I’m haunted by the worry my cheating past will ruin my marriage

DEAR DEIDRE: MY husband is a good man, a loving man and is great with our children, but I’m haunted by the worry that my past will catch up with me and ruin everything.

You see I believe in karma and at the beginning of our relationship I was still under the spell of my toxic ex boyfriend.

I had sex behind my now husband’s back at least four times, and the memory makes me feel sick to my stomach. 

I’m 37, my husband is 39, and we’ve been together for just over ten years. We share two young daughters together; one is two and the other is four.

Since the day we met, he’s gone above and beyond to look after me, and I often wonder what I did to deserve such an amazing man. 

When we first met, I was still emotionally tied to my toxic ex-boyfriend. We’d been on and off for years, and I admittedly had a habit of self-sabotaging as an excuse to run back to him. 

I knew from the first date with my husband that he was different, and I tried so hard not to fall back into old habits. 

However, after a few drunken nights out, I kept finding myself in my ex’s bed. 

Every time it happened, the guilt consumed me until I eventually decided to block him and move on. 

Since that day I have been all in with my husband, and it’s the best decision I ever made. 

I know he’d be devastated if he found out, but I feel so heavy carrying this secret around with me.

Should I come clean?

DEIDRE SAYS: It’s understandable that you’re struggling with this, but ask yourself, would telling your husband be primarily about alleviating your own sense of guilt?

While coming clean about what you did might make you feel better for a few seconds, ultimately it will hurt him deeply and almost certainly destroy your otherwise happy relationship.

It’s clear that you learned from your mistake and haven’t strayed since, so opening that can of worms would do nothing but cause unnecessary pain and hurt.

Feeling guilty doesn’t help anyone. Better to take your lessons, grow and move on.

If you are struggling to cope with the guilt, it would be better to get it off your chest by talking to a counsellor, in confidence.

My support pack How Counselling Can Help will tell you where to access this help.