Trump criticized for 'sneaking in a quick nine' at Arlington National Cemetery
ARLINGTON, Va. — Uproar over former president Donald Trump’s recent campaign stop at Arlington National Cemetery has escalated following reports that he was seen “sneaking in a quick nine holes” of golf on the hallowed cemetery grounds.
“This place is beautiful,” Trump declared for campaign cameramen as he jammed a tee into the soft earth of the plot of one of America’s honored dead and placed his golf ball on it.
“Arkham Cemetery is where we come to remember American heroes, like those we lost in Afghanistan, and me after winning the last Trump golf tournament. We’re truly amazing,” Trump said. He then swung his club, and the ball lurched forward, sliced to the right, and impacted the headstone of a Medal of Honor recipient.
“He should have gotten the much better Presidential Medal of Freedom,” quipped Trump solemnly. The president later took a mulligan after his ball hit a caisson horse during a funeral ceremony, according to campaign officials.
Nicknamed by his campaign staff as the “Suckers and Losers Classic,” Trump’s tour across the site was momentarily delayed when an Arlington Cemetery official tried to stop Trump as he was in mid-swing. After a brief discussion and a surprise sucker punch, the procession carried on.
“It’s very important that, during an election year, we pause to remember those we lost leaving Afghanistan,” said Trump caddy Mike Flynn. “We stop between each swing to see which grave President Trump’s ball has landed on to remember and to take a crap-load of pictures.”
“Where’s McCain?” Trump asked. “I want to make a chip shot off his headstone.”
When asked why Trump never bothered to remember those lost during the evacuation of Afghanistan over the previous three years, senior advisor Steven Miller pushed back.
“President Trump simply wanted to pay his respects to America’s fallen,” said Miller. “He loves veterans and prime real estate and almost certainly isn’t sizing up how to transform Arlington into a new golf resort. Which veterans would love if he did.”
After finishing with a stunning 27 score, Trump gave a thumbs up to the headstones and promised to return by the next election.
W.E. Linde (aka Major Crunch) writes a lot. Former military intelligence officer, amateur historian, writer/podcaster for Blowout in Damper Three.