Is It Ever Okay To Tell Your Partner That You Don't Like How They Look?

Okay, nothing could quite prepare us for bearded Jacob Elordi.

The usually smooth-faced Saltburn actor debuted his new look at the weekend during the opening ceremony of the Marrakech International Film Festival – and naturally, people had a lot of feelings about his new facial friend.

Look, I’m firmly team beard – I think it makes him look grungy, older and honestly, even hotter... if that’s possible.

But the critique Jacob has received for his beard this week has left me wondering about our own etiquette when someone closer to home changes their look. What if it’s your own partner whose appearance you’re struggling with – is it appropriate to say something?

HuffPost UK spoke to Jaimee Bell, sex expert and Executive Producer at audio erotica site Bloom Stories to get the skinny on whether you can, or more importantly should, say something to your partner about their new appearance if you can’t stand it.

According to Jaimee, it’s important to unpack what’s really going on and ask yourself a few questions before you act. 

Does whether or not your partner keeps their new look actually affect you, or is it just your personal preference? 

If they love it and are happy and it doesn’t affect you, let them live their life. Relationships can be long, and we’ll all likely have many different “looks” and seasons in that time. How would you feel if your partner told you they hated your new lipstick or hair colour, or that they thought you’d gained weight?

Sometimes we hold up past versions of a person next to who they are now (e.g. by remembering how someone looked when they were ten years younger and yearning for that time). While it’s fine to fantasise about this sometimes, it’s not reflective of how people age and grow. You should be respectful of every version of your partner, not just the one you “prefer”.

How do you think your partner would react if you told them how you felt?

Everyone is different and you know your partner best. But if you think you’re going to hurt them by being honest, consider whether it’s worth it.

Context is important here, as while your partner may find your opinion on something fairly superficial like an outfit funny, they may not feel the same if you commented on something that was already a source of low self-esteem or anxiety for them.

How easy is it for them to change said ‘look’?

It’s one thing to tell someone you don’t love that new shirt they just bought. It’s also up to them whether you telling them this actually affects whether they keep it (I’d argue that if they love it and it makes them feel great, they should wear it anyway). 

But when it comes to things like hair, weight, tattoos, and even makeup looks which can be harder to change, I’d think carefully before sharing your opinion.

Reflect on what you are hoping to gain, and how it might make them feel. There is definitely a difference between being honest about things that are important and truly require honesty – something that might affect their health, for instance – and being mean or judgemental about superficial things that don’t truly matter.

Is it affecting your sex life?

If your partner’s new look is affecting how attracted you are to them, it can be tricky. Again, reflect carefully on whether this is something that you can see past, whether it’s easy for them to change, and whether you’re going to upset them by being honest. 

If something relatively superficial like a beard is really turning you off, you could speak to your partner about it – let them know they look really different to you and you’re struggling with it. But tread carefully and sensitively. Let them know you’re sharing your opinion from a place of love because you want to have a healthy sex life with them, but that you can continue to work on it if it really makes them happy.

Is this the symptom of something bigger?

If you’re really struggling to move past something you don’t like about the way your partner looks, consider whether it’s the symptom of something bigger.

Maybe you’re embarrassed on their behalf about the way they look, or you’re worried about people judging you by proxy. In this case, reflect on whether it’s something you need to work on yourself, or something they should change.

Ultimately we should all love our partners for who they are, not just how they look.