My male friend sexually assaults me – why am I always drawn back to him?
DEAR DEIDRE: I’M in a toxic friendship with a male friend who has sexually assaulted me on several occasions, and I can’t understand why I keep being drawn back to him.
Part of me thinks I should report him to the police, but he says if I do that, he’ll kill himself.
I don’t want him to go to prison, but I need him to understand that what he’s doing is wrong.
I’m 26 and he’s 27. We’ve known each other since university days.
When we were younger he told me he wanted to be with me, but I said I wasn’t interested and just wanted to be friends.
Over the years, we’ve grown very close and often spend evenings together, drinking, or watching movies. Sometimes he stays over at my flat, on the sofa, if he gets too drunk to drive.
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But several times, I have woken up to find him touching me intimately.
When this happens, I freeze and don’t say anything. But the next day, when I confront him about it, he claims he has no memory of what happened.
A couple of times after he’s done this, I have felt so sick that I’ve stopped talking to him for weeks or even months.
But I miss his company and always end up getting friendly with him again.
It’s made more complicated by the fact that sometimes, I have agreed to kiss him, and once I gave him oral sex after he pestered me for it.
I know this situation isn’t healthy and I am so confused about what’s going on.
Please help.
MORE FROM DEAR DEIDRE
DEIDRE SAYS: This man has sexually assaulted you on many occasions.
It doesn’t matter if you’ve kissed him or given him oral sex before – which happened under duress, so you didn’t willingly consent – you were asleep and did not want this.
This isn’t your fault and you haven’t led him on. He’s a sexual predator, taking advantage of your friendship.
Threatening suicide is just more of his manipulation.
Being sexually assaulted, especially by someone you care about, can be very confusing.
It would really help for you to talk to someone about this in confidence. They can support you and advise you on going to the police.
Contact Rape Crisis (rapecrisis.org.uk, tel: 0808 500 2222) and read my sexual assault support pack.