CORRECTION: Missed Opportunity: This Model Railroading Enthusiast Who Just Committed Suicide Didn’t Incorporate His Model Railroad Into His Suicide At All  

CORRECTION: Missed Opportunity: This Model Railroading Enthusiast Who Just Committed Suicide Didn’t Incorporate His Model Railroad Into His Suicide At All  

It has come to our attention that Ronald Cleveland, the subject of our article, “Missed Opportunity: This Model Railroading Enthusiast Who Just Committed Suicide Didn’t Incorporate His Model Railroad Into His Suicide At All,” did in fact heavily incorporate his model railroad into his suicide. Mr. Cleveland was found dead amidst his large model railroad setup dressed in a full conductor’s outfit, with his wrists cut and his blood beautifully flowing through the miniature town’s system of realistic waterfalls and rivers in a tragic but soul-stirring display of both his personal angst and commitment to his hobby. ClickHole regrets our error, which was caused by relying on assumptions instead of research. Furthermore, we rescind our assertion that Mr. Cleveland did not deserve to be buried in a locomotive-shaped casket. We are sincerely sorry for any harm we have caused to Mr. Cleveland’s family at this difficult time by telling him to “rest in piss.”

ORIGINAL ARTICLE 

Missed Opportunity: This Model Railroading Enthusiast Who Just Committed Suicide Didn’t Incorporate His Model Railroad Into His Suicide At All  

Sometimes you see a missed opportunity that is so blatant and confounding that it has you slapping your head in disbelief so hard you almost knock yourself out. One such massive missed opportunity happened recently, and it’s going to have you screaming with disgust: This model railroading enthusiast who committed suicide didn’t incorporate his model railroad into his suicide at all. 

What the hell, man?! Talk about wasting a chance to end your life in a truly memorable way. 

When 54-year-old avid model railroader Ronald Cleveland decided to end his life, he apparently forgot all about the 800 square foot, $23,000 Lionel model railroad setup in his basement, not to mention his train conductor’s outfit, his wooden train whistle, and all of his other train-related memorabilia which could have helped make his suicide one-of-a-kind. He completely squandered the chance to do something iconic like blowing his head off with a shotgun in the middle of his train set to make it appear as if he were a dead giant slumped over the mountain range he spent months painstakingly building out of papier mâché, possibly even arranging it so the train would chug right on through the hole in his head like a tunnel until he was discovered by a horrified—and equally impressed—friend or family member. 

Sure, given that Ronald had just gambled away his entire savings and retirement fund after being laid off from the company he gave 23 years of his life to, there’s no doubt he was in a hurry to end it all, but that’s no excuse. We’re not even saying he need to create some elaborate Rube Goldberg setup in which his train would reach a spot on the track where it tripped the trigger attached to a crate of vintage locomotive parts suspended above his head in an old Union Pacific shipping crate, crushing him to death while a CD of train whistles looped at maximum volume. All he had to do was take 15-20 minutes to spread a little Mod Podge all over his body, flock himself with grass and pebbles, lay down next to the miniature shopping mall in his diorama, and die of an intentional overdose to become one with his railroad setup as a beautifully haunting final gesture of his love of trains. But nope! 

Choo-choo! All aboard for the Valley of Missed Opportunities, population: this guy! 

For a man who spent nearly every moment of his spare time on his model railroading hobby, this oversight is completely inexcusable. Ronald definitely doesn’t deserve to be buried in a locomotive-shaped casket or have his obituary published in Model Railroader magazine, because any real train lover would have known that this was his one chance at becoming a legend, and he missed it. Rest in piss, loser.