I feel sick after finding out about my wife’s fling with her mother’s boyfriend

DEAR DEIDRE: SINCE I found out that my wife was once in a relationship with the man who is now her mother’s boyfriend, I’ve felt sick.

I’m finding it impossible to be intimate, and when I try, all I can think about is him touching her. I’m not sure our marriage can ever recover.

I’m 35 and she’s 34. We’ve been married for seven years and have a three-year-old son.

We don’t see her mum, 60, often because we’ve moved 200 miles away, and they have a difficult relationship.

But in September, there was a big family wedding. Her mum turned up with a man, introducing him as her new boyfriend.

My wife looked uncomfortable. I thought it was because this guy is much younger than her mum.

But later, I got chatting to him and, with a wink, he told me that 15 years ago, when my wife was just 20 and he was 35, they’d had a fling.

He laughed, saying he was now into older, not younger women.

I didn’t find it funny. In fact, I felt disgusted, and angry that my wife had never told me about him. 

We’ve talked a lot about our past relationships, and she never once mentioned this guy. 

I feel like she’s lied to me and now I can’t trust anything she’s told me.

That night, she wanted sex, and I insisted on wearing a condom. I felt she was sullied by him.

She got upset and we’ve hardly been intimate at all since then.

She doesn’t understand why I’m so deeply affected by something that happened so long ago, years before we met.

Our marriage is falling apart. How can I get past this?

DEIDRE SAYS: Perhaps your wife didn’t mention this relationship because she thought it would upset you.

Or maybe it was a relationship she was embarrassed about, and wanted to forget. 

She didn’t cheat on you and you knew she had a past, so ask yourself why this hurts so much and try to explain your feelings to her. 

Ask her to be honest too.

She can’t change what happened, so the onus is on you to work with her on getting over it. Think about your young son.

Some relationship counselling would be a very good idea. It will allow you to talk openly, with expert guidance. 

Read my support pack How Counselling Can Help for more information about how to find this.