The Sex Lives of College Girls Recap: Horny For Nice
We have made it to a new frontier: our first episode without Renee Rapp’s Leighton. We’ve got flirting and major changes to discuss, so let’s dive right in. First things first: the new roommate, Kacey. She transferred to Essex to be with her boyfriend, who she had been with since 7th grade. (Sorry, you couldn’t get into a school with no math program, but could you get into Duke?) Much like me, Bela cannot get over the fact that they have been together since middle school and that Kacey is proudly rocking a promise ring — something I absolutely thought went out of style in 2008, but everything old is new again! She pretty quickly insults everything about our trio and then slips off to class as Bela, Whitney, and Kimberly try to recover. “Is it me, or was she super nice and smiley but also a total bitch?” It wasn’t just you, babes!
At dinner, Kacey introduces her boyfriend to the roommates before sneaking off to find a quiet date spot for dinner. She clearly does this just to rub it in that she has a man, finishing with, “Enjoy your little girls’ night!” It does not make me proud to admit this, but everything about Kacey is turning on my dormant mean girl. I want to bully this girl, and I am strong enough to admit it! Oh, also! Kimberly is almost positive she saw Clavin making out with someone else last year, but since she isn’t sure and they don’t really know Kacey, she agrees with Whitney that telling her will do more harm than good.
If you were thinking, “I bet that doesn’t last,” you are indeed correct! It takes about three seconds for Kimberly to spot Calvin at the Omega party, grinding hard on some random. And despite Whitney’s hope that they are “platonic grinding,” they start making out seconds later, squashing that. Kimberly rings the alarm, and Kacey tears into the party, no matter that she’s in the middle of highlight upkeep and has pimple patches on. Bela cautions her not to make a scene but is thrilled when she does, which is absolutely relatable. I would never stop telling people I saw this fight if I had been there. Still, as a person who does not really care about either of these characters I just met, I am a little less invested in the details about Calvin’s pastor dad and the broken promise ring. The point is that Kacey is touched that the girls had her back, and this storyline wraps with the hope that this new foursome might work out after all. I am still suspicious, but then again, my inner mean girl is awake.
And well, since I am in a mean girl mood, let’s talk about Taylor! She has gone to a session of alcohol counseling on campus that consisted of a five-minute conversation, a pamphlet, and the counselor asking if she knows Adele. (Bela: “…and you said?”) Look, I have tried to give Essex some grace here because, you know, it’s not real, but one thing colleges love to do is lecture kids about drinking. If season four is about how Essex is in danger of losing its accreditation, I will be there with BELLS on. Anyway, Taylor is kind of whatever about her drinking problem, and Bela is distracted by Arvind, the sweet FAF from last week pulling up with a box of chocolates for a staff member who had a hip replacement. I can admit I chuckled at Taylor’s face of confused disgust at Bela and Arvind’s shambolic attempts at “flirting.” Of course, Bela is aghast to discover Taylor thinks she is flirting with a man who uses “hospital puns dot com” to make a joke, but Taylor convinces her to ask him to lunch. What’s the problem with the man, you may ask? Besides the hospital puns? He is too nice, and Bela is not attracted to nice guys. Kimberly and Whitney receive this news like Bela is from another planet. This cannot be the first time either of them has heard a friend express a preference for bad boys? Or … do I just have a specific kind of social circle? Much to consider. Granted, Bela doesn’t do herself any favors by claiming the hottest character in Aladdin is Jafar. Girl, if you go Disney, The Beast is RIGHT there! I try to make it a habit to not agree with Bela, but I do get what she means. Arvind is so nice he gives me a little bit of the ick, especially when he’s talking about how powerful it is to cry with students as a FAF. Bela is ready to ditch this lunch and call it a day when Arvind performs the most erotic Heimlich maneuver that I have ever seen. It’s all slow motion, with hazy golden light highlighting Arvind’s arms as Bela watches open-mouthed. She is finally horned up for nice … and then Arvind drops that he has a girlfriend. If you think that means this storyline is over, well, you must not know Bela!
Remember that bisexual hottie from housing, Eli? Well, he and Kimberly are studying-slash-making out when he tells her that usually women have the hardest time with him being bi. She clocks that this must mean most of his exes are men, and even though she assures Eli she will be cool … I mean, it’s Kimberly, so she has about ten minutes before she does something mortifying. This time, that mortifying thing is listening to Lila, who tells her that one of Eli’s exes was a super freak in bed, so Kimberly is gonna have to step her game up. We all know this is going nowhere good, and that is only confirmed when Kimberly enters the local sex shop, acting like a person who not only has never been into a sex store but like a person who has, in fact, never had sex. Luckily, she has the ideal first-time shopping experience with a genderfluid hottie who reassures her that she is not committing a crime and that sex is a part of life before walking her through their various wares.
Unfortunately, that is probably the only good thing about Kimberly’s plan to become a sex freak. The next time she is at Eli’s, making out in his bed, she tries to get him to turn over. My girl really needs to cool her jets! Y’all still have clothes on, and you are jumping right to pegging this man?? Eli agrees, telling her that he doesn’t want to do that right now, and Kimberly realizes that she is no better than every other straight woman he has dated before, grabbing her things and scooting out of there with a quickness. So quick in fact, that she drops her backpack and the “gift” she got for Eli starts rumbling and shaking. She was going to peg the hell outta that man, mon dieu!
I have saved Whitney for last as I find myself the most irritated about her storyline. Maybe irritated is too strong. Concerned? I have concerns here. Ostensibly, this storyline is about how Whitney might be spreading herself too thin with soccer, majoring in STEM, and trying to have a life. After getting an A+ on her paper for African American Studies, her professor tries to push her towards majoring in the same. Now, Whitney certainly bungles this conversation with her professor by calling her broke and her job useless, but I simply cannot imagine that a professor in 2024 would be offended to the level this woman is? And I especially have a hard time believing that the daughter of a sitting U.S. Senator would have no idea about Katherine Howard — you know Senator Chase got tickets to the premiere of Hidden Figures, like what are we doing here? I would love it if this turned into a longer-running plot — like Whitney leaning into a more militant Black identity because that is such a classic Black kid thing to do in college, but it doesn’t feel grounded in a lived experience. It feels like the writers remember she is Black every few episodes. I don’t know how Whitney feels about her Blackness, not really, and I think it’s making these storylines harder to connect with me. I am glad they didn’t make her drop the AFAM class, and I will … give them a chance to make something interesting happen here, but so far, I am not loving it!
Office Hours
• “Do you want me to show you around campus on your way? I know all the prettiest places. And if you like ivy as much as I do, do I have the pergola for you!” Okay, I am starting to get freaked out by how much Kimberly and I sound alike. Bring me ivy-covered pergolas, or bring me death!
• “Let me give you some advice from my upcoming book about sex that I have not yet begun to write.” Lila, never change!
• I actually think Taylor’s system for getting hotties’ numbers is almost perfect, but “hot blonde” isn’t the description you need! You need the place you were where you met them and the date! Forget the hair color!
• “I have literally never looked worse in public, can you please shield me all the way home?” Even though Kacey was a huge bitch, our girls have her back. That’s love!
• “I got a C? Actually, it’s good! I am here, first and foremost, to learn. I am a humble student of the African American experience.” White girls taking AFAM classes truly never change.
• Sorry, I am the world’s biggest nerd, or is an A+ on a paper with “see me” CLEARLY a sign you are about to get compliments from a professor?