Nigel Farage has five MPs, four million votes and a President’s ear – not bad for a newcomer
THE WORLD of politics in 2024 had more twists and (U)-turns than a theme park rollercoaster.
Keir Starmer finally made Labour electable – then ended up in a spat with the world’s richest man.
Donald Trump survived assassination attempts to make a comeback to the White House, while his mate Nigel Farage finally won a seat in Parliament.
And the Tories . . . well, the less said about their year, the better!
Grab a mince pie, take a sip of fizz and enjoy my political awards of the year – The Fergies.
MISTAKE OF THE YEAR
WHEN it comes to political blunders, it doesn’t get much bigger than calling a snap election and then suffering the worst defeat in Tory history.
Step forward Rishi Sunak.
The signs were there from the start: an announcement in the pouring rain with no brolly, leaving the D-Day commemorations early, a No10 betting scandal.
With hindsight, calling the snap election looks like the biggest mistake since Decca turned down the opportunity to sign The Beatles.
STORYLINE OF THE YEAR
LABOUR campaigned on a promise to end sleaze in politics — but quickly became engulfed in a freebies scandal.
It turned out “Mr Rules” Keir Starmer had been getting free designer clobber from his mate and Labour donor Lord Waheed Alli.
Add to the mix some free posh dresses for his wife, Lady Vic, and a pair of tickets to see Taylor Swift at Wembley, and you had a full-blown scandal.
Sir Keir just wanted to Shake It Off . . . but voters smelled the whiff of hypocrisy All Too Well.
CUTTING JIBE RUNNER-UP
WES STREETING is often tipped as a future Labour leader — but he was only too willing to plunge the knife into former party boss Ed Miliband.
Speaking at a glitzy awards do, he joked that Kemi Badenoch risked turning into a political flop like Red Ed.
He said: “Trashing her party’s own record . . . talking to the members, not the voters. Kemi, carry on like this and you’ll be Energy Secretary in ten years’ time.”
His punchy joke sparked roars of laughter among politicians and journalists, but some of his po-faced Labour colleagues were fuming.
MOST CUTTING JIBE
PETER MANDELSON proved he still has the sharpest tongue in politics when he acidly suggested that Keir Starmer needed to “shed a few pounds” just months before the election.
The svelte Prince of Darkness was accused of fat- shaming with his cheeky dig.
The two men must have patched things up, because Mandy is now to be our US ambassador.
PICTURE GAFFE OF THE YEAR
PM RISHI visited Belfast’s famous Titanic quarter during his ill-fated election campaign — and was promptly asked if he was “captaining a sinking ship?”.
With his poll ratings tanking and a record number of Tory MPs quitting, his chances of winning the election were indeed sunk.
COMEBACK OF THE YEAR
DONALD TRUMP became the comeback kid to beat all others by surviving assassination attempts before getting re-elected to the White House.
American voters were rightly furious with the Democrats for covering up the fact that President Joe Biden, 82, was clearly going gaga.
The party belatedly showed Sleepy Joe the door — but Kamala Harris’s Brat summer turned out to be short-lived.
BUST-UP OF THE YEAR
ELON MUSK’S war with Keir Starmer is the dust-up that has us all on the edge of our X/Twitter accounts.
Their beef started in the summer when the US tech mogul used X to suggest during the summer riots that civil war in Britain is “inevitable”.
Now the world’s richest man is considering donating $100million to Nigel Farage’s Reform Party.
If he signs that cheque, you can bank on our politics never being the same again.
RISING STAR OF THE YEAR
SPEAKING of Nigel . . . the 60-year-old godfather of Brexit has been in politics for longer than some newbie Labour MPs have been alive.
But 2024 was finally his break-out year as he was elected as an MP for the first time — and at the eighth attempt.
He now has five MPs, 4million votes and the ear of the President of the US.
Not bad for a newcomer.
BACKSTABBER OF THE YEAR
LABOUR had barely unpacked the boxes in No10 before the knives came out for the PM’s chief of staff, Sue Gray.
Allies of her rival, Morgan McSweeney, accused her of not being across her job and greedily paying herself more than the PM while cutting everyone else’s wages.
Sue was swiftly axed and now Morgan rules as the power behind the Starmer throne.
Turns out the town of Westminster was not big enough for the both of them.
GAFFE OF THE YEAR
POOR Keir Starmer had us all wincing with embarrassment when he accidentally called on Hamas to return “the sausages”, rather than “the hostages”, in his September party conference speech.
HERO OF THE YEAR
THERE was not a dry eye in the House of Commons when the bionic MP Craig Mackinlay made his return to Parliament in May.
The brave Tory politician had his hands and feet amputated last year after contracting sepsis.
In genuinely skin-tingling scenes, awe-struck politicians united to give him a standing ovation while Craig used his prosthetic hand to give them a cheery thumbs up.
RESIGNATION OF THE YEAR – RUNNER-UP
LOUISE HAIGH became the first Cabinet minister to quit — just four months into the new Labour government.
Is that a record?
Anyway, she fell on her sword over a fraud conviction she had for falsely claiming her mobile phone had been stolen in a mugging back in 2013.
The now ex-Transport Secretary’s team insisted she told the PM years ago about her conviction.
But No10 said new information had since come to light.
In the words of the late Queen, recollections may vary . . .
RESIGNATION OF THE YEAR
THE award goes to Rosie Duffield, who quit the Labour Party with a scathing attack on Starmer’s “cruel and unnecessary policies”.
The Canterbury MP is not afraid to speak truth to power.
She slammed the PM over freebies, nepotism and his decision to scrap the Winter Fuel Allowance for millions of pensioners.
ATTENTION-SEEKER OF THE YEAR
ED DAVEY proved there is no such thing as shame in politics as he spent the entire election campaign dressing up for silly stunts.
The Lib Dem leader paddle- boarded, zipped down a water slide in a dinghy, was interviewed on a rollercoaster — and now even has a Christmas song out.
U-TURN OF THE YEAR
AS always in politics, this is a crowded field.
Should it be Labour’s betrayal of the Waspi women despite the party campaigning on it when in opposition?
Tearing up their flagship £28billion green investment pledge?
Abandoning their pleas to lift the two-child benefit cap?
But the winner is dropping a £40billion tax bomb on us, despite campaigning NOT to raise taxes on working people.
That screeching U-turn stank a mile off.
Bring back Bianca
CHRISTMAS means one thing in our house – catching up on EastEnders.
Me and my family spend December binge-watching the BBC soap so we are all up to date for the big day drama.
This takes time and dedication, but it is worth it.
After all, is it even Christmas without someone being slung out of the Queen Vic after being exposed for a sordid affair?
Or Phil Mitchell hitting rock-bottom and threatening to hit the bottle again?
But now I have gorged myself on the soap, I am left wondering one thing – have the writers forgotten about Bianca Jackson?
Everyone’s favourite gobby redhead (myself excluded, of course) was kidnapped and locked in a soundproof garage weeks and weeks ago.
But no one on the Square seems to have noticed she is missing.
Where is Rickaaaayy when you need him?
Sign this, Nigel
FAR be it from me to suggest that politicians are hypocrites who say one thing and do another . . . but I hear Labour and Lib Dem MPs have been secretly asking Nigel Farage, to sign gifts for their relatives this Christmas.
The Reform Party boss has been only too happy to sign their prezzies.
They include bottles of wine, drinks coasters and other assorted goodies from the House of Commons gift shop.
Well, it is the season of goodwill to all men.
Suits you, Sir
WHY don’t more men wear suits?
They are flattering, they are professional and they are easy.
If you can’t be bothered to work out what to wear, just throw on a well-fitting suit and smart tie and you’ll look fab.
Our sartorial standards are even slipping in Parliament.
I have seen political staffers wandering around in blue stone-wash jeans, T-shirts and baseball caps.
Come on, this is the Palace of Westminster, not a bean bag-strewn tech start-up.
Is the working-from-home culture to blame?
I suspect so.
Drinks on me
MEN will try to impress women by rushing to the bar to buy the first round, a new study by Harvard University has revealed.
Hmmmm . . . this is not my experience. I find it is always me who is expected to get the drinks, particularly in Parliament’s pubs.
Well, take note fellas.
It is not sexist to offer to buy a woman a glass of wine, or to hold the door open for her, or pull her chair out at the table.
Bring back chivalry.
Mind the cr*p
IS the nanny state out of control?
I was walking in London Bridge station the other day when I heard the announcer pipe up.
They were telling revellers heading for a night out that they should eat a hearty meal first – and “take sips of water”.
All good advice.
But do we really need transport bosses to state the obvious?
I’d rather they just told me my train was going to turn up on time.
Tech down spies
THE alleged Chinese spy Yang Tengbo, who hobnobbed with former Prime Ministers, has been unmasked as a personal friend of Prince Andrew.
So you might expect our spooks to give those working at the heart of government cutting- edge advice for avoiding communist sleeper cells.
Should they adopt some Cold War-style cloak and dagger system for spotting and shaking off enemy agents?
Or install hi-tech software to avoid the eavesdroppers?
Nope.
The advice to staffers at one government department?
Turn your phone off and on again.