Iran threatens Israel with 'Updog' weapon
TEHRAN, IRAN — In a dramatic and cryptic announcement, Iran’s government has declared the imminent deployment of a secret offensive weapon named "Updog" against Israel. The proclamation, made during a press conference in Tehran, was laced with bombastic rhetoric.
"This is not just a weapon; it is a force of reckoning," an Iranian spokesman told reporters. "Updog will descend upon our enemies like the hand of justice itself, and the Zionist regime will crumble under its weight."
Iran, however, has remained tight-lipped on the exact nature of this new threat.
"Let the world tremble in anticipation," the spokesperson continued. "They will not know when or how it will strike, but mark my words, Updog is coming."
In Israel, the announcement was met with a mix of urgency and skepticism. Emergency security meetings were held, with top military officials and intelligence experts analyzing the potential threat. According to sources, Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, in a confidential discussion with Mossad Director David Barnea, gravely asked, "What’s Updog?"
The director, caught off guard, hesitated before replying, "Not much, what’s up with you?" Israeli intelligence officials have been clearly befuddled by the announcement of the new weapon.
“Seriously, if you have any information, we need to know. What the hell is Updog?” Barnea asked all of the intelligence agency’s analysts in an email yesterday. Barnea received hundreds of responses, including “nothing really,” “my blood pressure,” and PowerPoint slides detailing operations in the Gaza Strip.
Meanwhile, the threat's veiled nature has sent shockwaves through the international community, with intelligence agencies around the world using back channels to ask each other what "Updog" actually is.
Mr. Scorpio is a contributing writer for DB who might work with you. I’m in the cubicle next to you, look over at me. See, I'm waving. Follow them on Twitter @_MrScorpio for SWO hateposts and other dumb Navy content.