I have sex with a married man every week while my loyal husband’s at home battling dementia – I even know his wife too
ELLIE Flloyd cheats once a week on her loyal husband of 27 years.
Here, with incredible honesty, she explains why.
Scrolling through Mumsnet, I came across a thread about extramarital affairs.
The woman explained she’d signed up because of her sexless marriage.
She was roundly reviled and told to end her marriage as there’s never an excuse for cheating.
It’s a sentiment I’d have echoed throughout my 27-year marriage.
But this time I paused and read what she had to say, how the lack of intimacy made her feel only half alive, that she loved her husband but needed sex.
And I found myself nodding along.
And now, a year on, I too am guilty of straying from my devoted husband.
In the past year I have had three meetings with different men.
The third I meet up with every week, kissing my husband goodbye before I leave.
I also give my 24-year-old daughter Annie a hug and thank her for coming over to give me a break on a Wednesday.
They think I’m out with my best friend or shopping.
Then I leave the house with my usual mixture of emotions — excitement and crushing guilt — to meet my lover.
Would my daughter be there if she knew what I was really doing?
I hope I never find out.
Lovely intimacy
My affair is life-affirming and wonderful — it’s allowed me to come off my antidepressants and my blood pressure pills.
I now feel happy again — at times.
The sex we have is passionate but tender too. I suspect I’m falling in love and the feeling is mutual.
I never imagined that I’d be a person that had an affair — at 51 I’m no femme fatale.
Then again, I never imagined my beloved husband of 27 years would be deteriorating in front of my eyes with the cruel disease that is early-onset dementia.
I had no idea that being a carer would drive me to the brink of despair, that the lack of sex would leave me feeling bereft.
It was something I took for granted throughout my marriage, not just the pleasure of the act but that lovely intimacy afterwards.
Richard, now 53, and I met through mutual friends.
I found him attractive immediately.
He was like a teddy bear, not overweight but solid with lovely masculine hands.
Above everything I enjoyed his quick wit and emotional intelligence.
We were in tune and I felt safe with him.
Within 18 months we were engaged and moved into our house on the outskirts of Bath, and a year later we had a big white wedding.
We were Mr and Mrs Average — but I felt blessed, I’d found my soulmate.
It was around seven years ago that I saw a change in Richard
Ellie
Our biggest hurdle was struggling to conceive for the first two years of our marriage.
But then we had Annie, quickly followed by Chloe, 22, and six years later a happy surprise, Becky.
She’s 16 now and it kills me that her dad is disappearing for those precious years when she transitions into adulthood.
We always enjoyed a healthy sex life, even through the early baby years.
It was around seven years ago that I saw a change in Richard.
The children started complaining about his driving and I noticed he had hoarding tendencies.
We were doing an extension and needed to clear the attic and he wanted to cling on to everything.
He was usually completely unsentimental.
It came to a head in 2019.
He was let go from his accountancy job after making a few mistakes.
He didn’t tell me he was being investigated, he wanted to protect me and hoped it would go away.
It didn’t — and when we talked, he admitted that he felt foggy.
At the same time I noticed a tremor in his hand.
We went to our GP and, in November of that year, he was diagnosed with early-onset Lewy body dementia.
The shock was immense.
We both cried, mourning the retirement we’d planned going hiking through Europe.
Obsessive googling turned up more and more bad news: The average life expectancy post- diagnosis is between five and eight years.
His decline came in fits and starts.
He’s now doubly incontinent.
He can walk, but he shuffles.
He can’t be left alone.
I’m able to do my admin job from home, and we have carers that come in three times a day.
But at night it’s down to me, including showering him and changing his incontinence pants.
I don’t begrudge him, though in my darkest moments I wish he’d been taken more quickly for his sake.
The only thing that gives him comfort is our cat Hector who sits with him while he watches TV.
He can communicate.
I got depression and my blood pressure went through the roof from the stress
Ellie
The niceties of life such as asking how I am seem to be hardwired, but he can’t hold a conversation.
Our children have been amazing and so have friends and family.
But I’ve felt desperately lonely and scared.
I got depression and my blood pressure went through the roof from the stress.
Medication helped, but I felt as though I was flailing in the dark.
It was that thread on Mumsnet that set in motion a chain of events that has left me feeling alive again.
I spent a few weeks wrestling with my conscience before signing up to a dating website, specifically for affairs, called Illicit Encounters, and it took another few weeks before I started replying to messages.
The first man I met was lovely.
He and his wife were in an open relationship — confirmed by her over the phone.
After a few weeks we met for coffee in a hotel.
We’d agreed that if we fancied each other we’d take it further.
Sadly he had erectile dysfunction — which sent my confidence plummeting.
But we became friends and I’m still in touch with him and his wife.
The second man was a one- morning stand, again in a hotel local to me, miles away from his home in Yorkshire.
We knew it would be a one-off, but he’d made me laugh with his messages which we’d been exchanging for a month before we met.
I’d also told him a lot about my life. We discussed how I felt the need to take the plunge if we fancied each other.
The night before, I had a wobble and we spoke on the phone.
He was so charming and made me feel at ease, so when we met I was happy for him to take the lead.
We had sex within half an hour of meeting and it was incredible.
I felt desired and alive.
We parted with a kiss and I’ll always remember him fondly.
My latest man is local and he cares for his wife, who has Huntington’s disease.
I actually knew her before.
I trusted him enough to meet at their house.
She goes to respite care every Wednesday which is why we have a set day of the week to meet.
We’d arranged a code word that if I wanted to have sex I’d say I wanted cake.
After a tour round his garden I mentioned cake enthusiastically.
Neither of our homes have a so-called marital bed any more.
He has his own bed and I’ve also discovered sex is fun in new locations such as the sofa and the floor.
He’s attractive but the biggest connection has come from the fact we understand exactly what each other is coping with.
He’s helped my life so much.
Since we met in April I’ve come off all my medication.
I love feeling attractive again, I love having regular sex — I was too young for that part of my life to be over.
I live in terror of being found out and wracked with guilt. I can’t even think about my lover’s wife.
When it comes to my children, I think my eldest daughters might understand but I suspect Becky would be devastated.
Like a toddler
Equally, I enjoy the fact that people have a good opinion of me — they think I’m some sort of saint and I worry that would disappear if they found out.
I particularly worry about my friends who’ve been cheated on.
I don’t know if they’d be able to separate this situation from a typical betrayal.
My best friend knows and assures me that what I’m doing is necessary.
But my poor husband can’t escape — why should I be able to?
I hope people will read my story and talk to their spouse before they get to this stage.
I wish we’d had hypothetical conversations about this sort of situation when he was well.
I’m sure he’d have told me to do what I’m doing — he was kind, rational and wanted me to be happy.
I’d want it for him.
It’s too late for those conversations.
He’s like a toddler, possessive of my attention, with no reasoning.
As for my extra-marital relationship, neither of us would leave our partners.
It would be treacherous, complicated and hurt too many people.
I love my husband and want to be there for him.
I sometimes daydream about one day being with my lover, but so much pain would have to be endured before that happens that I don’t know how it would work in reality.
And I’d need to be very mindful about the children.
Sometimes I think the older ones would relish me bringing a vibrant, happy person into the family.
For now, though, I need this escape — and I hope if it ever comes out I won’t be judged too harshly.
- Names have been changed.