The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Recap: Stone Cold Beach

Welcome to another episode of your favorite show, Rich Women Doing Things, and this week, the rich women did things. They stood in their backyards talking to ducks that had made a home in their swimming pools and then ran into their front yards to find a Porsche with a big red bow on top of it like it was a Hallmark Christmas movie. They sported never-before-seen nesting Birkins, where there is a tiny Birkin inside a mini Birkin inside an actual Birkin. That is $76,450 worth of bags on one wrist that is sporting only a bangle from Claire’s. They complained to their friends about hoop earrings because they wanted to wear gold and silver interlocking earrings; we’re not sure why they couldn’t, but then they wore them to dinner and they weighed down their ears like someone talking about their dead spouse on a first date.

But mostly, what the rich women did was go on a trip to Oceanside, California, which, for those without intimate knowledge of geography or the California coast, is between Orange County and San Diego. It’s sort of the taint of conservative California beach towns. This trip was organized by Kathy Hilton, and these Beverly Hills producers are really stretching the definition of what it means to be a “friend of.” Traditionally, it meant they weren’t allowed to host anything, they weren’t allowed any home visits, and they certainly didn’t get any personal story lines. Here, we have Jennifer Tilly not only in her own home but as part of a packing montage where she brings only the essentials: poker chips, sage, and holy water. That last one is to keep Teddi Mellencamp (say her name three times and she shall appear) at bay.

Then we have Kathy not only hosting the trip but traveling all around town dropping off personalized luggage for everyone just to invite them. Barbara K., Angie K.’s bisexual New York cousin, would never be allowed to do such a thing. Kathy’s whole journey, much like Kathy, is entirely stupid. I mean this as a compliment. It’s stupid in a way that makes no sense, is totally over the top, but makes you laugh enough that you don’t care that it is dumber than either haircut in Dumb and Dumber.

Her first stop is Boz’s house, and I would have the exact same reaction: “What is Kathy Hilton doing at my door with a pleated bucket hat and a suitcase?” Unclear. At least we know she’s not moving in. If that were the case, she’d have brought her box fan. Actually, I take that back. My reaction would have been the same as Kyle’s: “Absolutely not.” Yes, I would have sung, “Should I wear my hair in a ponytail? Should I dress myself up in Chanel? Do I measure me by what you think? Absolutely not. Absolutely not.” (Congrats if you got that reference. You are both a giant homosexual and you have “daddy” somewhere in your Sniffies profile.)

Kathy also stops by a photo shoot Garcelle is doing for Jaid, one of her twin boys who I said about three years ago would have a modeling contract. He just signed with LA Models. Being this right is very difficult. None of you should ever strain yourself as much as I do. Just continue being wrong. It’s so much easier.

Before everyone piles into a Sprinter to go off to the beach, there is a really strange scene between Kyle and Mauricio when he just comes by the house to check out the new greige color that Kyle painted their old bathroom. Kyle is in the middle of a remodel because she needs something to take her mind off the separation and also (the Morally Corrupt) Faye Resnick wanted to get one of those nesting Birkins and needed a bit of money. Kyle talks about how Mauricio put a six-month lease on an apartment, which seemed temporary, but then he bought furniture, which seems permanent. A producer asks in confessional if Kyle wants him to come back, and she doesn’t want to answer it because, honestly, I don’t think she knows. I don’t think Kyle has any idea what is going on in her personal life, which is causing strife with all her show friends.

What is clear to me is that Kyle needs someone to take care of. She asks Mauricio if she needs to buy him towels. He says “no,” that he has, like, two and can wash them, which is the most boy answer I have ever heard in my life. She asks if he needs sheets, and he says he bought the most expensive ones, so they’re probably good. This is the most rich-boy answer I have ever heard in my life. But Kyle has always taken care of someone. First, it was her mother, Big Kathy, and her sisters, who were always messes. Then it was her husband and then it was her daughters. Now, she’s left in that big empty house all alone, and even TMC Faye is like, “No, Kyle. I don’t need any more linens. Please stop pestering me.” I think Kyle is having a hard time switching from giving attention to those around her to putting that focus into working on herself.

While we’re at it, I think Dorit is having the same issues with PK, a nostril that has taken over an entire human body. When they sit down for lunch at the beach, she has a conversation with Boz that everyone else can only guess at. (I feel that at least Garcelle, if not some others, were maybe a little bit happy to be left out.) Dorit is upset that she had to leave her kids with the nanny for her trip, and they were upset that she left them for the first time. We all want to know why they can’t stay with their father: That’s because he got an apartment of his own and they don’t want to tell the kids they’re separated. Also, Dorit says, “To sign a lease on an apartment that I know nothing about and expect the children to stay there is too impulsive and not very considerate.”

I totally think PK, reverse Viagra, needs to step up and take care of his damn kids while their mother goes off to earn some damn money, but these are both problems of Dorit’s own making. I don’t have kids, nor have I gone through a divorce, but it’s her choice to “shield” the kids from their separation. I hate to break it to her, but there is no shielding these kids. They’re going to have to deal with it one way or another; you may as well just drop them off in the lobby of PK’s new apartment with their backpacks and a note pinned to Jagger’s shirt that says, “Daddy, please give me a home.” Also, of course, he’s going to sign a lease without telling you. You are separated. That is the entire point. And who cares if the kids don’t know it? They’re going to have to learn it sometime. Why does Dorit need to know about the apartment? Even if there were all the sharp corners, exposed outlets, and rickety balconies in the world, they’d be supervised by their father. I’m sure they’re in good hands. Okay, maybe not. I’m sure they’re in slightly capable hands that will keep them from dying.

Back at Kathy’s house, everyone files in to go on the trip, and Dorit is wearing an off-the-shoulder knit dress with a matching sweater that has only one sleeve and a strap to keep it on her body. Much like Kathy Hilton, it is completely stupid and I can’t get enough of it and want to stare at it for hours until I figure it out. Then Jennifer Tilly shows up with not one but two custom Louis Vuitton bags, including one that is a $33,000 LV boat purse. Much like Kathy Hilton, that purse is completely stupid, and I want to put it on display in my living room so all my friends can coo over it and wonder just how the hell I managed to nab one.

On the bus ride there, we learn that Garcelle dated Will Smith, Eddie Murphy, and Sean Penn. She also took a sip when Sutton said, “Take a sip if you ever slept with a man who turned out to be gay.” Hollywood A-listers over here catching strays! We also learn Jennifer Tilly was married to Sam Simon, one of the creators of The Simpsons, who died in 2015. When they arrive at the beach, they greet a Tom Cruise who is at least a foot too tall, they eat lunch on the freezing beach, they play games in the sand, and everything is, as Kathy Hilton wouldn’t say, hunky-dory. Then dinner comes and Kyle and Dorit start to get into their never-ending fight, and I am just as lost as anyone.

We have some whole new reasons why each is mad at the other. Dorit says Kyle keeps “freezing her out,” which I’m not sure exactly what she means, but it sounds like Dorit is upset that Kyle gets mad at her and is jeopardizing her job. Dorit lists three examples: When she said Kyle didn’t know what she was doing at her fashion show, when Kyle was mad at Dorit for taking Erika’s side in a fight in Aspen, and when Kyle didn’t talk to her for six months after Dorit supported Kathy at the season-12 reunion.

At dinner, Kyle brings out some new ammunition of her own. She’s not only mad about Dorit’s not listing her as the favorite Richards sister at BravoCon, but she’s also mad that when someone asked Kyle why she is always trying to thrust Teddi (uh oh, that’s two) on the Bravo-loving masses, Dorit didn’t defend her. Kyle says something that almost gets to the heart of the matter: The reason Dorit didn’t defend the Housewife Whose Name I Can’t Say a Third Time is because it was unpopular with the fans and Dorit never wants to do that. But then Dorit turns right around and says that is what Kyle does; that is what Kyle has always done.

Earlier in the episode, Erika and Dorit are talking about the BravoCon thing and Erika says Dorit might have unintentionally hurt Kyle but didn’t do it maliciously. Dorit says that is true but that Kyle hurt her on purpose. I would venture to guess Kyle feels the exact same way.

That’s what is crazy about this fight. What is upsetting both of them is not one thing, not one incident; it is a pattern of behavior, but neither of the women is able or willing to clarify what that pattern is and why it annoys them. They also think the worst of each other. It’s like they’re accusing each other of the same crime: “You robbed that bank,” “No, you robbed that bank,” “No, I didn’t rob the bank. You did,” “No, you!” Back and forth, back and forth, like an echo in which the message gets a little more diluted, a little more fuzzy each time it bounces off the wall. Or maybe it’s a mirror. Maybe they’re both looking at their own reflection and thinking it’s someone else. Eventually, those mirrors are gonna shatter, and if Dorit’s performance at dinner is any indication, she’s going to try to stab Kyle with the shards.