Flirting With a Foreigner
Older and more mature now, in matters of the heart I have come to the same conclusion as Dave Barry, who said “never again will I underestimate the persuasive power of a woman with legal training and big tits.” If love is the spice of life, flirting is the syrup, or better yet, the Caesar salad dressing, or roast chicken breasts, or grilled sea bass with wedge potatoes. Maybe my doctor is right, there are two things I shouldn’t do when I’m hungry: go to the supermarket and write.
Be that as it may, in summer we move from our natural habitat. And just as the swallow mates with the swallow wherever nature calls, no matter how far from its nest it may be, men are stunned by the exotic beauty of girls from other latitudes, and do whatever it takes to pick them up. Okay, flirting and mating are not synonyms, or at least, they shouldn’t be.
For some strange reason, men, upon observing young ladies on vacation abroad, assume that they’re dying to party, drink, and flirt. The obstacles men encounter in that critical moment of love are threefold: language, cultural differences, and the six-foot-four dude on the girl’s arm.
Flirting In French
In French “I love you” is Je t’aime, but it’s too soon for you to say that to a French woman. Besides, like all Gallicisms, it sounds like you’re going to be leading a float at Gay Pride. But if you love a French girl you should speak to her in French, so you can try tu es la plus belle des fleurs des champs (you are the prettiest of the flowers of the field). Tell her and either she runs away, or she smiles; and, if a Frenchwoman smiles at you, French love knows no bounds. Look at Macron, he married his grandmother.
Flirting In German
Almost all German is just like your own language, but shouting, dropping consonants as if you were clearing your throat, gesticulating like Hitler, and accentuating vowels as if you had just consumed the cannibal drug. The bad thing about German women is that, if they have to choose between saving a kitten’s life or yours, you’re dead.
Flirting in Albanian
If for some strange circumstance you need to pick up an Albanian woman, tell her Te dua. I don’t know what the hell it means, but if it’s something bad I’m sure her husband will explain it to you with the help of one of those Kalashnikovs that every good Albanian keeps in the attic.
Flirting on the Highway
The ultimate place to flirt when language is an insurmountable barrier is the car. From your car you can just look at her and smile, and that — I think — is a universal language. If you’re going to do it alone, check first that the girl you want to pick up is in her own car and not driving a police van. It’s happened to me. Spoiler: they’re sick to death of the “hey, officer, could you handcuff me?” joke.
Flirting in Italian
I love Italian women, but they are not as easy to conquer as you might think. Among other things because I’m told that one of their favorite compliments is sei una ragazza di acqua e sapone, which means “you are a girl of water and soap.” Careful. Say this only if she’s Italian, and I mean very Italian (it’s not enough for her to look like Laura Pausini). If she’s German, for example, she’ll think you’re telling her she smells bad, and if a German girl slaps you, you could end up flying around the world and be back to square one in a matter of seconds. And then she’ll slap you again.
Flirting in a Pub
The universal pub language is dancing. Try not to speak that language if you are not sure you master it. If she seems up for it and she is Latin American, buy her a drink. But be careful, if she is European, especially if she is Nordic, as she could be one of those half-crazed feminists who think that a man buying them a drink is micromachismo.
They bark, but they drink the drink. If you’re not sure of the girl’s country of origin, don’t leave your drink alone, you might get roofied and next thing you know you’ve woken up chained to a bed, surrounded by tattooed gang members with butterfly knives, in some clandestine basement on the outskirts of town, hidden under a marijuana plantation.
Flirting in Spanish From Spain
If you want to flirt in my native language with a Spanish woman say eres preciosa (you are beautiful). It won’t work, but they usually find it funny when you try to speak their language while tripping on the R’s. Maybe she’ll fall in love with you out of pity. Every little bit helps. Spanish girls kiss with real passion, but only with foreigners, so I speak from hearsay. My country is strange. The girls are very pretty, but the ones under 40 listen to shitty music and move their asses way too much when they dance.
Flirting in Thai
Thai women are very beautiful. If you want to tell her that you love them try pronouncing C̄hạn rạk khuṇ. My advice is don’t say it in the plural when you’re with several of them or you’ll be taken for a sex tourist. And, by the way, before you propose, check that the frying pan has no handle. I have been told by my informants that over there gender is not fluid, but gaseous.
Flirting in Swahili
You need to speak Swahili if you’re going to pick up girls in Somalia, Congo, Rwanda, Burundi, Tanzania, and places like that. They’re not the best places in the world to fall in love, but if you can’t help yourself, walk up to a girl and say Bia tafadhali. This means you want a beer and it’s going to be cheaper than saying “I love you” to a random girl in a part of the world where most guys have a lot of wives, little patience, and are usually armed with military weaponry imported by the government with the clever blessing of the UN, and subsequently passed on to the black market, no pun intended.
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