What Is Kamala Harris' Plan to Stop Democratic Men From Wearing These Ugly Shoes?

After four long days and nights in Chicago for the once-every-four-years Stanford psychology experiment known as the “Democratic National Convention,” I leave with many pressing questions about our nation’s political future. One of them—perhaps not the most pressing, but definitely somewhere up there—is: Why was every man at the DNC wearing the same ugly shoes?? Are they dress shoes? Are they sneakers? Most importantly: Was there absolutely nothing else you could have put on your feet instead—the emptied out tissue boxes Kevin Malone wears to Pam and Jim’s wedding in The Office, perhaps?

I think you already know the shoes I’m talking about—they’re typically leathery (sometimes suede), and range in color from black to dark brown or a funky gray, if you're nasty. From some angles, they look semi-professional, but that vibe is immediately killed by their styrofoam-y platform sole. On the off-chance you’ve been marked safe from ever working near finance bros or on Capitol Hill, I took many a photo, though some were admittedly snapped at varying afterparties and aren’t of the highest quality. Other photos were snapped at the convention center while I was attempting to be subtle and sneaky and pretending to be taking pics of Kamala Harris merch—they aren’t of the highest quality either! In any case, have a look:

And, if those don’t give you a good enough idea, here’s what Google shows when you search, “what do you call dress shoes that are half sneakers?”

I know making fun of people’s fashion choices is mean or whatever, but if Democrats have abandoned “when they go low, we go high,” I think I have permission to do the same. I get that Democratic staffers are probably on their feet a lot, and I’m not exactly one for strict professional attire mandates. But some things are just… ugly! In the name of comfort, I’d frankly prefer for these dudes to just wear Birkenstocks or regular sneakers or even those orthopedic sandals my mom wears and keeps trying to sicc on me. And, yes, I give myself permission to comment on what men should or shouldn’t wear after years of them doing that to me!

I am not the only one whose heart is full of hate toward the men’s fashion situation at the DNC. As Semafor’s Max Tani described in agonizing detail to GQ this week (emphasis mine):

Not to state the obvious, but it's probably collectively one of the worst-dressed large groups of people that you could possibly imagine. You're combining two famously not particularly well-dressed groups of people and you're putting them together, which is political staffers and journalists. If there are dominant style trends, they are the worst style trends that have defined professional dressing for the last 15 years or so. You've got the casual bad dress, which is a plaid or checkered long-sleeve button-down shirt, untucked with tapered slim-fit jeans and Allbirds. That type of guy is here in large quantities. Then you have the guys who are trying to do business casual in a pretty poorly executed manner, which is slim-to-skinny-fit jeans with a suit jacket on top and some dress sneakers or chunky-soled sneakers. And then you have your standard political staffer [wearing] like Ludlow J.Crew suits and big pointy dress shoes—navy suits and brown dress shoes. It's bleak.

There’s no need for me to make any of this political. I can just dislike ugly shoes for no real reason. But just because I’m feeling a little extra spicy today, I can’t help but draw comparisons to just how much physical discomfort women are expected to shoulder when it comes to professional attire. (Frankly, all-occasion attire!) In response to being slightly uncomfortable in just one part of their lives—nice-looking shoes to important events—of course men invent the ugliest fucking shoes ever unleashed on the world. And then they all just…wear them. Out in public. 

What is Kamala Harris and Tim Walz’s plan to ensure I never have to see these shoes again???

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