Incoming DNI Tulsi Gabbard vows to delete 'fake' intel connecting her to Russia

HONOLULU — Former Representative and current self-appointed savior of the nation Tulsi Gabbard was spotted today doing cartwheels down Kalakaua Avenue, apparently elated by her newfound opportunity to delete any and all evidence that might link her to Russia. Witnesses reported that she was seen cackling that her “prayers to Saint Snowden have finally been answered.”

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After updating Gabbard’s Wikipedia page to erase her history with known Russian disinformation, Gabbard’s staff released a statement: “Former Representative Gabbard has never and will never be associated with any foreign entity. The mere suggestion is preposterous, and the recent digital cleansing is purely coincidental. We’d ask that you also forget her involvement in the Science of Identity Foundation, which is totally not a cult.”

Meanwhile, local IT professionals have been baffled by a sudden surge in job listings for “data sanitization experts” and “memory hole technicians” in the D.C. area.

“I’ve never seen so many postings requiring experience with industrial-strength magnets and shredder maintenance,” a local technician told reporters. “Who even owns incinerators these days?”

While details about Gabbard’s connections with Moscow and her parroting of Russian propaganda are complicated, sources note that she recorded videos of her repeating Russian propaganda word for word. She has even been invited to speak to special operations students about disinformation and the nature of reality. But reality won’t matter for much longer.

“I’ve always stood for transparency and accountability, except when I haven’t. This is a clean slate for me to continue exposing the truth about the deep state’s secret yoga sessions and tofu stockpiles. Not my deep state. The others. The other deep states that I have no ties to.”

In a related development, Gabbard’s favorite yoga studio has reportedly started offering a new class called “Downward Deletion Dog,” promising participants peace of mind and untraceable internet history.

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