My partner has changed beyond recognition since his cancer diagnosis

DEAR DEIDRE: SINCE he was diagnosed with cancer, my partner has changed beyond recognition. He’s become moody, abusive and cruel.

If he doesn’t get help to deal with his feelings, he’ll be taking his last breath on his own, because I can no longer cope. 

I’m 48, and he’s 49. We’ve been in a relationship for seven years. 

We first met at college, but lost touch, married other people, and had kids. Then we both went through nasty divorces.

When we met up again, through social media, sparks flew. We felt we should always have been together. 

Before his diagnosis, we were so happy, and talking about marriage – even though I’d vowed never to go there again.

We had a wonderful, loving relationship and a brilliant sex life – so much better than I’d had with my ex. He was loving, caring, generous, kind and funny. 

When our kids were grown, we bought a place together and moved in. But just a few months later, he was diagnosed with terminal melanoma.

I vowed to care for him and do everything to make our remaining time together as wonderful as possible. 

But the diagnosis changed him. He has a terrible temper and nothing I do or say is right.

He throws things, screams obscenities and blames me for everything.

When he calms down, he apologises and expects me to forgive and forget.

He’s totally in denial about dying and I know he needs to talk about his feelings – if not with me then with someone else. But he won’t get professional help.

I can’t bear to be around him and I’m seriously considering leaving. I love him but I’m not prepared to be his punchbag.

DEIDRE SAYS: A terminal diagnosis is shocking, especially for someone relatively young.

Your partner is likely scared and angry, and as you’re the closest person to him, he’s lashing out.

You’re right that on some level he’s in denial, which is why he won’t talk about it. 

But he needs to because he’s not just making it harder for himself, he’s also driving you away.

Make it clear that you love him but can’t carry on like this. 

Give him my support pack on Have You Had A Cancer Diagnosis which contains information and sources of help. 

You may find it useful to see the information for carers on Macmillan’s website (macmillan.org.uk).