The Best Wicked Merch for Theater Kids With Disposable Income

On November 22, former theater-camp mean girls and millennial gays will have something else to fight over when tickets are finally available for the long-awaited Wicked movie. Starring Cynthia Erivo and Ariana Grande, Universal Pictures’ adaptation of the Broadway megamusical will either be the cinematic event of the holiday season or a bloated CGI monstrosity, depending on how you felt about the trailer. But one thing Wicked definitely won’t be is a global earnings loss, if Universal’s brand-and-marketing team has anything to say about it.

Over the past few months, the company has released a truly dizzying amount of Wicked-branded merch, including dolls, eye-shadow palettes, Barbies, Squishmallows, and fuzzy pink-and-green slippers that, when viewed from a distance, make the wearer look as if they have a tropical foot disease. Even Stanley is getting in on the collab game, announcing earlier this week that it would be releasing a line of Wicked-branded tumblers.

Did anyone ask for this? It’s unclear. But for those who have wasted many an hour on the Broadway World forum, arguing over whether Eden Espinosa has a better high belt than Shoshana Bean, it’s a dream come true.

Below, we’ve rounded up some of the most gravity-defying Wicked-themed items, rated by aaahhhAAAHHHahhhAHHHs (the iconic Elphaba battle-cry riff, for the uninitiated).

Pink Goes Good with Green Candle Duo Set

This Voluspa set includes two candles: an Elphaba-themed green candle called Bewitching Banyan Forest and a pink-themed Glinda candle called Perfectly Pink Yuzu. (“Pink goes good with green” is a line from the musical and a symbol of Glinda and Elphaba’s unlikely friendship; it is also, for the purpose of Universal’s global-marketing team, an incredibly useful tool for selling eye-shadow palettes.) At $98, the candle duo is on the pricier side, but I could see some clueless dad buying this for his teenage daughter as a way of trying to reconnect after the divorce. (Don’t bother: She’s still mad at you.)

Rating: 3 out of 10 aaahhhAAAHHHahhhAHHHs

Aerie x Wicked Seersucker Shirt

I’m not sure where to start with this one. It’s not remotely on brand for the whimsical, steampunk-inspired aesthetic of the world of Oz; it looks like it was designed for the type of teenage praise-group member who finds Hollister too flamboyant. There’s also a clearly Taylor Swift–inspired faded tee that reads “Defy Gravity” for $29.99, as well as the above button-down Aerie x Wicked Seersucker Shirt ($49.95) that looks like something your dad would wear while ordering pie. The Real Soft Crew Socks ($9.95) are literally just black socks that have the word Wicked inscribed on them. The whole thing screams “cash grab,” and not a particularly cute one at that.

Rating: 0 out of 10 aaahhhAAAHHHahhhAHHHs

$49 at Aerie

Wicked Women’s Graphic Sweatshirt

This sweatshirt available at Wal-Mart is … fine. It’s a little dull. Personally, I would spend ten times as much on a sweatshirt featuring Tina Fey’s “authenticity is dangerous and expensive” speech to Bowen Yang from that episode of Las Culturistas. But at $12.99, it’s the perfect price point for a birthday gift for a classmate your kid doesn’t like.

Rating: 6 out of 10 aaahhhAAAHHHahhhAHHHs

$13 at Walmart

Universal Pictures Wicked Deluxe Glinda and Elphaba Fashion Dolls & Accessories with Removable Outfit

I’ll be honest: I love these dolls. I love the adorable little social-media rollout Erivo and Grande did where they pretended to see them for the first time and made a big deal oohing and aahing over them. I love that the Elphaba doll has braids and baby hairs and cute freckles, and I love that the Glinda doll has Grande’s arched eyebrows, which make her look like she’s constantly on the verge of yelling at a reporter for asking about Ethan Slater. If I were a 9-year-old girl, I would beg my mom to get both of them, and then I would force her to watch me make them perform “For Good” over and over, and she’d applaud politely and refrain from telling me that I don’t have the range for either role, thus perpetuating my delusion that I can high belt and beginning the vicious cycle of alto trauma anew. The limited-edition Elphaba (in Shiz University attire) and Madame Morrible dolls ($80) are also incredibly cool. It brings me a sense of zenlike calm to think about all the Wicked dolls living together on a shelf together in a Hell’s Kitchen studio apartment, getting their hair lovingly brushed by a 55-year-old part-time rehearsal accompanist.

Rating: 10 out of 10 aaahhhAAAHHHahhhAHHHs

$40 at Walmart

Universal Wicked Kit Original Detangler

This collab with Wet Brush (available on Ulta) comes in three different themes: Glinda (complete with Glinda’s trademark butterfly clips!), Elphaba (complete with Elphaba’s trademark ribbon!), and the more generic Emerald City theme (complete with Boq’s trademark … scrunchy?). At first, I thought this was incredibly silly, and then I started fantasizing about sitting in front of the mirror using the pink brocade brush and the bobby pins, and I was so entranced by this vision that I started clapping my hands and giggling.

Rating: 10 out of 10 aaahhhAAAHHHahhhAHHHs

$17.99 at Ulta Beauty

Wicked Elphaba Jersey Minidress

There are many things about this Forever 21 garment that I find baffling — the shapelessness, the Susie Greene–esque bedazzling, the fact that it’s a sports team jersey when Elphaba is famously averse to organized group activities. But, mostly, it’s the formatting that I consider problematic. Is there anyone who works for Forever 21 who has seen a sporting event or stepped foot inside a Modell’s? The last name goes on the back of the jersey, not the front. And according to the website, you’re supposed to style it with a trench and kitten heels?

Rating: 0 out of 10 aaahhhAAAHHHahhhAHHHs

$49.99 at Forever21

LEGO Wicked Glinda and Elphaba’s Dormitory Set

A replica of Glinda and Elphaba’s dorm at Shiz University, this LEGO set is perfect for re-creating the exact moment on set when Erivo, via a loose-lipped production assistant, found out about Grande’s relationship with the SpongeBob guy. For that specific purpose, at $69.99, it’s worth every penny.

Rating: 8 out of 10 aaahhhAAAHHHahhhAHHHs

$69.99 at Target

Wizomania Black Men’s Dress Shoes

You may be asking yourself: Where is the merch for the legions of queer and hetero-flexible men who can tell you, without Googling, what Elphaba’s vocal range is? (It’s a G3 to an F#5, though anyone reading this probably already knows that.) This Aldo collab includes a range of sweet-looking bejeweled loafers, suede smoking slippers, and black-and-emerald sneakers for the teenage boy who thinks he’s a Fiyero but is actually a Boq sun, Doctor Dillamond rising. There’s also a line of handbags, accessories, and heels for the ladies, including these pale-pink stilettos and gold-charm-encrusted black platform sandals (both $160), though they look less whimsical and more like something an out-of-town prom date would wear before stealing everyone’s iPhone chargers.

Rating: 6 out of 10 aaahhhAAAHHHahhhAHHHs

$160 at Aldo

Elphaba Glitter Funko Pop! Vinyl Figure

Funko Pop has released a line of Wicked-inspired vinyl figures, including Elphaba (above), Glinda (available in her trademark bubble gown and in the nightgown Grande wears in the film), Fiyero, and Madame Morrible. In a veritable ouroboros of cross-brand collaboration, the collectibles brand is also partnering with Loungefly to sell Wicked-themed backpacks, keychains, and a pretty cute journal ($30) inspired by Glinda’s Shiz University uniform, which I absolutely would have purchased semi-ironically when I was 14 and scrawled Dead Kennedys lyrics all over the pages.

Rating: 5 out of 10 aaahhhAAAHHHahhhAHHHs

$15 at Funko

r.e.m. beauty x Wicked Ozdust eye-shadow palette

Come on: Did you really think Grande’s team wasn’t going to take advantage of a cross-promotional opportunity by releasing a Wicked-themed capsule collection via her makeup line, r.e.m. beauty? The limited-edition collection includes not only Elphaba- and Glinda-inspired sets ($60), but also glow drops ($34), a lip oil $20), under-eye masks ($26), and an Ozdust palette featuring such shades as Normal Is Overrated (a very normal-looking taupe), Thrillifying! (a muted rose), and Positively Green (which can best be described as 1950s-era-Kermit hued). Embellished with whimsical hot-air balloons, butterflies, and flying monkeys, the packaging is beautiful, but the real question for me is: How does it compare to the Garfield-themed eye-shadow palette I impulse-bought off TikTok Shop, including such shades as Lasagna, Donut, Please, and I Hate Mondays?

Rating: 7 out of 10 aaahhhAAAHHHahhhAHHHs

$55 at Target

Stanley 20 oz Stainless Steel H2.0 FlowState Quencher Tumbler, Target

Stanley 20 oz Stainless Steel H2.0 FlowState Quencher Tumbler

For customers whose love for mezzo-sopranos is exceeded only by their passion for urinating 28 times a day, Stanley is introducing a themed collab with Wicked on October 13. The cups come in two colors — sparkly pink and green — and feature a flying monkey above the logo. The r/StanleyCups sub-Reddit is absolutely losing its shit over these cups, for reasons that are frankly lost on me (unless you are a long-distance runner or an actual camel, I don’t see how it could possibly be medically necessary to drink that many fluids in a day). But far be it from me to deprive some poor high-school-theater girl on vocal rest the opportunity to smugly sip hot tea from a Wicked-branded Stanley while the rest of the cast rehearses “Mamma Mia.”

Rating: 7 out of 10 aaahhhAAAHHHahhhAHHHs

$35 at Target

Beís x Wicked collection (available October 9)

Following its successful Barbie-themed collab, the Shay Mitchell–owned luggage brand Beís announced it will launch a line of Wicked-inspired roller luggage (ranging from $268 to $378), backpacks ($148), tote bags ($158), and a toiletry kit ($68). Fans are particularly excited for the launch of the company’s trademark Weekender bag ($168), which will be available in deep emerald and bubblegum pink.

I am not the target audience for this luggage line. The concept of spending more than $300 on a piece of luggage when I could just as easily schlep around my wardrobe in a Glad bag is anathema to me. That said, something has changed within me, and I am absolutely obsessed with the emerald finish on the Elphaba Weekender bag. So, if anyone from Beís is reading this — or, alternatively, a prospective sugar daddy who is okay with no physical contact whatsoever — feel free to email me.

Rating: 100,000 out of 10 aaahhhAAAHHHahhhAHHHs

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