British chestnut battles rocked by cheating scandal as 82-year-old found with steel chestnut
Say it ain’t so!
In what is sure to be the weirdest cheating scandal of 2024, the time-honored “World Conker Championships” were wrecked with controversy as an 82-year-old man known as “King Conker” won the tournament, only to have it discovered that he has a steel chestnut in his pocket.
David Jakins has been competing at the World Conker Championships since 1977, but has never won in his 47-year chestnut battling career — until this past weekend. Jakins, known as “King Conker” for his long-time involvement in the games, as well as being the head judge of the competition, is being investigated after the steel chestnut was discovered in his pocket following his victory. Jakins is claiming his innocence, remaining resolute that his metal chestnut is a gag item, not a tool to win.
“I was found with the steel conker in my pocket, but I only carry [it] around with me for humour value and I did not use it during the event.”
Conkers is a traditional children’s game across the United Kingdom and Ireland in which chestnuts are threaded onto pieces of string and competitors battle, taking turns smashing their chestnuts into each other. The winner is the first person who shatters their opponent’s nut.
So naturally, having a steel chestnut would immediately break the game at its most basic level, assuring victory when one is competing against those who just have a normal nut. Jakins’ opponent in the finals believes there was definitely something off about his loss.
“My conker disintegrated in one hit, and that just doesn’t happen … I’m suspicious of foul play and have expressed my surprise to organisers.”
If you thought just one cheating scandal was a enough in the world of competitive chestnut battling, dear friends, well wait for it — because there’s A SECOND CHESTNUT SCANDAL!
In addition to Jakins’ steel nut, there’s also been suggestions that the 82-year-old may have doctored the nut-smashing competition to enable him to cheat another way. In the world of conkers competitors get their chestnuts in a blind draw out of a bag. Jakins was responsible for selecting and threading man of the nuts for the competition.
It’s been suggested that in Jakins may have marked the strings of the hardest chestnuts, allowing him to select only the best nuts in the nut sack.
“There are also suggestions that King Conker had marked the strings of harder nuts. We can confirm he was involved in drilling and lacing the nuts before the event. We are investigating.”
Is this all a case of coincidence and no wrongdoing occurred, or was an aging chestnut battler so frustrated with his decades of futility that he turned to rigged nuts, before using a steel nut to guarantee the win? No matter how this shakes out I’m excited for the made-for-Netflix movie Nut Wars that will eventually come out of this.