'We don't want you anyway!' Army launches reverse psychology recruiting campaign

“Most teens these days are too fat, stupid, and substance-addled to even be suitable for service,” said Staff Sergeant Simona Oppf.

FORT MEADE, Md. — The U.S. Army is trying out a new tactic to beat its recruiting shortfalls: reverse psychology.

“I remember watching the pickup artist when I was a junior officer,” said Maj. Gen. Johnny Davis, commanding general of Army Recruiting Command. “That guy would basically trick women into sleeping with him by being mean and pretending to be uninterested, and that is essentially what we are trying to do here.”

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The service’s new recruiting campaign aims to effectively trick young people into joining by saying just the opposite. But Davis emphasized that there is nothing inherently dishonest about this method of finding future soldiers. 

“It’s not like… sleeping with women through trickery but by tricking kids into joining the Army, wait… it sounds worse when you say it out loud but I promise it is a solid idea,” Davis said.

Regardless, recruiting talent, not just warm bodies is the goal. And many recruiters in the metaphorical trenches at strip mall mid-suites, typically next to a payday loan office or Panda Express, are taking this new slogan and campaign to heart.

“Most teens these days are too fat, stupid, and substance-addled to even be suitable for service,” said Staff Sergeant Simona Oppf, a social media influencer, in a video post on the Army Recruiting Instagram page. “But I am an expert on Instagram and TikTok and a lot of these losers have a shame kink or some sick desire to ‘spite join’ when you tell them they are duds.”

According to Oppf, the reverse psychology recruiting messages work since most kids are fundamentally unhappy and their mommies have been telling them that they are perfect little snowflakes for 18 years.

“Then bam! I say ‘You can’t sit with us’ and before you know it, some weirdo with the potential to be a school shooter instead gets it into gear, drops a bunch of weight, and is practically begging me to send him to the sandbox,” she said.

So far, the plan has not been in place long enough to yield hard data but a few new recruits have provided anecdotal feedback. 

“I grew up watching Seinfeld reruns,” said Pvt. Reed Washington, a recent graduate of Army Basic Training. “The Army seemed like the absolute worst thing to do but George had a philosophy that always resonated with me, ‘do the opposite of what seems like the smartest plan’ and see where it gets you. So far, it has gotten me into the Army.” 

“For far too long, it was way too easy to join up because the Army courted potential recruits like Dicaprio courts Israeli models immediately following their bat mitzvahs,” said Army Secretary Christine E. Wormuth. “But then we realized that if you want someone, you have to play hard to get and insult them into loving you.” 

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Gray Sea Liu is a former Naval Officer, current smart ass.

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