Harriette Cole: How can I make my son care about his two college expulsions?
DEAR HARRIETTE: My son, who is in his early 20s, has been kicked out of two colleges.
The reasons for his expulsions are difficult for me to talk about, but they’ve shaken my confidence in his future. He’s always been smart, but somewhere along the way, things went off course, and now I’m not sure how to steer him back in the right direction.
As his parent, I want nothing more than for him to graduate from college, find a fulfilling career and build a stable life for himself, but with these setbacks I’m starting to fear that his opportunities are slipping away.
The idea of him getting into another college — let alone graduating — feels daunting, and I worry about how this will affect his ability to find a job in the future.
I’ve tried talking to him, but he’s become more withdrawn and defensive. He doesn’t seem to recognize the gravity of the situation, and I’m concerned that if we don’t find a way to address this now, he’ll continue down a path that will make it even harder for him to turn things around.
How can I help him rebuild his life and get back on track when it feels like everything is falling apart?
— Time To Reset
DEAR TIME TO RESET: Whatever happened — twice — to get your son kicked out of school needs to be addressed directly.
See if he will go to counseling to talk about what’s been happening in his life and why he has gotten himself into his current situation. A professional can be extremely beneficial right now.
Being a college graduate is not the only way to become successful. Rather than worrying and wondering about how to get him back into a college, talk to him about his desires for his future. What does he want to do with his life? What will he do now to earn money?
Don’t give him an out. He is an adult, and it is time for him to earn a living of some kind. You should not coddle him. Require him to find a job and begin to take responsibility for himself.
DEAR HARRIETTE: I’m a 36-year-old woman who is eager to get married, but my live-in partner doesn’t seem to be picking up on my hints.
I’ve tried dropping subtle clues and even resorted to bribing his 5-year-old son with ice cream after breakfast to ask his father why we aren’t married yet.
However, my partner continues to make excuses and avoids the topic.
I’m wondering if it’s time for me to directly ask him about marriage, or if his behavior is a sign that he may not be interested in taking that next step.
Should I gather the courage to have a candid conversation with him, or are these signs indicating that he may not be ready to commit? He is a decent man in all aspects.
— Living Together
DEAR LIVING TOGETHER: A problem many couples have these days is that they intertwine their lives before establishing an understanding of what each of them wants and what they may want together.
What did you discuss when you moved in together? Do you know his thoughts about marriage, family and the future? You absolutely should speak to him directly about what you want.
Do not be shy. Tell him you want to get married. Ask him if he wants the same. Figure out now if the two of you are on the same page or if you can get there. Otherwise, that’s your cue to exit.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.