Miss Manners: The family was in mourning but that doesn’t excuse their rudeness

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband’s close relative died. We found out by chance because an announcement appeared on our social media feeds. We did not receive a private message, a text or a phone call.

We don’t use social media very often; if we hadn’t seen the announcement, we wouldn’t have known.

My husband’s relative loved him very much, and I thought it was insensitive for the family not to notify him personally. After the wake, which was also online, I messaged them privately and said so.

They responded that I was rude and selfish. They said that they, the (more) bereaved party who organized the funeral and wake, were entitled to manage it in a way that made their grief easier to bear. Then they blocked me on social media, which is fine with me.

It’s my feeling that when someone dies, there is no “easy.” There’s only politeness, and the polite thing to do is to inform people personally that someone they care about has died. That shows consideration for those who will mourn the loss of the deceased, and gives them a chance to show respect and support for the bereaved.

Social media announcements that close relatives may see by chance are not polite, in my view.

I’ll concede that I probably shouldn’t have mentioned it, especially since they’re my in-laws, but isn’t it fundamentally rude not to inform family members directly (by email, text or phone) that someone has died?

GENTLE READER: One is likely to stumble when claiming the moral high ground too soon after committing the almost unpardonably rude act of scolding the chief mourners for their handling of the death announcements.

But yes, a personal call would have been preferable — which Miss Manners would certainly not have said about a text, and likely not about an email.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I admit to messing up my financial life, and therefore it will be at least three or four years before I am eligible to even apply for credit. This is my responsibility to bear; I blame no one else.

I also understand that retail employees are under pressure to offer their store’s credit card to customers, and do their best to have the customer fill out an application right there, often in front of other customers.

I have known of employees being disciplined if they do not succeed at this secondary sale (separate from the merchandise). Such punishment may mean their hours are drastically cut or that they are placed on undesirable shifts.

I have no desire to cause the employee unhappiness, loss of wages or even the loss of their job, but I have to protect my own financials. One of the ways I can repair my credit is by not applying for any cards for the foreseeable future.

How do I politely say “no” without humiliating myself or getting the employee in trouble?

GENTLE READER: By remembering that one may refuse a new credit card for reasons other than bad credit. Who knows? Perhaps you have so many credit cards that it would simply be a burden to keep track of yet another.

Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.