Never be early, hide the wine and ignore your host – 12 ways to avoid a row on Christmas Day
CHRISTMAS can be explosive.
Boozy rows at dinner, squabbles over the telly and disputes over gifts are common.
One survey suggests the average family has at least five rows on December 25, kicking off at 10am!
Thankfully, etiquette expert Jo Bryant has given Natalie Clarke her guide on how to avoid a full-blown festive fallout . . .
PLAN AHEAD FOR A PEACEFUL CHRISTMAS
HAVE a conversation with guests before the 25th.
But time it right, as having it too far in advance will make you seem very uptight and over the top.
Phoning in a panic on Christmas Eve is no good either. Do it around now.
What time will you eat? There may be young children to think of, or elderly relatives who will reach for the Rennies if their dinner is served too late.
As host, it is your duty to see if anyone has special dietary needs.
You don’t want an angry vegan on your hands if all you’re offering is turkey and pigs in blankets.
If you’re the guest, you have less control over the menu. With desserts, however, it’s a bit more relaxed.
If you hate Christmas pudding, you can say: “Would you like me to contribute to lunch? Can I bring a pud?” Then you can rock up with your pavlova.
DON’T BE LATE . . . BUT NEVER, EVER BE EARLY
IT’S an age-old rule – and a very British one.
There is nothing worse than a guest arriving early, because the host may not be ready and could still be up to their elbows in Brussels sprouts.
If you are asked to arrive at midday, make sure you get there at noon, or very slightly afterwards.
It’s far better to be ten minutes late than ten minutes early.
IGNORE IT WHEN YOUR HOST SAYS: ‘DON’T BRING ANYTHING’
IF you’re going to someone’s house and you don’t know them well, it’s good to phone in advance and ask what you can bring.
If the host says, “Nothing”, you should still take something – flowers, chocolates or a plant. It’s good manners.
But beware turning up with a scented candle if they would probably prefer a couple of bottles of wine.
If you’re the one doing the hosting and know your guests very well, it’s fine to ask if they would mind bringing cheese, chocolates, or whatever.
That way, you make sure you end up with sensible contributions and it can help spread the cost.
AVOID BORING JOURNEY CHAT
IF you’ve had an awful journey, it’s bad etiquette to go on about it and bring that stress with you.
Not only is it rude, but it also makes your hosts feel like inviting you is a burden.
Allow time for your journey and, if you are running late, don’t call every 15 minutes with an update of your location.
You can always share your location for an hour on Whatsapp.
That way, your host will be able to see where you are or choose to ignore you if they are still too busy basting the turkey.
GO YOUR SEPARATE WAYS
CHRISTMAS – and life – is about give and take.
Not everyone will want to do the same thing at the same time.
For example, you could say: “Some of us are going to church – you’re more than welcome to stay at home if you don’t want to come.”
That way, they can knock back the Prosecco while you’re singing hymns.
Think of the needs of your other guests, too.
Older guests might like an area they can sit quietly, away from the gaming teenagers.
As a host, don’t inflict too many activities on guests – but if everyone else is playing Monopoly, don’t be the only one watching telly.
Do what the majority is doing.
MAKE A CUNNING SEATING PLAN
IF there is family tension, I suggest a clever seating arrangement.
Put place cards down and say: “Granny, why don’t you sit here? Uncle Bob, what about there?”
It should go without saying, avoid sitting people who don’t get on next to each other.
You should stick to safe topics when talking, such as highlights of the year, holidays and any great plans for 2025.
Don’t hog the conversation and steer clear of the usual hotspots, such as politics.
Awkward disccusions are best deflected with humour.
Say something like: “It’s Christmas, we don’t want to talk about boring politics, do we?”
DON’T CRITICISE THE CHEF
PEOPLE get too stressed about Christmas lunch.
It’s one meal in 365 days and probably isn’t going to be the best meal you eat.
Chances are the turkey might be a bit dry, the sprouts overcooked.
The point of Christmas is about community and family.
You should focus on that, rather than criticising the chef.
There are so many elements to the Christmas lunch, so there will be something you like.
Try and have a bit of what you like the most – don’t sit there and say “I don’t like it”, or you could end up not being invited back next year.
DON’T LOAD YOUR HOST’S DISHWASHER
YOU should offer to help out, but in a sensible way.
There’s being a help – and there’s being a hindrance.
Trying to load someone’s dishwasher when you don’t know where everything goes is a pain.
Ferrying plates from the table to the kitchen is probably more useful.
Be helpful without commenting, interfering, or getting in the way.
If you are staying over, you should be neat and tidy – hang up your towels, don’t hog the bathroom and live by the rules of your host’s house.
HIDE THE WINE
YOU need to let people enjoy themselves – it is Christmas, after all – but to try to reduce the risk of excess.
I suggest sneakily limiting booze and ensuring there is plenty of coffee and water available later in the day.
Lecturing people on drinking is never going to feel festive and if you tell someone they’ve had enough, it doesn’t tend to go down too well.
REMEMBER TO SAY THANK YOU
WE can all drive off on Boxing Day and think: “Thank God, we got through it.”
But it’s probably been hardest for your host, so it’s always worth thanking them a couple of days afterwards.
You can send an email, but a thank-you card in the post is a notch up and will have much more impact.
TURN ANNOYING HABITS INTO LOVABLE TRAITS
IF you don’t get on with a certain relative, I suggest you change your mindset, because they are not going to disappear at Christmas.
If there is something your mother-in-law does that really annoys you – asking inappropriate questions about your sex life, perhaps, or laughing hysterically about things that aren’t funny – it will only be amplified after they have had a few wines.
Instead, make it seem slightly humorous in your mind, part and parcel of who they are, rather than going to war over it.
Awkward conversations are best deflected with humour, too.
It’s bad manners to be confrontational and aggressive.
IF YOU HATE A GIFT, KEEP QUIET
IF someone has taken the time and effort to give you something – even if it’s a garish, itchy jumper – it’s churlish to say you don’t like it.
As a general rule, you should accept it.
If it is an item of clothing and it doesn’t fit, you can discuss getting a different size.
And if it’s an incredibly expensive item, you could perhaps have a conversation.
We all get a few presents we’re less keen on, so don’t be too fussy.
And don’t show off and spend lots of money, either.
You could embarrass the other person by giving them something too expensive.