The Mom Who Expected Her Baby’s Father to Leave His Wife

Because no two paths to parenthood look the same, “How I Got This Baby” is a series that invites parents to share their stories.

On the outside, Olivia had an idyllic, carefree life. Her boyfriend of eight years, Tom, whom she met on OKCupid, made good money as the CFO of a drug-rehab facility, while Olivia, then 40, had paused a career in nursing to be a massage therapist in one of Houston’s many private poker rooms. The poker scene is big in Houston, and Olivia found that giving chair massages to players was easy money. 

They lived together in a nice house that Olivia designed herself, down to the kitchen backsplash. But whenever Olivia brought up getting engaged, Tom would say that he wanted to reach a higher tax bracket first. He also wouldn’t discuss having kids, which frustrated Olivia. She had always wanted to be a mom. 

The state of their sex life didn’t help matters. “He was working all the time. When I would initiate, I would get shot down. We became roommates and I hated it,” Olivia says. A few years earlier, Tom confessed to Olivia that he was dealing with impotence. She encouraged him to see a doctor, who prescribed medication, but they never talked about it again. 

Although Olivia was bored and frustrated by their relationship, she also relied on Tom as her only support system. Her mother had passed away. Her father was very ill. One of her brothers had moved to Colorado, and the other was in prison. So she put up with a lot from Tom, even though he could be controlling. He nagged her to stick to a strict keto diet and a four-day-a-week gym regimen. He was also embarrassed by her line of work and insisted that she tell his friends and colleagues that she “worked in the medical field” instead. 

So in 2020, when one of the regulars at the poker room — a tall, middle-age bald guy named Nicky — became extra chatty with Olivia, she welcomed his attention. Olivia recounts what happened next. 

On the first sparks with Nicky

In the poker room, everybody’s friendly and talks with each other, and you get to know a lot about people. I knew Nicky as a guy who was miserable in his marriage. He was 53 and had been married for 25 years and had three adult kids. He was always complaining to anyone around that he and his wife were on the brink of divorce.

I worked the day shift at the poker room. Most people who play poker at that time have satellite jobs, work from home, or work while they’re playing. Nicky was an executive for an alarm-system company and worked remotely, so I saw him at the poker room about four days a week.

One day in December, Nicky and I were casually talking about Christmas coming up and how he was probably going to get Hanes underwear from his wife. I told him, “I’d rather have sex once a week for a year than a $400 mixer, which is what I’ll probably get for Christmas.” Then Nicky asked, “Do you find me attractive?” I’d never looked at him that way. Plus, he always wore a hat and sunglasses, like a lot of poker players, so I didn’t know what his full face looked like. So I said, “I guess, but I’ve never really seen your face.” He took off his hat and his glasses and I said, “Maybe.” But in my mind, he was off-limits. After all, he was married and I was in a relationship.

I didn’t know then that for years, Nicky had been telling everyone in the poker room that he had a huge crush on me. He would even say that he would leave his wife just for the opportunity to ask me out.

On beginning an emotional affair

One day in January, Nicky asked me to meet up with him at the Waffle House when I was done with work. At this point, I was really checked out of my relationship with Tom and just going through the motions. So I said, “Sure, let’s meet.” When I pulled into the parking lot, Nicky hopped into my car and we talked for a while. I let him kiss me on the cheek, immediately thinking, Oh, no, this is bad. I’m going to get so attached to this man and have to leave my boyfriend.

Then we started chatting regularly over Facebook Messenger. We met up a few more times, though I wouldn’t let him kiss me. I told him, “You really need to think about this. If we have an emotional relationship and make it physical, how are you going to stay with your wife? How am I going to stay with Tom? This isn’t going to work out realistically.” But ke kept trying to make a move on me.

On her deteriorating relationship at home

One day, I found a pill in the house and I knew it wasn’t mine, so I asked Tom what it was. He said it was a pill for his impotence. I asked, “Well, does it work?” He said, “Yeah, it works.” We hadn’t had sex in three months, so I assumed that he was either using the pills by himself or with somebody else. And what were the odds that he was using this by himself?

A short while after that, I found a penis pump in a drawer of sex toys we had. It was strange because, first of all, I’d never seen a penis pump. Secondly, he’s not a small man. He didn’t need, in my opinion, a pump. Maybe he got it to help with the impotence? I wasn’t sure, but I knew we weren’t using it together. When I asked him, “Why do you have this?,” he got very hostile. He said, “That’s mine. Leave it alone.” I chalked it up to him being embarrassed, but I also wondered, Is he masturbating and using this?I was confused, though not confused enough to care. I had already started talking to Nicky at this point.

On kissing Nicky for the first time

On Valentine’s Day, I received an Edible Arrangement at work. I was about to call Tom to thank him when I saw the message on the card that said, “From your secret admirer.” That’s when Nicky came over and said, “That’s from me.” I told him, “This is getting too far. You’re married. Everyone knows you have a crush on me, and you’re not keeping it a secret.” Tom had a friend who worked in the poker room, so I was concerned that he was going to tell Tom that I was flirting with some guy. Men gossip way more than women, and the talk around the poker room was all about “Olivia and Nicky,” “Nicky and Olivia.” I’ll admit, it was exciting and fun to have this element of, We could get caught. But I also felt, This is just bad. I’ve been in a relationship for eight years, and he is supposed to be my person. I am going to grow old with him.

But at the same time, I liked the attention from Nicky. So I said, “Hey, I’m going to go get my nails done after work. Why don’t you come?” That was a thing that Nicky and I had started doing. When I would get my nails done at the salon, he would come sit in the chair next to me and talk while I got my pedicure.

This time, he paid for my nails, we walked out to the parking lot, and we kissed. That was our first kiss, our first anything. Everything spiraled from there.

On her relationship with Nicky progressing

We were both excited to have attention from someone else, but we had to be strategic in how we communicated. Nicky and I had a lot of long conversations while I walked the dog or on my drive to or from the gym. When he texted me a blank message, I knew that meant he was available to talk. If Tom was around, I would delete the message. If he wasn’t around, I would text Nicky back.

Sometimes I would only have a spare 30-minute window to meet him after I got out of work. Most of the time, we met in the back of this one parking lot between my work and my house, which was only a five-minute drive from the poker room. The spot was kind of secluded, and we both had tinted windows in our cars. We would talk and then those talks would become more physical, though we still hadn’t had sex.

On having sex with Nicky for the first time

In the midst of this all, my dad died after a 15-year battle with Parkinson’s. I went through a lot of emotions watching his health decline over the years and with my mom passing. When he died, I was almost numb. I told the poker room that I needed a couple of days off, but I decided not to tell Tom that I wasn’t going to work. Instead, I spent the day after my dad died with Nicky.

Nicky paid cash for a hotel room. I picked up Mexican food and we ate and then basically had sex all afternoon.

Before anything happened, I said, “Look, I’m not on birth control. I’ve never been pregnant. But if I get pregnant, I’m probably going to keep the baby. I’ve always wanted to be a mom.” He replied, “I’ve always wanted a girl.” That was his immediate response, not, “Let me get a condom. Let’s think about this. Let’s slow things down.”

I was really in a fragile emotional state, to be honest. And that’s probably the main reason why I cheated. But I remember thinking to myself, I could be with this man. I could totally see myself being with him.

On the affair intensifying

Nicky and I started trying to see each other and talk all the time. He would get massages at the poker room to be close to me. Sometimes he would get two a day and tip me $100.

If I had an hour, I would try to leave work early to see him at a hotel. Since he didn’t want any evidence on his credit card, he would pay cash for these nasty hotel rooms where I didn’t even want to sit on the chairs. I would put a timer on my phone so I knew when I needed to go home. I would put towels over the comforter. I’ve never, ever done that before. It felt trashy.
But Nicky was starting to plan our future together. He would tell me, “I’m going to leave my wife, and you should leave Tom. We can both get separate places if you want. And then in about a year, we can move in together.” He was planting seeds in my head that we could be together one day.

But I was also trying to be realistic. I said, “Once you’re out of a 25-year marriage, you’re going to want to see other people. You’re going to want freedom.” He said, “No, I know what I want. I want you.”

I also told him that I didn’t know if we had enough in common. What I really meant by that was, You’re a poker addict and I don’t know if I want to deal with you spending money gambling and having problems with debt.
Still, as soon as Nicky divorced his wife, I planned to leave my boyfriend to be with him.

On fighting with Tom

My dad’s funeral was April 1, and it was a four-hour drive from our home. Tom came with me, but he worked the entire time from the car and then wouldn’t let me go to my family’s meetup at my grandmother’s afterwards. So I literally grabbed my dad’s ashes from my aunt outside. I couldn’t even go in the house because he wanted to get back home.

Once we walked through our front door, he laid into me about how ungrateful I am and how he’s never going to take me anywhere again. He seemed angry because the funeral took him away from work. I was confused; I wondered, Does he somehow know that I’m cheating?
I packed a bag and told him I was leaving, but then we talked and he convinced me to stay. As soon as I put my bag down, though, he went right back to his work. I was like, Why am I here? It was like he was checking a box. Oh, get a beautiful woman to be with for the rest of your life. Check. I was his check mark and that was it.

On realizing she was pregnant

I was going to go on a girls’ trip with a friend from work. As we were planning the details, she said, “I’m probably going to be on my period when we go camping.” And I said, “Oh, I just might be on mine as well. I’m late.” She goes, “Wait, you’re late?” I said, “Yeah, I have an app on my phone that keeps track.” Then she says, “Could you be pregnant?” I just said, “Oh, shit.”
We were at the poker room, and Nicky was outside. I found him and said, “Hey, I’m late.” He got super excited by the idea that I could be pregnant.
I was only two days late, so I decided I would wait a bit to take a test. Five days later, I went from the checkout counter at Walgreens to the drugstore’s restroom because I couldn’t take the test at home.

Within three minutes, the test showed that I was pregnant. I wasn’t sad or mad. I wasn’t super excited. It was almost like, Well, of course I am. I’m late. I had sex with somebody who actually can get me pregnant. It made sense. I wasn’t drinking, smoking, or partying. I was working out and I’m very healthy. I slept with a man. Three weeks later, I was pregnant.

On buying abortion pills

I was guarded with my feelings. In a way, I was hopeful. But also the truth was setting in: With this pregnancy would come so much other drama. It was a lot to take in.

I went online and bought abortion pills. Living in Texas, my obstetrician couldn’t talk to me about an abortion. But she did confirm that I could buy pills online that would be similar to what you would get in a clinic. She said, “If you order them, I cannot talk to you about it.” I looked into possibly going to New Mexico or Colorado to have an abortion. I decided that I needed to make the decision before 12 weeks.

On telling Nicky she was pregnant

I met up with Nicky at the bar of a steakhouse and told him. He was wall-faced, just dead. But then he got really excited and was talking about us being together and how we should get married.

I was like, “You can’t get married to me if you’re still married.” He had this pie-in-the-sky, bubblegum idea that life was going to be great. I was sitting there watching him, thinking, This man is totally lying to my face or delusional, one or the other. But I was also in this kind of haze, like, Okay, he might leave. We might be able to be together. But I knew he had a life with this woman. His youngest son lived with them. They had dogs. He had a joint account.

I mentioned the abortion pills. He said, “I am not going to try and persuade you one way or another. You decide and then you tell me what decision you’ve made. I’m not going to get excited.”

On deciding to keep the baby

I had several conversations with my brother. “You don’t want to be like Mom,” he told me. I’m the youngest of five kids with four different dads. My mom’s pregnancy with my brother was similar to mine. She was working in a steakhouse and my brother’s dad was a return customer who kept asking her out. He wanted me to have an abortion because he thought Nicky would never leave his wife.

I also reached out to my girlfriends who told me their miscarriage and abortion stories. Those stories really touched me. They all said something like, “I’ve always wondered what would’ve happened if I hadn’t had the abortion, if I would have kept the child.”

I talked to my Aunt Jean, my dad’s sister, and told her that I had ordered abortion pills. She’s a Christian, goes to church regularly and has a very strong faith. I looked up to her a lot. She said, “You’ve always wanted to be a mom, Olivia. You told me that you were considering fostering or adopting a few years ago. Your story isn’t that rare. It’s actually very common. Babies are conceived in so many different ways, and you would not even believe how many babies are conceived from affairs.”

I consider myself spiritual with a lot of faith in a higher power, and I was starting to feel like this pregnancy was something that came to me. This was an opportunity to have a whole new life. It was almost as if the universe or God had sent me this new life after so much loss and sadness.

I decided at 11 weeks, five days pregnant that I was going to keep the baby.

On telling Nicky she was keeping the baby

I met up with him at a restaurant. I had written down what I wanted to say ahead of time. I told him, “I’ve decided to keep the baby whether you’re going to be around or not.” And he said, “Maybe we should just elope or something.”

It was interesting — the way his eyes looked. It was like his mind was transitioning in a way: This isn’t my little side piece anymore; this is going to be 18 years of child support.

He wanted to find out the sex of the baby right away. He has boys, and he’s always wanted a girl. Meanwhile, I didn’t want to know the sex because I didn’t want him to treat me or the baby differently.

On ending her relationship with Tom

A few days later, I broke up with Tom and moved out. At first I didn’t tell him that I was pregnant or that I’d had an affair. I just said, “This relationship isn’t working.”

I moved into my friend’s house with her family and lived in their spare bedroom for six weeks.

Tom was texting me nice messages. I think he was thinking we’d get back together, because that’s how it went after we broke up the other times. I didn’t want him to find out the truth through a friend or social media, so I decided to come clean and tell him I had an affair and that I was pregnant. He hated me after that.

On Nicky’s wife learning about the affair

Around the same time, Nicky told his wife that he had had a one-night stand. She said to him, “What if she gets pregnant?” He replied, “She’s not going to get pregnant.” But I was already pregnant, and he knew it.
A few weeks later, he told his wife that I was pregnant. She looked at the phone records and realized how much we were actually talking — that it was an ongoing affair. She punched a wall and broke her hand that night. Nicky asked me to meet him at a bar and told me about it. He was in a daze, saying, “She’s probably going to leave me.”

We ended up having sex in the back seat of my car.

I think we both just wanted to have sex. We were very attracted to each other and needed to blow off steam. I didn’t think it necessarily meant that he would leave his wife. The stronger possibility was that she might leave him and then there would be an opportunity for us to be together.

We spent a few other nights together that summer. His wife went to stay with her mom, and we went to a strip club and hung out all night and then got a hotel room and stayed the night. But he left at 4 a.m. because he said he had to feed the dogs. Maybe he was lying to his wife and told her that he was playing poker.

On getting a paternity test

At around 16 weeks, I decided to get a paternity test. I had read somewhere that sperm can live in the birth canal for weeks, and I had had sex with Tom about three weeks before I got pregnant. It was a long shot, but I wanted to be certain. Nicky didn’t want to do it. He was confident it was his baby. The results proved he was right. It cost me $950.

On trying to have a happy, normal pregnancy

I was an emotional wreck the first three months.

My aunt brought up the possibility that Nicky and his wife could fight for custody of the baby, and then that became a big fear of mine. I had panic attacks — crying and freaking out — about it. I tried to reach out to his wife to talk to her about co-parenting, but she did not want to meet me. I was confused as to whether they were really going to get a divorce.

I also had issues with work. After I was about four months along, people at work began finding out that I was pregnant, and I started gaining weight. In the poker room, the way you look has a lot to do with how much money you make as a massage therapist or a server. So with me being pregnant, not as many people were coming to me for a massage.

But I felt that this baby deserved to have everything that a planned child deserves and tried to stay upbeat. I wrote letters to my family and let them know a brief version of what happened — my eight-year relationship with Tom ended, and then I got pregnant.

At 20 weeks along, I had a gender-reveal party, and Nicky came, but no one from his side of the family came. But he got his wish for a girl. Then at 30 weeks, I had a huge baby shower. Nicky came for an hour to help set up but then left, since the party was mostly women aside from one of my best male friends. Again, no one from his side was there.

Anytime I brought up buying things for the baby or setting up a college fund, Nicky would change the subject. We did talk about baby names a little. Then I sent him an app so we could go through names, but he didn’t participate. Nicky did go to a lot of the OB appointments, though, and he visited about twice a week. And he helped me move three times. The last place was an apartment of my own.

On giving birth

Nicky’s wife had told him that if he was going to be at the birth, then she should be there too. I did not want her there, so I put all these parameters in place when I went into the hospital. My name was to be hidden from visitors, and you would need to know a code before you could enter my room. I gave the staff the name of Nicky’s wife and told them she was not allowed to come into my room.

I also texted Nicky, thinking he would come to the labor. I guess I had this naïve hope that he would come.

My labor lasted about 18 hours. The baby had a shoulder dystocia — meaning her shoulder got stuck on my pelvic bone on the way out. At that moment, it felt like ten people jumped on top of me and were pushing on me. I was pinned down. It was a very traumatizing experience that I’ve not forgotten. One of my doulas said, “Don’t worry. This happened with my daughter. They’re going to get her out. Just calm down. Just do your breathing.” It was really helpful to have her by my side telling me this was common and everything was going to be okay. Then one of the nurses literally pushed the baby out of me through my abdomen.

When they put the baby on me, I was shaking so badly and she didn’t make any noise. I was so scared that she wasn’t crying. I was like, “Take her.” They checked her and cleaned her up and thankfully, she was fine. It was amazing. It was like all the emotions I’ve ever had in my life all at once. Her face was red and just beautiful. She looked back at me. Her eyes looked like my grandmother’s.

On her hospital stay

After I was transferred to my room, somehow Nicky walked right in, even with all those security measures in place. Apparently, the paperwork hadn’t come downstairs yet, and he got in without a code. I had the baby at 4:10 a.m., and he showed up about four hours later. He didn’t call or text. He said, “I’m so proud of you.” It was really off-putting. It felt as if he was talking down to me. I was thinking, I just pushed out an eight-pound baby by myself and cut her umbilical cord. And you’re proud of me? Fuck off. That’s what I wanted to tell him, but I didn’t. Instead I handed him the baby and we discussed baby names. We decided on June.

June had jaundice, so we stayed an extra day for that. Then because they knew I was single and didn’t have anyone to go home to, they said I could stay another day to recuperate.

On navigating single motherhood

After the baby was born, Nicky’s visits dropped to about once a week. Sometimes it seemed like he was happy to see June, and then sometimes it seemed like it was a bother. I think when he saw her, it became, Oh, this is real. I really made a baby.

In April, we had a huge fight. Because Nicky smokes and dips tobacco, we had an agreement that when he came over, he had to wash his hands and change into a shirt that I provided for him. That day, he held June for ten minutes. When she started crying, he gave her back to me. That’s when I noticed that her head smelled like dip. I got so frustrated. I said, “She deserves better than this, and you should want better for her. You’re 53 years old. You are putting what you think you deserve over this child who can’t make any decisions.” Then he cussed me out and left.

A few hours later, he asked me if I wanted to go to lunch. That’s how he tries to make up after fights. Since I was no longer working and burning through my savings and he had yet to offer any financial assistance, I agreed to a free meal.

After lunch, we had a conversation in the car while I was nursing June. I said, “There’s got to be some sort of financial responsibility on your end because I’m using my savings to survive.” The only time I had received money from Nicky was when he gave me $200 cash when I was three months pregnant. He hadn’t contributed to the baby shower or the gender reveal. The only things he had gotten for the baby were two boxes of diapers and a few outfits I had forced him to buy for her at Walmart. A few times he told me he would Venmo me money for the paternity test or half my rent, but that never happened.

In the car, he told me that giving me money would be contingent on him getting standard visitation. Then he got out of the car and left. I stopped initiating communication with him after that day, though he has called and texted several times.

On her battle for child support

Nicky has become such a different person. He doesn’t care that I could lose my apartment. I can’t afford my bills. I’ve been home with June for six months and can’t find a job right now. Maybe he and his wife think I have more money than I actually do. Or maybe they think, She’s going to get 20 percent through child support eventually, so what’s it matter? I don’t have family and I can’t afford a babysitter, so I need help.

In Texas, when you’re not with the child’s father, you can apply for child support through the attorney general’s office. If approved, they will debit the father’s work checks to pay for child support. But at the meeting with the attorney general, Nicky said he wanted standard custody, which in Texas means that the father is granted overnight visits at 6 months old. I’m not comfortable with that, nor am I comfortable with a lot of the standard-custody visitation, because he hasn’t shown that he actually wants to be consistently involved in June’s life. I’m afraid that he’s not going to come pick her up. Also, having standard custody would mean he has to pay less in child support.

During the meeting, Nicky was very hostile. He even yelled, “She’s my daughter.” And I was like, “Well, correction, she’s our daughter.”

Since that meeting, he has only seen June twice. Last week, I took her to see him, and he just got in the car and talked to me for ten minutes about a fight he had with his wife. He showed me his wife’s wedding ring and said, “She threw her ring on the ground and said, ‘Fuck it, let’s sell the house.’” I just said, “Oh, okay.” He promised he was going to come over the next day, but he didn’t show up. That’s pretty much been par for the course.

Recently, I hired an attorney. I’m going to try to get the back pay of child support, some money for medical bills, and even half the cost of the paternity test. I’m also planning to write up how I want the custody arrangement to be. Ideally, he would agree to three hours a day, three days a week, so that June can get to know him, and then maybe I could have time to earn some income. The lawyer said that if we can agree on temporary orders, I could get child support soon — weeks or months from now — even if the court hasn’t signed off yet. Permanent orders could take six months or longer. I’m grasping at straws right now on how I’m going to make ends meet until that happens.

My friend gave me some advice. He said, “Quit trying to make an effort to have a relationship with him. You’re just going to be disappointed.” Taking care of June by myself is overwhelming and exhausting, but some friends have told me that I’m lucky to be single. They say their husbands didn’t help at all and were actually a detriment.

On her future with Nicky and June

In the moment, some of my affair with Nicky felt magical. But looking back, I’m like, I was like a ho. I was hoeing it out in the parking lot, acting like I was in high school.

If Nicky got a divorce, I honestly don’t know how I would feel. My emotions are everywhere. He preyed on me in emotionally fragile moments in my life. I mean, we slept together the day after my dad died.

During Hurricane Beryl last month, June and I had to evacuate Houston. When we were traveling back after the storm, I had a long conversation with Nicky on the phone. He told me that his wife stopped talking to him because he expressed concern about the baby and me during the hurricane. He also said he was still interested in a relationship with me. I started feeling hope again. But then a few days later, he came over and there was no emotion at all. It’s just this cycle of disappointment.

I want June to have a dad, and I want her to have strong male role models that she can depend on. But more than that, I want her to have a safe, happy life. That might mean that Nicky is not in her life, because it’s not safe or she’s not happy. I want to do everything right by her, not what’s best for me or best for him — but what’s best for her.

I still have that exact $200 he gave me when I was pregnant. It’s in a little box for June. I’ll probably give it to her when she turns 18 to let her know what her daddy did for her when she was little.

The names of all subjects have been changed to protect their identities.