Lance corporal fears the worst now that his duty relief is 5 minutes late
MIRAMAR, Calif. — As the minute hand on the clock in the barracks duty hut ticked toward 0705, the muscles on Lance Corporal Jay Hulterman’s face tightened further. The door to the duty hut remained empty, meaning Hulterman’s duty relief was now a full five minutes late.
“This is bad,” muttered Hulterman. “Really bad. I’m gonna give it another minute but Pfc. Salucci isn’t here by then, we may need to put a working party together to go find his body before the coyotes do.”
Hulterman’s assistant duty stander Pfc. Kathleen Clegg, whose duty relief was on time, explained the situation as she returned to her barracks room.
“Oh yeah, Hulterman should be worried. I mean, this is the barracks, which is basically a combination of FBoy Island and the Squid Game. If your duty replacement is one minute late, worst case, it means the jackass forgot to shave or something. Five minutes late? Start checking the dumpsters.”
Five-time Lance Cpl. Ben Hartley, just waking up from a refreshing nap while draped naked over a picnic table, offered a few explanations for Salucci’s absence.
“Salucci got a lot of rizz after pinning on Pfc. and started hanging out at Cheetahs, so this wouldn’t be the first time he was late for something cuz he’s raw doggin’ Chastity in the back of his pick-up. ‘Course, he’s also a fucking dumbass, so it’s even money he’s bleeding out in his room after riding a floor buffer.”
When asked about the option of calling in the duty supernumerary, Hulterman demurred.
“I might’ve done that with the old barracks NCO, but not now that it’s Sgt. Raffetto who has to approve it. He’s only barracks NCO because his wife kicked him out of their house — again — because she caught him burping the worm to tentacle porn — again. The sounds I’ve heard coming from behind his closed door…calling the super nut ain’t worth finding out what’s making those noises.”
At press time, the duty phone rang as the minute hand reached 0706. Although Duffel Blog could not make out all the details of the conversation between an increasingly distraught Lance Corporal Hulterman and the caller, the words “CLP,” “aubergine,” and “Kegel” were clearly audible.
Kay Too Ess Ohhhhh finds your excuses vague and unconvincing.