Stop Taking First Dates So Seriously

I have been privy to hundreds of first date stories, from the joyful first pangs of connection to the utter dread of a downer date. Clients of mine over the years have expressed how all they want is to have fun and engaging first dates, regardless of what happens between them and the other person. In fact, many of them have never had a single positive first date experience.

Recently, however, after a string of tense first dates where several men either talked about their exes or conducted the conversation like a meeting, one of my clients said “We all need to stop taking first dates so seriously!” She may have been on to something profound there.

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First dates are an essential, but decidedly unserious part of dating. In fact, that’s the beauty of first dates: you get to enjoy learning about someone new without any of the demands of a relationship yet. They are testing grounds for a spark—not a guarantee of anything more than what they are. The purpose of a first date is to see if there is anything of interest between you and your date, but the seriousness of it all can get in the way of this very simple objective.

It feels like a universal desire that first dates feel easy and enjoyable. But because this desire also comes with an incredible amount of pressure (because, who knows—maybe it be could the start of a potential relationship), so many people feel like they’re failing at first dates, and falling into formulaic and stiff encounters. There’s an air of seriousness or anxiety to the date that makes it difficult to open up, flirt, and see if there’s a connection. It’s hard to have fun when you’re worried about sweating into your drink, for instance. First date nerves are common, but they don’t have to dominate the evening. Verbally acknowledging the nerves or anxiety can bring the levels of these feelings down a bit and could inspire connection with a date, who is also likely to be experiencing first-date jitters no matter how calm and collected they seem.

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First dates are also not, contrary to popular belief, job interviews. For instance, one client shared with me that her date whipped out a print-out of “50 First Date Questions To Ask” and insisted they run down the entire list together. While questions help you get to know someone, moving an interaction from a conversation to an inquisition doesn’t set the mood for romance. There’s a give and take to conversation, and that banter is a dance that can make or break a date.

On the flipside, another common complaint I hear about first dates is that the date didn’t ask any questions at all. Not asking questions inhibits flirty banter and makes your date do all of the conversational heavy lifting. It also sends a strong signal that you’re not really interested in your date or being there, even if you’re having a good time. In the interest of keeping things light, asking how your date likes the place you picked or basic biographical information like where they grew up, and following up on anything about them that stood out, like interests or hobbies you have in common, could be great conversation starters. Tailored questions can spark connection and conversation that keeps you both engaged and enjoying yourselves.

There are a million different ways that first dates fizzle or are just plain annoying. It’s easy to go down a rabbit hole of how awful first dates can be, and there are plenty of examples all over the internet. It can make you forget that first dates are supposed to be lighthearted and casual opportunities for two people to meet and try to find common ground. There is no one-size-fits-all approach to having a good first date. The best first dates are those that take into account the needs and interests of everyone involved.

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Time and time again, I hear about how awkward first dates can be—and those people are right! It is an awkward experience, until it’s not and you get to know the other person. There is a certain amount of discomfort that we all go through when trying to find a potential partner. It’s, therefore, important to consider how you’d want to feel in your next relationship, so that you can get an indication from your date that there’s something worth pursuing. It’s also vital to note that not all mediocre first dates are a sign that there isn’t a connection. That elusive “spark” that most daters want to feel is something that can evolve over time.

Going on first dates with the expectation that anything can happen—and that the main goal is just to meet with a new person—can increase how much fun you have on a date. People who can acknowledge the stress that first dates create, stay open to the unique person in front of them, and take things less seriously will enjoy themselves more. There’s nothing on the line yet, so relax and just have a fun, weird time.

Because here’s the truth: No one has enough information before a first date to decide whether their date will be someone in their life long-term. That’s what dating is for.