I never wanted kids & I’m traumatised by childbirth, but people blame me for my bad experience, says Ashley James
PREGNANCY and child birth is said to be a magical experience, but for many people the whole thing can be a total nightmare.
Ashley James, 37, was one of the unlucky lot who had less than a pleasant time when giving birth.
The whole ordeal left her “traumatised”, but as far as some people are concerned she’s got no one to blame but herself for her experience.
Before meeting partner Tom Andrews, 32, with whom she shares little ones Ada and Alfie, Ashley says she “never wanted kids.”
“It’s not like I ever envisioned my life as one day I’ll be a mum, I always wanted to be child-free,” she adds.
But when she gave birth to her son, Alfie, during lockdown and spent the first six months “in total bliss”, she thought that change of heart would last.
It was only when the world began opening up again she realised how much her life had changed and longed for her old life back.
“All my reasons why I didn’t want to be a mum, I felt I was living that reality,” she said.
“Then you’d feel guilty for ever wanting to wish a child away because obviously you love them and want to best for them.”
Speaking on the Made by Mummas podcast, the presenter also explained how her birthing experience left her “traumatised”.
During her labour, despite wanting pain relief, Ashley said she was denied any.
“They kept not only brushing me off, but telling me ‘if you let us do this then we’ll give you pain relief.’ So it was the physical checks that were honestly agony,” she explained.
“They basically pinned me down and forced me to do these checks and [the pain relief] never came.”
Because she gave birth during lockdown, Ashley claimed she also had to “beg” to have partner Tom in the hospital with her.
The meant the “positive mindset” she had before going into labour quickly faded.
“Because I’ve run a few London marathons, I know that I can kind of push my body past pain.
“But it was when I got there that things started to feel wrong – as I was in constant pain, 18 hours of pretty severe pain,” the former Made In Chelsea star told fans on Instagram.
After welcoming Alfie into the world, Ashely reviewed the hospital’s notes from her birth and was shocked to learn that the only reason she wasn’t given pain relief is because she was “coping fine.”
The mum even checked with her partner, who agreed it was clear she wanted some form of pain relief during the birth.
“It was the worst experience and it just completely broke my trust [with medical professionals],” she said.
Unfortunately, the lack of pain relief was only part of the issue for the reality star, who claimed she was also “stitched up incorrectly”, leading to faecal incontinence, leaving her unable to control her bowel movements.
“I felt disgusting,” she admitted.
“I went from being this really healthy, athletic person to suddenly not knowing if I could trust my body to function.”
It’s not like I wear a badge of honour, I’m literally traumatised for life.”
Ashley James
During this time Ashley was also diagnosed with vaginismus, an involuntary tensing of the vagina which can mean sex and even inserting a tampon is excruciatingly painful.
Before the diagnosis, and it’s eventual fix at 22-months postpartum, Ashley said she was told by doctors that the pain was “all in her head”
“How has it taken people telling me it’s all in my head like I’m some crazy woman when it’s actually something that women get,” she said.
The presenter even admitted that as she was struggling people had little sympathy for her.
This narrative around postpartum care is something Ashley is keen to combat.
“If I try and talk about it it’s like ‘oh well, at least Alfie was safe’ and ‘do you think you’re the first person to go through childbirth?’
“Then you also get this toxic positive narrative of ‘all you hear is negative birth experiences’ and I’m like, it’s not like I wear a badge of honour, I’m literally traumatised for life.”
Ashley continued: “It’s so frustrating because we blame the women for having the bad experience.”
Now when talking about her negative experience, the mum said she feels like she always has to prerequisite it with the fact she “obviously loves” her kids.
The Birth Trauma Inquiry
Around one in four women experience mental health problems in pregnancy and during the 24 months after giving birth says the NHS.
An inquiry into birth trauma hopes to see a National Maternity Improvement Strategy led by a new Maternity Commissioner in government to outline improvements, these include;
- Recruit, train and retain more midwives, obstetricians and anaesthetists
- Provide universal access to specialist maternal mental health services across the UK
- Offer a separate 6-week check post-delivery with a GP for all mothers
- Roll out and implement OASI (obstetric and anal sphincter injury) care bundle to all hospital trusts to reduce risk of injuries in childbirth
- Oversee the national rollout of standardised post birth services, such as Birth Reflections, to give all mothers a safe space to speak about their experiences in childbirth
- Ensure better education for women on birth choices
- Respect mothers’ choices about giving birth and access to pain relief and keep mothers together with their baby as much as possible
- Provide support for fathers and ensure nominated birth partner is continuously informed and updated during labour and post-delivery
- Provide better continuity of care and digitise mother’s health records to improve communication between primary and secondary health care pathways
- Extend the time limit for medical negligence litigation relating to childbirth from three years to five years
- Commit to tackling inequalities in maternity care among ethnic minorities, particularly Black and Asian women
- NIHR to commission research on the economic impact of birth trauma and injuries, including factors such as women delaying returning to work
If you are struggling post-birth you can contact Association for Post Natal Illness (APNI) – helpline on 020 7386 0868