What a late-life crisis looks like and what you can do about it

Q. My husband recently retired from a high-level position. He has things to do but nothing seems to rekindle his spark. I think he is going through a mid-life crisis in later life. Is there such a thing? M.N.

What you are describing might be called a late-life crisis.

Such a crisis is described by Richard Leider and David Shapiro in their book, “What Do You Want to Be When You Grow Old? The Path of Purposeful Aging” (2021, Berrett-Koehler Publishers, Inc.). Here are some signs the authors identify: experiencing dissatisfaction, a loss of identity, an expectations gap and the feeling that life has peaked. Some also may believe life is a downhill journey. It’s having a feeling of being irrelevant. And it’s not just a guy thing. Both men and women are likely to experience it equally. 

Several events can cause a crisis in later life. Among them is the death of a loved one, an illness, money problems or no longer being able to walk the usual number of miles or having difficulty with poses in a yoga class. It also could be just boredom, doing the same thing day after day. 

Then there is retirement, which also can be a cause. For many, the loss of the work role can leave a huge gap in the reason to get up in the morning. For many, work is more than just a paycheck. It can provide a sense of purpose, social connection, structure for the day and knowing someone or some entity expects something from us. In a sense, it’s knowing we are needed. 

But other causes can cause a crisis in addition to the loss of the work role. For example, being out of touch with current technology, feeling unemployable and invisible in social situations or the marketplace. 

How do individuals know if they are experiencing a late-life crisis? Here are several questions that can serve as a clue, suggested by Leider and Shapiro. 

• Do you often find yourself looking in the mirror and thinking, “Who is that person?”
• Do you obsess about your appearance, wanting to look younger?
• Do you worry that you are not measuring up to others?
• Do you feel detached from activities that you once enjoyed?
• Do you often find yourself thinking about your mortality?
• Do you feel down for a period of time?
• Do you feel bored or stuck in your personal relationships?

One key to avoiding or managing a late-life crisis is to not go it alone. “Isolation is fatal,” write Lieder and Shapiro. 

This makes me want to share examples from a recent discussion, not necessarily of a crisis, but increased awareness of the question of “who am I now and who do I want to be?” This discussion took place at a meeting with a group of women who are not going it alone.

The group was made up of retired career women who are part of Renewment, a small grassroots movement that supports and inspires career women from work to retirement and beyond. Most were not going through a crisis, yet raised questions that indicated there are issues that may not reach the crisis level, yet still are important.

For example, a retired successful entrepreneur asked the question, “Am I doing as much as I am capable of? Do I want to have an impact on a small or large scale?” A recent widow said, “Being a widow is not where I wanted to be at this time in my life; it’s not my identity. I feel so fragmented exploring who I am.” Another added, “I continue to be so hard on myself; always feeling I should do more; I am busy but not happy.”

These same women and others in the group shared tips on avoiding problems that could lead to a late-life crisis. A therapist has emerged as an artist in New York and another was deeply involved in the election. A retired professor is traveling to Cuba and a former teacher launched a foundation. They have engagements that reflect a passion and sense of purpose. That’s the topic for next week. 

A point to remember: No one gets through this life alone. As Leider and Shapiro warn against isolation, remember that finding friends, colleagues, counselors or family members to talk about what’s going on can help avoid a crisis. 

Stay well everyone and as always, be kind. 

Helen Dennis is a nationally recognized leader on issues of aging and the new retirement with academic, corporate and nonprofit experience. Contact Helen with your questions and comments at Helendenn@gmail.com. Visit Helen at HelenMdennis.com and follow her on facebook.com/SuccessfulAgingCommunity