Want to be a better mum? Ditch the guilt and be kinder to yourself, says mum-fluencer Zoe Blaskey
IT’S noon on a Monday and I’m sitting on a Zoom call to mum-fluencer Zoe Blaskey, host of the podcast and now book of the same name, Motherkind.
It couldn’t be better timing – I have a 20 month old, I work full-time and, as I interview Zoe, I feel like a bad mum for not being with my daughter.
“You’re the classic mum I hear from all the time,” Zoe says.
“It’s textbook mum guilt, but I bet you haven’t said it out loud to others. Am I right?”
Of course, she’s right.
Perhaps I’d kept schtum because 92% of mums feel society does not understand or support motherhood, according to a survey by parenting platform Motherly.
“The truth is, motherhood is really, really hard,” says Zoe.
Except, no one tells you how hard it will be, even less so how to navigate it (other than with wine).
“Everything I’d heard told me I should wish for my children to be happy,
“I shouldn’t care about my own happiness because, as the mother, I didn’t matter,” adds Zoe.
“But every time I ignored my needs and chose the comfort of others, I felt broken.”
Clearly, this resonates with many mums – Zoe’s podcast, launched in 2017, has more than 5 million downloads and was recently named in Apple’s Top 10 parenting podcasts.
“My book won’t tell you how to wean your toddler, or why your six year old won’t sleep.
“My focus is on you, the mother,” she says.
Here’s how to look after yourself, as well as care for your kids.
Reject Bounce Back
Zoe’s first message to mums is to reject the “bounce back” narrative.
“The idea that we’re expected to go through the greatest transition imaginable and then just return to our previous self, as if it never happened – to fit back into our lives, our jeans and our old identities – is, I believe, why so many of us feel we are getting it wrong,” Zoe says.
“The dictionary definition of bounce back is to ‘recover quickly from a setback’.
But our children are not a ‘setback’.
” Zoe encourages mums to be curious about their new identity, but says it’s normal to grieve your pre-baby self.
“It’s OK to admit that being a mum is very hard, even if you chose it.
Your TOOLKIT
In moments of overwhelm, use this 30-second self-compassion aid, which has been adapted from the teachings of Dr Kristin Neff.
- Awareness Label the moment, eg: “This is hard/tough.”
- Validation Remind yourself there is nothing wrong with a hard moment. It’s a part of life. Say: “Every mother has had moments like this. I’m not alone.”
- Compassion Show yourself the same level of compassion that you would show a close friend in the same situation, by telling yourself: “I can handle this and I’m doing a good job.”
Stop Trying To Be Perfect
Attempting to be faultless isn’t going to help our children – it’s going to give them mums who are stressed-out, exhausted and self-critical.
“You very rarely hear the words: ‘I’m just such a great mum,’ despite the fact more mums are doing everything they possibly can to be the greatest they can be,” says Zoe.
Perfectionism makes the already hard – and inherently imperfect – job of mothering almost impossible.
It is largely a fear of disapproval and of not being good enough, which is what underpinned Zoe’s own distressing experience of breastfeeding with her firstborn.
“I dreamed of long days with my heavenly smelling newborn nuzzling at my breast,” she says.
“The reality couldn’t have been more different – the latch wasn’t right, I got mastitis and I bled, but I wouldn’t give up.
“I was always either feeding, pumping, or cleaning the pump and bottles. I couldn’t see that perfectionism was driving me into the ground.”
When her second daughter was born, Zoe combined breastfeeding with formula and then used only formula from six weeks.
“I can’t tell you the difference it made to my mental health,” she says.
Your TOOLKIT
Every evening, write down one thing you feel you haven’t done today or have “failed” at.
Next to it, note five things you have done today.
“Focus on this list, giving yourself credit for being selfless in those moments, for achieving things you know make you a fantastic mother,” says Zoe.
Make Your Needs Equal
When was the last time you put yourself first?
Chances are, you can’t remember.
As mums, we are always looking out for our children (and our partner, too).
“Our needs are like a beach ball that we try to push under water,” says Zoe.
“But they don’t go away just because we ignore them.
In fact, they explode to the surface when we least expect it.
“This explosion might be screaming at your partner, snapping at the kids, tutting at the slow person in the supermarket queue, or crying on the bathroom floor.”
In order to put your own needs first, it might mean disappointing others.
For example, telling the kids you can’t build a cushion fort with them, because: “Mummy needs to read in peace,” or you can’t put them to bed because: “Mum is going to a yoga class.”
But as Zoe says: “It’s non-negotiable to look after ourselves in order to look after our children.”
It teaches them to advocate for their own needs.
Your TOOLKIT
Make a chart or list of your needs: sleep, exercise, intimacy, purpose, nature or fun are just some.
“Regularly ask yourself: ‘What do I need?’
“It’s a really simple question, but one that thousands of mothers I’ve spoken to rarely ask themselves,” says Zoe.
Do Less, Not More
On top of the dozens of things mums already have to do, Zoe avoids telling them to practise “self-care” to reduce stress.
“As mums, our nervous systems can be in a state of constant activation and our bodies are often scanning for a threat, meaning we rarely feel at ease,” she says.
“The problem with the version of ‘self-care’ our generation is being sold is that it feels like another thing to do – yet more pressure to do it ‘right’.”
Your TOOLKIT
Instead of forcing self-care practices you think you should be doing, write a list of 10 things that give you energy and 10 things that drain it.
Here are some prompts to get you started: Givers When do you feel at your best?
What do you always look forward to?
Drains What do you dread? Who makes you feel worse after seeing them?
Zoe says she’s changed friendships and had hard conversations since questioning what truly gives her energy.
- Zoe Blaskey is the author of Motherkind: A New Way To Thrive In A World Of Endless Expectations (£16.99, HQ) out Thursday.
Different parenting styles explained
There are four recognised styles of parenting explained below:
Authoritarian Parenting
What some might describe as ‘regimental’ or ‘strict parenting.
Parents with this style focus on strict rules, obedience, and discipline.
Authoritarian parents take over the decision-making power, rarely giving children any input in the matter.
When it comes to rules, you believe it’s “my way or the highway.”
Permissive Parenting
Often referred to as ‘soft parenting’ or ‘yes mums/dads’.
Permissive parents are lenient, only stepping in when there’s a serious problem.
They’re quite forgiving and they adopt an attitude of “kids will be kids.”
Oftentimes they act more like friends than authoritative figures.
Authoritative Parenting
Authoritative parents provide their children with rules and boundaries, but they also give them the freedom to make decisions.
With an authoritative parenting style, parents validate their children’s feelings while also making it clear that the adults are ultimately in charge.
They use positive reinforcement techniques, like praise and reward systems, as opposed to harsh punishments.
Neglectful or Uninvolved Parenting
Essentially, neglectful parents ignore their children, who receive little guidance, nurturing, and parental attention.
They don’t set rules or expectations, and they tend to have minimal knowledge about what their children are doing.
Uninvolved parents expect children to raise themselves. They don’t devote much time or energy to meeting children’s basic needs.
Uninvolved parents may be neglectful but it’s not always intentional. A parent with mental health issues or substance abuse problems, for example, may not be able to care for a child’s physical or emotional needs consistently.