommyyy” Zuania Capó, (or just call her Z), a compassionate, multicultural, and integrative therapist passionate about supporting families to thrive and connect. Armed with a touch of wisdom, insightful tips, a witty spirit, tons of honesty, and a sprinkle of humor, she is here to help you navigate the complexities of parenthood while prioritizing your well-being.
Family Reset is not just a source of advice; it’s a vibrant community where parents can find inspiration, share their stories, and realize they are not alone in the exhilarating roller coaster ride of parenting. Have questions? Want answers? Get ready to hit that reset button and connect with Z at zcmentalhealth@zuaniacapo.com.