We Asked 3 Therapists How To Set Boundaries With Family This Christmas
As the festive season draws nearer and nearer, many of us dread spending time with, er, challenging family members.
Perhaps you’ve got some serious political disagreements with your uncle, who always decides to bring the government up around the Christmas table.
Maybe you don’t like how your mother-in-law treats your child or are sick of hearing endless personal comments about your appearance.
If that’s the case, you’re not alone ― 76% of us get stressed out by family arguments around Christmas, the Royal Society For Public Health found.
The answer should be simple; set boundaries and stick to them. But it’s very hard to navigate that in real life, and it sometimes feels impossible to avoid feelings of guilt when you do manage to say “no.”
So we thought we’d reach out to three therapists ― Vikas Keshri, former social worker and clinical director of Bloom Clinical Care Counselling and Therapy Services, founder of Hold The Vision Therapy Dr Rachel D. Miller, and Jenny Mahlum ― about how to handle it all.
How do you set boundaries with family without feeling guilt?
It’s not about avoiding the feeling, but reframing it, Vikas told HuffPost UK.
“Guilt isn’t a sign that you’re in the wrong. It’s simply an emotion that pops up when we care about others and don’t want to hurt their feelings,” he said.
“It’s uncomfortable, but that’s all it is — a feeling, not a truth. When you set a boundary and someone is disappointed, it can be tempting to give in, but that usually leads to more stress down the road.”
Dr Miller agrees.
“People will and are allowed to have feelings about your boundaries. You can’t stop that,” she shared.
“Part of removing the guilt around boundary setting requires an internal shift in the belief that if people have feelings about your boundaries, you’ve done something bad or wrong.”
If you’re spending hours agonising over whether the cost of your stress is lower than the toll of an unhappy relative, Jenny says it’s important to tell yourself what matters most to you and what your hard lines are ahead of any unwelcome requests.
“Boundaries are easier to set — and keep — when they are rooted in self-awareness and personal values,” she told HuffPost UK.
“A clear and gentle no is kinder than a resentful yes.”
So how do I actually implement my boundaries?
It’s one thing knowing that your guilt need not get in the way of your peace. But how about actually laying down the law?
Sometimes, it can simply be by refusing to engage, Vikas says.
“You can’t control how your family reacts to your boundaries, but you absolutely can control how you enforce them. If you’re not up for a visit, don’t open the door,” he suggested.
“If a conversation starts turning into emotional manipulation, politely remove yourself from it. You don’t owe anyone an explanation — your boundaries are enough.”
It might take a while for you to feel okay with your choice, but with time, it’ll feel more natural, the therapist advises.
Dr Miller says: “Know what you can and will talk about and how you want to do it. Also know when to disengage or even leave a situation because it is unfruitful or harmful. Have an exit plan if need be.”
Boundaries exist for us, not as a way to control others, she stresses ― all we can do is try to manage our own behaviour and expectations.
Meanwhile, Jenny says that redirection, choosing your battles wisely, and agreeing on certain rules (like no politics at the table) ahead of time can all help, as can a script.
Responses like “I appreciate your concern. I’m happy with my decision. It’s okay if you can’t be happy too,” before redirecting to, say, food can be helpful.
“You don’t have to attend every argument you’re invited to,” she suggests.
Lastly, if Christmases are frequently hurtful to the extent that you no longer want to attend, Jenny says that’s okay too.
“It’s not selfish to prioritise your peace and feeling respected; it’s essential.”
Help and support:
- Mind, open Monday to Friday, 9am-6pm on 0300 123 3393.
- Samaritans offers a listening service which is open 24 hours a day, on 116 123 (UK and ROI - this number is FREE to call and will not appear on your phone bill).
- CALM (the Campaign Against Living Miserably) offer a helpline open 5pm-midnight, 365 days a year, on 0800 58 58 58, and a webchat service.
- The Mix is a free support service for people under 25. Call 0808 808 4994 or email help@themix.org.uk
- Rethink Mental Illness offers practical help through its advice line which can be reached on 0808 801 0525 (Monday to Friday 10am-4pm). More info can be found on rethink.org.