My traumatised girlfriend is struggling with being raped by her ex – I want to help but I don’t know where to start

DEAR DEIDRE: EACH time my partner tries to have sex with me, memories come flooding back of the time she was raped by her ex.

I am 54 and she is 52. We have been together for almost two years and are very happy.

But she hasn’t always been treated properly and ten years earlier, when she tried to leave her daughter’s abusive father, he raped her.

The first time we tried to have sex, she tried to respond but I could see she wasn’t at ease.

Eventually she asked me to stop.

My heart broke afterwards when she tearfully told me what had happened and said that memories of her ordeal came flooding back.

She thinks that she is letting me down even though I have assured her that is not the case.

She said that this is her problem, not mine.

She has even said that she wouldn’t blame me if I found intimacy elsewhere.

I really want to help her but I don’t know where to start.

DEIDRE SAYS: I am sorry your partner is suffering.

Reassure her that it is normal for these uninvited memories to crop up to help her feel supported.

It’s tempting to try to fix things and to want to make things better but she needs to decide for herself.

Be patient. Many people do heal from abuse.

Rape Crisis will understand (rapecrisis.org.uk, 0808 500 2222).

My support pack Have You Been Raped? may help her too.